random thoughts/how to be less broken

[candycanearter07]

hi so like ive been reading some other posts on here and it kinda inspired me to go and write my own again and i know ive already made a few of these kinda posts but stuff is still bad

like physically im ok but like mentally everything is falling apart sorta like idk i wish i could work on projects but im stuck in a "go with the flow" kinda workstyle where i can only work on stuff in passing and cant ever go back to fix anything and i cant start anything new and i cant stop feeling jealous of people who can and i really want to let go and just make something but my brain is stupid and like idk waht do i do

[ThunderPerfectWitchcraft]

What I can recommend: Set yourself fixed times were you work on a set project. It doesn't need to be long, but it is important that the time is really free and that you use it for said project. It doesn't need to be time were you are fully free - currently, I've myself fixed to use the time I have in public transport to use for writing instead for reading. The limited access to the internet is actually a benefit here, as it stops me from checking more and more sources :).

[Melooon]

At a glance, I'd say it sounds like the things your working on are not really the things you want to work on, so you should stop and find things you actually like (that's not always easy admittedly  ).

There are many things I've started that I felt like I should do, that didn't make me happy in any way, and made me feel bad for not really wanting to do them; cutting them loose was almost always the best choice I could make because it freed up space for things I actually wanted and couldn't see before.

That aside, your brain, your emotions and your focus are all the same as muscles (or habits if you prefer that analogy); if you use them well they get stronger over time, if you don't they get floppy. So, feeling like things are falling apart (they are not) or feeling jealous of what you cant do (what other people do is nothing to do with you); that suggests you have floppy emotions You cant force your brain to do what it cant do, or what it does not want to do. You can work with it though, its not fixed.

How you actually do all that though is something you have to figure out for yourself. Some people meditate, some people read psychology books, some people go mountain climbing. Knowing you want to change is a good step, but its also very easy to make a thread asking for advice; the actual work of doing it though is all on you 

[candycanearter07]

At a glance, I'd say it sounds like the things your working on are not really the things you want to work on, so you should stop and find things you actually like (that's not always easy admittedly  ).

How you actually do all that though is something you have to figure out for yourself. Some people meditate, some people read psychology books, some people go mountain climbing. Knowing you want to change is a good step, but its also very easy to make a thread asking for advice; the actual work of doing it though is all on you 

i do get some enjoyment out of those things tho and  i dont know if i could find anything else to work on if i did quit everything and id feel guilty

and like i have 0 idea for what would "work for me" and ive tried some stuff already and it hasnt helped and idk what to even do and stuff

[sunnyp4rk]

What I do when I'm in a rut is try to do something I've never done before, or something that isn't my main hobby. For example, artwork just isn't something I can easily do now, so I've been trying to do more photography instead. When I'm ready to go back to drawing, it'll be when I'm ready.

Alternatively, if your hobby is something you can take outside the house (like drawing, gaming (if its a handheld game), reading, etc.), go to a library or a park, and do it there. A change of environment could help. I would say there is such thing as the area around you affecting the things you like.

[arcus]

Work on your mental health, or at least try to understand how it effects you in detail and figure out how to work with it. By the sound of it, you're looking for a solution without addressing the root of your problems. If you're struggling with your mental health there's not going to be a magic method that will let you power on through.

What do you dislike about your posts? Is there a specific reason why you want to polish older projects instead of going with the flow?

[candycanearter07]

Work on your mental health, or at least try to understand how it effects you in detail and figure out how to work with it. By the sound of it, you're looking for a solution without addressing the root of your problems. If you're struggling with your mental health there's not going to be a magic method that will let you power on through.

