resist the urge for normality

[orchid]

this will be very stream of conscious & probably incoherent, but ive had this on my mind for a bit so bear with me!

CW: depression, anxiety, suicide

i always strived for things in life to feel "normal" ... i guess it stemmed from my immense anxiety & desire to just be able to exist without being afraid of what lies ahead. i just wanted to do the same thing every day because i thought it would make me comfortable. this ended up becoming true after a few months of living with my ex gf. wake up ... drive her to work ... work on school at home ... listen to the same music on repeat ... go pick her up ... come home ... play minecraft ... sleep. i was happy doing this at the time, but i didnt realize what it was doing to me. it was ... making me numb, i guess? i wasnt appreciative of anything anymore, i wasnt truly happy, & looking back at this time, i really dont feel like it was "me".

when she left earlier this year i fell into a deep depression & the normality in my life became even worse. i didnt have the energy to do anything. i pretty much just laid in bed all night, listening to ambient music &, when i could muster up the energy, watch youtube. even doing something as simple as that felt like a monumental task. it eventually culminated in a failed suicide attempt whereafter i lied on the ground for probably like an hour, walked home, & went to bed. when i woke up, things felt a lot different. i had a new sense of appreciation for the world & how it functioned. i enjoyed just ... watching the birds, listening to the sound of water ... my sense of normality was completely shattered. and i felt amazing.

if youre in a similar rut, having that sort of realization is the key to escaping. im not able to tell you what to do in order to experience this; its different for everybody, but what i can tell you though is that thriving for a sense of normality was the worst decision of my life. eversince then ive been focused on breaking the normality in my life, leaving my comfort zone & experiencing new things. & im ready to try harder than ever & im going to push myself as hard as possible (without overextending my mental abilities of course). im going to be updating this thread with just ... general life updates. how things are going, whats on my mind, what ive been doing, etc., and i implore you to do the same! feel free to discuss your life, your experiences, how things are going, & your journey in breaking your sense of normality.

maybe you listen to the same playlist everyday, watch the same few youtubers, play the same games ... now is the time to change that! go listen to some new music, watch some movies & play some games youve had on your backlog for years, try a new hobby!, wake up early & go for a walk in the forest!, go meet new people in new communities!, go walk to the grovery store & buy a crossword book & do those fucking puzzles as the birds chirp around you!!, you are you own person & the world is beautiful with endless possibilities, & i know this has been said a million times before, but the only thing stopping you from exploring them is yourself!!!!!!

if you read all of this, thank you!, & i hope it has inspired you in some way. i wish you the best because you truly deserve it! 

[invader_gvim]

For a long time in my life, I was followed around by cringe It always came from a sense of not feeling normal, and a desire to police myself to be more acceptable to the backwards, proudly ignorant people that surrounded me. I feared being cringe so much that I decided to put on an awful mask that wasn't me  .

I went to trade school (even though it didn't suit me) and started doing construction jobs. For ten long years of my life I wasted away doing hard labor jobs and working as hard as I could. Now I am nearly 30 and my life is considerably behind.

If I had just been honest with myself and done the things I knew I wanted, then I'd be in a much better place. Besides all that, I missed out on a lot of interesting and exciting things because I felt like experiencing them was too childish. Now I guess I'm old enough not to care if something is childish. 

Only recently have I actually been living my life. Its been really great and I wish I had done it earlier. Change is really good. Before I started being honest with myself I remember only ever playing Fallout New Vegas. I only ever read warhammer 40,000 books. I only ever listened to metal music. All of those things are still good in my eyes, but there are so many other things to enjoy. The world feels a lot less dull now.

[BlazingCobaltX]

This is a beautiful post, thank you for writing it. And you're absolutely right about life becoming better the moment you allow yourself to have new experiences. I've recently gone through not so fun life events and I've really felt this desire to numb myself and letting time pass over me. That is not like me at all, but I've just tired out that much from these experiences that I kind of want to "fast forward" to the new year. Truthfully, this is because I have yet to properly process those events. I managed to take a few days off in the upcoming few weeks, and I kinda want to use those to find my love for life again. To consciously choose what I am doing and enjoy every second of it without worry.

