naïve wishes (positive)

[Melooon]

I had my usual yearly chat with my dad where I show him my projects and he tells me they are good but they are not genuine enough, and not quite unique enough, and not quite as good as what I could do when I was 6 years old - and I tell him I'm working on it and next time around I'll have put a little more soul into them - but he's getting older and I wish I could get there before its too late and make something where the answer is just, "yes that's it, that's the one, you got it right, that's the one that will last" 

I'd like to make people laugh more, and I'd like to take myself less seriously. I'd like to be able to talk to people so that they walk away feeling good about themselves, and important, and safe.

I'd like to be able to afford an apartment that isn't the cheapest one in the city for once; one that isn't shared so I have own kitchen where I can leave out spoons and no one gets annoyed because I left out spoons 

I applied for an arts residency in Japan recently and I'd love to be accepted for that for a few months - I've always wanted to return there.

I'd like to be able to say interesting and thoughtful things right at the moment I need to say them, instead of about 2 hours after the right moment 

I'd like to allow myself to be in love again because I'm worried I'll forget how if I leave it too long 

[Dan Q]

The Bit about Dungeons and Dragons (and Our Personal Dungeons, and Dragons)

I've run campaigns/one-shots in the past, but I never really felt that they were any good

Self-criticism as a DM is a very easy trap to fall into. And because it's a realm in which there's always potential for self-improvement, you've got to be gentle with yourself. There'll always be things you could have done better: the trick is just to keep getting better.

The single biggest lesson I ever learned, after like three decades of facilitating RPGs, was to let the players lead the way. I'm 100% a believer nowadays in the essence of the Lazy DM approach, which I interpret as preparing concepts, characters, and motivations, and then ad-libbing: letting the plot evolve out of the actions of the players! Most commercially-written adventures don't do this, and therefore aren't a good place to learn the skill, but it leads to a world that feels more dynamic and believable for the players, with bigger impact for them... and all it takes is (by instalments) learning the courage to just... "play". Treat an adventure not as a series of scenes and challenges, but as a collective storytelling experience to which the players and DM are all equal contributors.

(Another great way to learn the skills is to take a break from D&D and play some less-structured RPGs: GMless ones where the facilitator roll passes around like Fiasco; or ones where there really is no facilitator like (one of my personal favourites) Dialect.)

Then, when you want a fleshed-out world. Make one part of it (one district, one valley, one mountain, one coastline) in detail, and sketch a map of the rest. Think about the geography and history that made your world this way. Make notes if you want to... and then just let your adventurers explore. If they're heading towards somewhere new, that's your homework for the next week, but don't be afraid to ask your players questions like what they're planning on doing next session (helps you plan encounters etc.), what they're hoping to achieve (helps you visualise their goals and work them in), and - and this is the one that takes most bravery, for me - how it's going (I added an anonymous digital three-question survey to the end of every session and it was humbling but worthwhile: mine asked, each session, "how did this go? [awful/bad/okay/good/great], how was the pacing? [too slow/just right/too fast], "in seven words or fewer, what are you looking forward to next?") - this helped me a lot with understanding what my players loved and hated without them having to say it directly!

(hmm, I've got to split this post into two 'cos apparently my quotes are too long even though they're tiny...)

[Dan Q]

The Bit about Art and Family, Love and Growth

I wish I could get there before its too late and make something where the answer is just, "yes that's it, that's the one, you got it right, that's the one that will last"

Wow; this was a moving post throughout, but perhaps especially this paragraph. It's hard to find the words to start to reply to it.

Mostly I just find that I have more questions. Like: what makes your dad's opinion this important to you? Does anybody else's opinion come close? Why/why not? Do you agree with his assessment (always? sometimes? never? unsure?)? To what extent: enough that you can predict his reaction? What would it mean to you to get the validation you're looking for from him?

My dad died (very suddenly: he literally fell off a cliff) in 2012, and it saddens me how much I missed-out on showing him: who I've become since then; his first (and second) grandchild, who were born not long afterwards; the things I've created based on ideas we had together. So I do "get" the compulsion to be the person you'd want your parents to be proud to see you become while they're still there to see it.

But... the psychotherapist within me likes to point out how healthy it can be to work towards "internalising our locus of evaluation" (in shrink-speak): that is - judging ourself first and foremost by our own authentic experience and not by what others think is best. And that's a voice I try to listen to.

I'd like to take myself less seriously.

Twinsies. I struggle with this too.

I'd like to be able to say interesting and thoughtful things right at the moment I need to say them, instead of about 2 hours after the right moment

L'esprit de l'escalier, amiright? Though... not just for wit. Ditto, either way. But pivoting towards slower and more-considered conversations helps. There's nothing wrong with sending somebody a message 2 hours, 2 months, or even 2 years late to say "hey, I was thinking about that thing you said, and I found myself wanting to say..."

It's honest and human and vulnerable and we should all learn to feel more-comfortable doing it, and accepting that when others do it it's not because they didn't care enough or listen properly the first time around but just because sometimes, that's how brains work.

I'd like to allow myself to be in love again because I'm worried I'll forget how if I leave it too long

You won't forget. Love is as innate as hunger or joy, and somehow has a little of the essence of both. You'd as soon forget how to breathe as how to love, and in practice you'll probably do both on the same day.

Anyway: your entire post made me want to offer you a huge hug. Thanks for being so honest and open!

[mychemicalvyvanse]

hmm well off the top of my head

• more than anything i wish i could just.. not feel like i'm rushed all the time. like i constantly feel pressure to live life on someone else's timeline and that i always have to put my own curiosity and growth aside for, like, everyday demands and expectations.
• with that being said, i would loveeee to be able to afford living in my own place without having to work full-time. i'm autistic and have been in a constant in and out of burnout since, like, kindergarten, and the full-time work/school routine is the biggest and most daunting of the aforementioned demands and expectations
• make a video game (idfk how to code)
• get gud at 3D modeling and make lil guys
• travel n have friends around the world and keep in touch with them, preferably via cute handwritten mail
• be in a band w my friends and have it be creatively generative and freeing and not about the weird clout dynamics of my local Scene
• be able to balance my need for rest/my need for stimulation and social connection/my need for introspection and alone time/my basic life maintenance and getting literally anything done

[zomboid]

some of these feel plausible, but still naive from where i am now:

• move out of america
• visit the netherlands
• design my website from the ground up, without a layout base or builder
• get a zomboid server to thrive & have a consistent playercount/playerbase
• get to visit all of my friends in the world At Least Once!

[sunnymachinery]

there's so much that I want to do, but realistically, unachievable. 
But... 

I'd like to:

• move out of the country
• get on t, maybe fully transition
• move on from my trauma
• maybe go to a psychologist to get my shit sorted out
• share my stories that i've made up for the last few years
• get to know more people
• go to an AND ONE performance and get their merch...

I can only hope that I can do all of this
 

[mothpanic]

mm, I have no idea how realistic these are, but I keep coming back to these couple ideas when I think about... my life, I suppose. I think they're cool ideas.

• get a degree. in my wildest fantasies I'd aim for at least 10. I love school I love exams
• learn to play drums maybe? I've never played an instrument and I doubt I ever will, but it looks sorta fun.
• write for a video game. as in, creating the story behind one with a team of artists and coders. one of those weird little RPGmaker types that I grew up with.
• ...write a novel? a good novel?
• have a place to live by myself with my own kitchen (!!).
• care for a couple cats and chickens! not sure if both at the same time would be feasible though.
• learn to make pretty layer cakes. those fat chocolate triple-tier ones with all that fancy chocolatier stuff going on.

:P