What do you dislike about your posts? Is there a specific reason why you want to polish older projects instead of going with the flow?

well its more just like i cant build something im like proud of and like can commit to continuing to run before i get bored and flounder until i find something else to be interested in for a week

[arcus]

You're still thinking about the problem itself, and not what's causing it. You don't have to answer all of these questions publicly, but do think about them.

i do get some enjoyment out of those things tho and  i dont know if i could find anything else to work on if i did quit everything and id feel guilty

Why would you feel guilty? Is there someone you think you'll disappoint?

and like i have 0 idea for what would "work for me" and ive tried some stuff already and it hasnt helped and idk what to even do and stuff

What have you tried? Why do you think it didn't work?

well its more just like i cant build something im like proud of and like can commit to continuing to run before i get bored and flounder until i find something else to be interested in for a week

What's the importance of building something you're proud of? Why do you want to finish projects over moving onto new ones?

What's your thought process like when you're working on something? Do you have multiple trains of thoughts and are easily distracted? Do you spiral, thinking of other times you've failed a project?


If you're scared of failure based on past experiences, you're going to have to work on healing that.

If you have some sort of condition such as ADHD you'll need to look into resources for working with that specifically. Ideally good professional help, and possibly medication.

[candycanearter07]

You're still thinking about the problem itself, and not what's causing it. You don't have to answer all of these questions publicly, but do think about them.

If you have some sort of condition such as ADHD you'll need to look into resources for working with that specifically. Ideally good professional help, and possibly medication.

i have been going to therapy for a while but ive still been having this issue. it could be adhd but im not officially diagnosed

Do you have multiple trains of thoughts and are easily distracted? Do you spiral, thinking of other times you've failed a project?

yea basically that i akways give up on a project before it really gets anywhere

[arcus]

i have been going to therapy for a while but ive still been having this issue. it could be adhd but im not officially diagnosed

If these problems apply to other aspects of your life, bring it up with your therapist. Write a list of ways it effects you, and show it to them the next time you have an appointment. If they're still not helpful, find a new therapist. Therapists have different levels of experience with various conditions, and it can take awhile to find someone that can help.

What you described could be various things, but since you suspect ADHD, it's possibly executive dysfunction, which is symptom of ADHD, autism, and a few other various conditions. It's worth reading about autistic burnout as well, since autism is common with ADHD. Regardless, it's worth looking at resources for those and seeing if the advice helps: ADHD Paralysis, Ms-Demeanor's ADHD tips, and amphobet's self-care tag (specifically Emotional Self-Care.)

Good luck.

[gh0ulixh]

some things i've noticed that have been helping me with my audhd and trauma behind starting projects or making art are:

-reminding myself i'm not broken. i'm not stupid. i have a brain that functions differently than The Norm(tm) and anything other than The Norm(tm) is not taught to treat themselves kindly. and i deserve kindness! i deserve patience and understanding! and the more my brain refutes that fact and says or calls me unkind things, the more gentleness and patience i need to give myself. i'll apologize to myself right after i say something unkind to myself, like today when i was peeling a mango with a knife and sliced towards my hands, i called myself a dumbass. then told myself, no, you're not a dumbass. you need to slice away from yourself, though. and every time i nearly nicked myself, i readjusted the knife and started peeling the mango safely again. being gentle to myself has been so, so helpful and healing in my journey through living and creating. the mean things i say to myself are automatic due to repetition, so i remind myself to repeat apologies to myself when i'm unkind, to create a new automatic reaction. i haven't cut out the insults entirely, they're so deeply rooted, and i start by apologizing to myself when i notice i'm being unkind to my me. going straight to being kind instead of cruel to myself didn't work for me, so i began with neutrality. if i wouldn't say these things to my friends or siblings, then why say them to me? and i wouldn't say them to strangers, either. so if i need to treat myself like a stranger, someone i don't yet know, and apologize when something mean slips out, that's good. that's progress. all friends start out as strangers, anyway. i accept that i need to take small steps, and any step forward is good, and is enough.