Currently, I live in a boring environment, making it very easy to sit in my house all day and let the day pass with little happenings. My hope is that by the end of this year I will have moved to a place of my own in a different city, and be surrounded by new things that inspire me daily. This thread is a good reminder that I should want those new experiences, rather than letting myself fall in the slump of passing time with little awareness... Although autumn is coming up, historically my worst season feelings-wise.

It was good to write this down. I hadn't allowed myself much thought about my feelings recently.

[orchid]

invader_gvim:

For a long time in my life, I was followed around by cringe

one of the most freeing aspects of this for me has been realizing that cringe just ... doesnt matter! ive been working heavily on not caring what others think about me & ive made enough progress where i dont really have trouble expressing myself (online at the very least) & not caring if i come off as "cringe" or not. if someone thinks im cringe, thats ok! it doesnt affect me & is a waste of brain power to think about. theyll think about you for 30 seconds, & thats it!

All of those things are still good in my eyes, but there are so many other things to enjoy. The world feels a lot less dull now.

exactly! theres so many things to experience & doing so expands your brain in so many incredible ways! youll never learn & grow if you just do the same things!
BlazingCobaltX:

And you're absolutely right about life becoming better the moment you allow yourself to have new experiences. I've recently gone through not so fun life events and I've really felt this desire to numb myself and letting time pass over me. That is not like me at all, but I've just tired out that much from these experiences that I kind of want to "fast forward" to the new year. Truthfully, this is because I have yet to properly process those events. I managed to take a few days off in the upcoming few weeks, and I kinda want to use those to find my love for life again. To consciously choose what I am doing and enjoy every second of it without worry.

thats a wonderful way to start & i wish you lots of luck! i know exactly what you mean by wanting to just fast forward ... but thats just not how it works unfortunately yes time does help!, but too much of nothing will just lead to things getting worse & worse. you cant just rely on time itself to heal oneself, but also actively seeking the growth. it takes a lot of effort to actually do so but you just have to work to get into the swing of it i guess.

Currently, I live in a boring environment, making it very easy to sit in my house all day and let the day pass with little happenings. My hope is that by the end of this year I will have moved to a place of my own in a different city, and be surrounded by new things that inspire me daily. This thread is a good reminder that I should want those new experiences, rather than letting myself fall in the slump of passing time with little awareness... Although autumn is coming up, historically my worst season feelings-wise.

same here (suburbs), & ive found trying to appreciate simple things has made my previous boring world great. sure, i dont have like ... anything to do around me, but ive realized that i dont need a wide variety of things to do to make me feel fulfilled. just walking around the neighborhood, exploring the woods, & watching people go about their day has been great. & i wish you luck in moving!, its a very big task but you got this!

It was good to write this down. I hadn't allowed myself much thought about my feelings recently.

just knowing that this topic has made a positive impact on someone makes me really happy! im glad it helped you <3

[orchid]

today was pretty nice :] i streamed some World of Horror on my twitch as well as Dagon! i love Lovecraft a lot & playing these has definitely inspired me to get back into reading his works ... they're just very daunting to get into lol. i have a hardback collection of them i got a few years ago so i think i'll begin reading some tomorrow. i then did some more planning for an RPGMaker game i've been thinking about developing & played Deadlock for a few hours with my friend. i've been quite motivated to play horror games & such since it's october, & im hoping to stream Iron Lung, Milk outside a bag, Crow Country, & maybe some Cry of Fear mods within then next month or two (spooky season never ends for me anyway ). i also wanna give Slay the Princess a try once it gets its free update coming soon! i really wanna watch some horror movies as well, i have a handful downloaded that pique my interest, notably The Thing, Rosemary's Baby, Skinamarink, and M.

i actually had my first therapy session in years yesterday & it went very well! they're a very kind individual & i can definitely see it being beneficial for me. for now though i'm going to bed, its 1am and im very sleepy.

[candycanearter07]

hi
this is something that i seriously struggle with where im consistently too scared to do a new thing or some idea i had and this thread really spoke to me but i dont know what to really do to get out of that feeling and be happy with myself and stuff and idk maybe imn just being a sad edgy teen but i really dont know

[invader_gvim]

Courage isn't the lack of fear - it is pushing past fear. This applies to cringe as well as fear. When you feel cringe, just push past it  if its something u want to do. You are brave enough to do that. 

