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Dear trans people, what are some things you would like the cis to know?

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Icey!:
I am a cis male (meaning that I identify as my birth gender), and out of curiosity I would like to hear the voices of our trans people in the melonland forum. (This includes trans men, saddened to see that I almost never hear about them.)

This includes things about how to support, what you shouldn't do, etc. :transport:  I'm not expecting this topic to really go anywhere but it's worth a shot.

Edit: Trying out being non-binary, let's see if it sticks!

Edit2: Genderfluid

corvidaegalaxy:
hi, transmasculine here! honestly i think the best thing any cis person can do is just be respectful. you dont have to scream and shout about how much you support us, you just need to respect our identities or at the very least mind your own business, you know? just treat trans people like anyone else and that will honestly mean way more to us than you may think :D

Thorn:
I think I have two main things in mind as a nonbinary person.

1) If you have a question about anything trans related, google it first and if you can't find it in the first few google pages, then go ask a trans person irl about it. The fact is that there's a ton of information out and publicly available online that could probably answer a lot of basic questions about being trans, such as information about pronouns, HRT, what gender affirming care is, what certain terms mean, etc. Even if you're asking something with good intentions, a lot of the time even the good natured questions come off as invasive when cis people ask you the same things over and over again because they aren't looking into their questions themselves. I'm all for having helpful discussions and telling people about the lived realities of not being cis, but cis people really can have a way of making trans people feel like bugs under a microscope or celebrities getting random paparazzi interview chasedowns.

2) Sometimes a lot of trans related stuff is not going to make sense to you, and that's okay. No one expects cis people to fully get it because being trans is a different lived experience. On the flip side of it, just because you as a cis person don't understand or get something that's in trans culture or important to trans people, that doesn't mean it's exclusionary or that it's being gatekept, or that the thing is inherently bad because it's not relatable to cis people. If you don't fully get something because it's not something you in your lived experience can relate to, the best response is to go elsewhere and find your own thing to do instead, and it's rude as hell to say "I'm an ally so you have to include me or else you're discriminating" when what you're actually asking for is for trans people to cater things to cis tastes and expectations.

DiffydaDude:
Thanks for making this topic. I wanna make a trans character, but i dont know how to properly represent them without screwing something up, since im not really trans, but i wanna make a character thats more, you know, unique and fun.

Guest:
I'm a nonbinary transmasculine person (some members in the system are nonbinary trans men but we're all some flavor of nonbinary generally speaking lol) and there are a couple things I can think of off of the top of my head that I want cis people to know:


* Trans men and AFAB trans people do not transition to "escape misogyny". That may sometimes play a factor in it, but many aspects of misogyny affect us no matter what we identify as, and now we've got transphobia to deal with as well. In fact, the whole idea of AFAB trans people as "confused women who can't be trusted to make the best decisions for themselves" IS misogyny in and of itself, influenced by transphobia at the same time.
* You don't need to fully understand us or get everything right all the time to support us. One of my biggest allies in high school when I came out as trans was my cis cousin who barely understood anything about being trans and constantly said kind of weirdly phrased stuff but would also throw hands with literally anyone who misgendered me on purpose. I remember another time, a new teacher didn't know that my name had changed and was calling out my deadname at the start of class for the attendance check, and a cis guy who had been actually pretty rude to me when I came out pulled him aside after class without my knowledge and gave him a full-on LECTURE (it got cleared up in the end and it was an honest mistake, but I still think it's cool how willing this friend was to defend me). There's always opportunities to do better if you mess up at first, and if you've got the right intentions and it's very clear that you're trying and willing to learn from mistakes and feedback, that means way more than being 100% perfect all the time.
* There are weird/shitty people in every group, and that doesn't mean they represent that group as a whole or that they're not actually a "real" member of that group.
* Trans people identifying with genders you don't understand does not mean "the trans movement has gone too far", it's a non-issue. You might not understand it, that doesn't mean it's necessarily harmful. Whenever transphobes tell my mom stuff like "oh, but aren't you worried about these kids who identify as CATS???" her response is always something along the lines of "Why would I be if they're not hurting anyone? Who cares? Just because it's weird doesn't mean it's wrong." which I think is a pretty good response to that sort of stuff.
* Trans men in particular get infantilized a lot, while trans women seem to have an opposite issue of almost being seen as like... scary, threatening, etc. Even people within the trans community can have these biases, unfortunately. So it's probably worth it to sometimes examine what preconceived notions you might have of trans people or certain types of trans people and where those notions come from, how they might be influenced by gender roles, transphobia, and/or misogyny, etc.
* There's a lot of fearmongering about medical transition, especially for trans men and transmasculine people, usually this comes from transphobes. There are some risks associated with certain procedures and stuff like that, but people are capable of making informed decisions about their own bodies and about what risks they're willing to take. Just because you wouldn't be okay with a certain risk, doesn't mean a trans person making the decision to take that risk on is wrong.
* Nonbinary is an umbrella term that simply means people who are not strictly binary men or binary women (binary would basically mean you 100% identify as only that gender if that makes sense). That means there are a LOT of ways to be nonbinary, including still identifying with manhood or womanhood in some way. So if you see someone identifying as a nonbinary man or woman, though it might seem contradictory, it's actually not.
* Trans people don't always use the pronouns typically associated with their gender, and that's fine. In fact, cis people also don't have to use the pronouns typically associated with their gender.
* This one is a personal one (and also is a thing I wish other trans people knew lol), but if you're told that someone uses it/its pronouns, please respect those pronouns the same way you would any other pronouns! It's fine to not want these pronouns applied to you, but not everyone will feel the same way about them.
* People can identify as nonbinary and still be lesbian or gay, those identities aren't exclusive of nonbinary genders (especially since nonbinary genders are not a monolith).
* It's probably a good idea to research anti-trans dogwhistles and stuff like that, and the reasoning behind why certain myths about trans people are wrong/harmful. I think this is one of the most helpful things a cis ally can do actually - both because it helps you avoid accidentally spreading harmful rhetoric or even getting sucked into it, and because if you want to educate another cis person, you'll actually have the knowledge to explain stuff well.
* This one will seem counterintuitive, but don't argue with transphobes publicly on social media. This is because of the way social media works, arguing with a transphobic person usually means you're actually giving them more visibility, which can be tiring for trans people who use the internet as an escape from that sort of stuff and also if you're not really good at debating stuff like this sometimes the transphobe will use this as more ammo against trans people. Like they will ignore that it's a cis person saying it and turn around and go "wow trans people truly make no sense". It's more impactful to post about how you support trans people and stuff like that, or bring attention to trans issues which need more visibility.
Okay that list turned out longer than I thought it would, oops. I might also ask my girlfriend later if she has anything to add from the trans woman side of things.

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