-logging myself out of social media and checking sparsely. even on tumblr, which is a little less rancid than a lot of other social media platforms, people can be insensitive dicks, and reading reactionary and angry posts without like, any action or desire to listen to others or improve circumstances gets me down and creates a negative feedback loop that influences my thoughts, feelings, actions, and desires/goals.

-i've been folding zines and filling out a page a day, and being very gentle on myself when i miss a day or three. if i miss a day, i accept it as it is and simply fill out that page. sometimes i comment with the art about how i missed the prior day(s), and sometimes the pages are filled with venting my thoughts and frustrations. there doesn't have to be a single theme for any given weekly-ish zine. i just draw or write what's on my mind, or what i'm seeing, or what i'm feeling and thinking.

-melonland guilds like wednesday website club and tuesday tarot tavern have been delights in helping me engage with the cards and work on my site. a lil weekly check in with my projects/skills helps encourage me to keep going. sharing my progress i do on these days shows me that i CAN do this, and seeing others also working on their projects/skills encourages me because i feel in community with others. and same with the zines, if i miss a day, i refuse to judge myself for the fact. i refuse to be harsh with myself. i didn't pull a card yesterday for tuesday tarot tavern, and that's okay. today or tomorrow can be a temporary tuesday, if i feel inclined. i can wait until next week. whatever feels right - because there isn't a wrong way to do this

-repeating to myself that slow progress is still progress. there's no deadline for when my site needs to be updated, there's no pressure to draw a card a day or do a spread a week or draw complex zine pages or dredge a poem from my brain. whatever i put down is enough, good, and sacred. little pieces of myself i mark down when i can, when i want, when i need the release. anything i transfer from my mind to page, whether scribbles or careful sketches or one line of code, i'm still creating. i'm still working towards my goals. my timeline might look different than others' and i might work at a slower, more sporadic pace, and my techniques might be sloppy or strange, and that's okay, because these are little pieces of me. and all our mes deserve to be treated with care and patience.

this feels a bit scattered, and i hope what i wrote makes sense. (my cat was begging for playtime so i was swapping between whipping around his toy and typing lol)
you aren't stupid. you're not broken. from the sounds of your post, you're hurting, and longing for more from yourself, because you deserve better than the unkindness the world throws at you, and the unkindness the world has taught you to inflict on yourself. if your leg is broken, you cannot and should not run the mile. a broken leg does not make someone stupid or inherently broken. a broken leg means your leg fuckin hurty, and needs the proper care and rest, and to go slow back into the process of walking.

bouncing between projects is okay. having multiple trains of thought is beautiful. sporadic interests and projects are evidence of creative potential. some people don't even consider there are projects they could and/or want to start. taking a year to sew a patch (me @ me lol) is chill. there's nothing wrong with moving slower, and bouncing between projects. feeling proud of the things you makes doesn't come easy. i have doodles and drawings and poems and pieces of prose and unfinished websites all over my journals and sketchbook and desktop. i still made all of those things out of nothing. they're all still pieces of me. if i don't like the way they turn out, if i never Finish them, they still taught me about myself. what i do and don't like in my art. what i struggle with. what i'm good at. what i do and don't enjoy doing.

pride isn't the goal for me - seeking pride has only scared me away from ever trying. sometimes, i don't even have a goal when i'm working on projects. i tell myself this is all a learning experience, playing on the playground and trying new things. there's no right way, and that means all ways are right. there's a lot of freedom that can be found in treating projects like the playground or sandbox rather than assignments or tests. build a castle, dig a hole, carry sand in your palms up the metal-plastic steps and drop it down the slide, let it fall through the spaces of your fingers. anything you create is good and is enough. if you stop, you can always, always come back to it later on. one line of code a day, one line on the paper a day, one stitch a day, one grain of sand - it is enough. you are enough, just like i am enough. baby steps are good, and they are enough. and hell, reaching out for support like this is a huge step! and i think you should feel proud of yourself for writing this thread. asking for help is an acknowledgement to yourself that you deserve support. and you do.