[orchid]

hi
this is something that i seriously struggle with where im consistently too scared to do a new thing or some idea i had and this thread really spoke to me but i dont know what to really do to get out of that feeling and be happy with myself and stuff and idk maybe imn just being a sad edgy teen but i really dont know

there's nothing wrong with being a sad edgy tean, most people were one at some point . either way it doesn't make your feelings less valid <3. do you live in an area where you could walk around a bit? doing stuff outdoors always makes my mental a lot better . even just simple cardio like jumping jacks helps a lot! i try & always burn like 200-300 calories on my excercise bike each day (not because of any specific health reasons, i just find that number to usually be fulfilling).

[orchid]

lil update! therapy has been going nice, they're very sweet & it feels insanely nice to have one who isn't geriatric and actually understands what an online friend is or something. i got a library card & have been pretty consistently reading this little nonfiction book called "Atari Age : The Emergence of Video Games in America". it covers the social response to games & arcades in the 1970s to early '80s. it really helps keep my mind fresh. been going outside every day & laying on this little hill near my house, usually reading there for a bit as well. i've had some thoughts about intellectualism & knowledge & art i'll probably write tomorrow or something. <3

[3lsie]

I really love this thread idea, and I hope you're doing well,  @orchid .

Being ...abnormal... I guess, is something I've been trying to come to terms with and even embrace over the last few months.

After a rough few years and mental health problems, diagnosis and various medications, I finally feel like I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm moving slowly, but it's there. That said, the last few years have properly taught me that there will always be more tunnels, and I can't predict when they'll crop up or how long they'll be, so I need to accept the lack of control over things other than my own thoughts and actions and stop trying to be on such high alert all the time. It's kind of freeing. I feel like I've regained permission to chill out a bit.

I've had a lot of spare time lately, and I feel like having the space to lean into my interests has made me a bit weird. I'm not going to lie, it does worry me because I don't want people to see me as annoying or trying to be quirky, but the thing is I think I do stick out a bit no matter what I do, so I'm trying to teach myself that that's okay.

I picked up a book called Women Living Deliciously lately, and I'm not that far into it, but it's helping me to feel reassured that it's okay (and even good) to ignore a lot of the things society tells us we need to do or be - if it's not adding to our lives - and have some more freedom instead.

I worry I'm going to be ending up perceived as some sort of weird spinster or crazy cat lady or any of these other negative caricatures because I don't seem to want the same things my peers and friends want. My hope at the moment is that even if that's how I end up being perceived, I won't mind, because I'll be happy doing what I like and going at my own pace. I always think other people who do that are cool, so I'd like to apply that viewpoint to myself too, and I'm working on it.

On the other hand, I imagine that this won't actually be that noticeable to other people in a lot of aspects. Instead, I think it's going to be more of a mental change for myself.

I'm getting some small wins, like today, I stopped to touch a tree even though I was admittedly a bit worried I'd look weird. Feeling trees and stones and things is so grounding though!

[Starstorm_X1]

I thought I'd share my own experiences with this. As someone who has autism and ADHD, life can be hard for me. I've held my current career for 5 years now, and to say I've been through a lot is an understatement. Years of an ever-increasing workload combined with how poorly my co-workers treated me have made me develop a fear of going to job sites. I've tried to narrow down WHY that's the case, but it turned out to be more complex than I realized. I've felt a lack of autonomy, which when combined with my emotional dysregulation when things go wrong has left me distraught. And being forbidden to go to therapy by my parents that I still live with have only made things worse. (They may have been discouraged by my childhood experiences of having therapists that didn't really help.) And my emotional dysregulation has caused me to make loud outbursts that made my co-workers angry because they think it looks unprofessional, and have threatened to punish me if I couldn't curb my behavior somehow. In my case, my desire for normality stems from wanting my work environment to be more predictable and less stress-inducing...

While I've become more aware of the symptoms of my autism and ADHD, as well as the imposter syndrome plaguing me, until I can find a way to discreetly get a therapist that understands my conditions well, I'm kind of stuck. I can distract myself find by doing stuff like drawing, playing games, or chatting online, but that won't help me cope with the rough situations I'll be faced with in my day job. I've been reading about techniques like CBT that could help, but I keep forgetting to try. Even when I lower my expectations and do my best, things go even worse than I think.