i've been in your shoes before, and still find myself there to this day, and i'm rooting for your you and for my me no matter how small our steps may be. thanks for reaching out here in melonland <3 tis a brave thing to do

[candycanearter07]

-logging myself out of social media and checking sparsely. even on tumblr, which is a little less rancid than a lot of other social media platforms, people can be insensitive dicks, and reading reactionary and angry posts without like, any action or desire to listen to others or improve circumstances gets me down and creates a negative feedback loop that influences my thoughts, feelings, actions, and desires/goals.

to be fair, i have been doing this kinda by accident because i bounce off of every social media ive tried. the only one im still kinda on is discord

-melonland guilds like wednesday website club and tuesday tarot tavern have been delights in helping me engage with the cards and work on my site. a lil weekly check in with my projects/skills helps encourage me to keep going. sharing my progress i do on these days shows me that i CAN do this, and seeing others also working on their projects/skills encourages me because i feel in community with others. and same with the zines, if i miss a day, i refuse to judge myself for the fact. i refuse to be harsh with myself. i didn't pull a card yesterday for tuesday tarot tavern, and that's okay. today or tomorrow can be a temporary tuesday, if i feel inclined. i can wait until next week. whatever feels right - because there isn't a wrong way to do this

i kinda wish that the guilds would be a bit less messy feeling but maybe i could try hanging out in them more

this feels a bit scattered, and i hope what i wrote makes sense. (my cat was begging for playtime so i was swapping between whipping around his toy and typing lol)

mine has been way more scattered so yea ^^"

pride isn't the goal for me - seeking pride has only scared me away from ever trying. sometimes, i don't even have a goal when i'm working on projects.

i mean i know logically i should but its hard to not ig

[gh0ulixh]

to be fair, i have been doing this kinda by accident because i bounce off of every social media ive tried. the only one im still kinda on is discord

i kinda wish that the guilds would be a bit less messy feeling but maybe i could try hanging out in them more

mine has been way more scattered so yea ^^"

i mean i know logically i should but its hard to not ig

that's good in it's own little way! i imagine bouncing off social medias is frustrating in it's own rite. i have instagram to try to keep up with what my friends are up to and sometimes i get mad at myself i can't even keep up with that. i get too anxious to even check on their stories when i open the app.

what guilds do you have you eyes on?

and good old scatterbrained solidarity lol, thanks for understanding. i had a feeling you might Get It, and hit the post button for my wall of text despite my nervousness.
kinda related to the topic of scattered brains, what does a day look like for you? like, i usually get up around 7-9am because my brain forces me to get up lol, make coffee, smoke and read outside, or scroll a touch more than i'd like on tumblr or instagram, obsess over silksong either via youtube videos or playing the game, my head will start spinning frustrations or painful emotions until i write in my journal about what's going on in my head, remember i have Too Many old texts and messages i need to reply to (and then. don't reply to them out of anxiety :,3)...
and alternative/other question - what are you doing when you feel ashamed for not working on projects?

and logical thinking/common sense is a myth. humans are emotional and anxious social animals, so wanting to feel pride in ourselves and to feel pride from others is a natural way to be. and if we don't receive it, we can easily become overwhelmed in the shame of "not doing enough" or not doing things "the right way." and separating expectations from goals is indeed a very hard thing to do. the expectations are hammered into us from a young age, so that's a lot of rewiring and shifting how we approach and talk to ourselves. the change from anger towards myself and wondering why i can't "just finish this drawing" has been something i've been working on since i was like, 16 or so. and i make progress, and i slide back into self loathing. and then more progress, and more slides... mountains are really hard to climb. there's no shame in struggling, even if the struggle is frustrating, and there's no shame in feeling frustrated at yourself or the world around you, either.

what are some of the projects you've been wanting to work on, or bouncing between lately? i'd love to see what you've got going on in the works. eclectic minds tend to make intriguing art.