anyone else have just as much trouble talking on the web than in real life?

[mothpanic]

…yea. not sure why this is for me, but I find it just as difficult to initiate conversation. thinking of a topic, articulating myself, keeping others interested, all of it makes me just as panicky as it does with a real person in front of me. how the hell do I show that Im listening to someone through text?

well, at least I get to spend as much time as I want thinking if a response, but that doesn’t exactly apply to instant messaging (save me forum pages).

I find it odd that one of the biggest pieces of advice given to shy people, alongside ‘stop overthinking,’ is to try socialising online. Ive never had an online friendship, and I have no idea how to start looking for - or even if I want one! my social skills are just as iffy on the web than in real life, and I don’t understand when people say that online chats are easier. I can’t possibly be the only person who feels this way. :(

[purelyconstructive]

We can all be friends here! There is another person behind the screen, though it might hide that fact sometimes. Therefore, I think talking online is similar to speaking IRL if we keep that mind.

[Skykristal]

Yeah online talking isn't easier. In fact, it's harder. I don't talk that much irl, but when I meet people the convo flows better. Online however.. boy oh boy I don't know how to articulate myself, start topics and just idk.. chat and talk. It's weird..  my wording either gets awkward or I don't know how to form sentences in the first place.
I'm not scared of conversations by any means,  I just don't know how to.. word words. It's as if my mind is overwhelmed and I somehow can't be spontaneous. I see all the other people chatting, making jokes, posting memes and what not and I can't relate.
I do experience and love stuff like inside jokes with people in a similar community. (For example twitch streamers, twitch chat) That's honestly the only thing where I actually feel like I'm in a little group of online buddies who share interests, have similar humour etc. But for example the art community (which I'm part of for my years now) not at all... But I used to a decade ago.

You have more freedom and possibilities online to meet people, which is part of why it's often recommended. But you can't really do anything with that if you, you know, can't talk lol

I also experienced a lot of being ignored , ghosting, being left alone as well. When I try to talk to people online it seems like nobody likes me sometimes.. makes me feel like everything I say is shit or scares people away. Not nice. Since then, I've also become more quiet because I don't wanna bother anyone :/

[SeaSlugUFO]

You're not alone! I find myself being more misunderstood and misread online than in real life, despite the fact that my face and voice is pretty deadpan in real life and I use tone indicators a lot in personal messages. I've typed whole paragraphs filled with tonal indicators and still had my tone wildly misunderstood.

I also feel like a lot of online friendships are very superficial. People online tend to take advantage of the mask of anonymity and say/do things they would never say/do in real life. For example, a lot of online friendships I've had have fizzled out because it quickly dissolved to interactions that just felt like a therapy appointment. Them venting and unloading their life's troubles when we've only had 2 previous conversations about some niche video game. I find online friendships get so heavy and stressful so fast because normal implicit boundaries that exist in real life, don't exist on the internet.

I'd never walk up to the Walmart cashier and immediately tell them about deaths in my family. That's kind of crazy to unload on someone that cannot walk away or they'll lose their job. But online, you can bring up anything and everything you want, anytime, apparently.

You are not alone in this. Many people feel that it's difficult to make quality friendships online. With all of that said, I do have quality friendships online that have lasted years and are still going. But on the internet, there's definitely a huge quantity of interactions versus a very small amount of quality interactions, which I guess is the nature of it. Many people struggle with this.

[toribytez]

…yea. not sure why this is for me, but I find it just as difficult to initiate conversation. thinking of a topic, articulating myself, keeping others interested, all of it makes me just as panicky as it does with a real person in front of me. how the hell do I show that Im listening to someone through text?

well, at least I get to spend as much time as I want thinking if a response, but that doesn’t exactly apply to instant messaging (save me forum pages).

I find it odd that one of the biggest pieces of advice given to shy people, alongside ‘stop overthinking,’ is to try socialising online. Ive never had an online friendship, and I have no idea how to start looking for - or even if I want one! my social skills are just as iffy on the web than in real life, and I don’t understand when people say that online chats are easier. I can’t possibly be the only person who feels this way. :(

You're so real for this, for me it all depends on the community I'm in. For instance, do you have a big hyperfixation you won't stop thinking about? You should discuss with other like-minded people; search for communities of that exact interest and infodump your favorite character for example, though I recommend smaller ones; the bigger ones are overwhelming as hell. But even if it's too much, it's best to talk with your closest mutuals/friends you favor the most, and be on your best behavior; that's how I usually make friends. I'd recommend starting a conversation with something like "what's your favorite [thing]?", "how's everybody's day?", etc.

[futurearcana]

…yea. not sure why this is for me, but I find it just as difficult to initiate conversation. thinking of a topic, articulating myself, keeping others interested, all of it makes me just as panicky as it does with a real person in front of me.

Yes, initiating conversation is always kind of hard, that's why most irl conversations start with "how are you doing" and comments about the weather. It's simple enough and gets the conversation going. But also, if you want to just chat, there's no need to keep people interested, you're not doing stand up comedy, and the other person(s) in the conversation are normally as interested in having the conversation in the first place as you are.

how the hell do I show that Im listening to someone through text?

Hard one, if it's a chat I find that a "viewed" symbol in most chats is enough in cases where you don't have an appropriate way to comment. If it's a forum, I guess there is no good way other than leaving a reply?

well, at least I get to spend as much time as I want thinking if a response, but that doesn’t exactly apply to instant messaging (save me forum pages).

I think it's fine to not have a response sometimes, and not have an instant one most importantly. People are kinda spoiled by having everything immediately these days, we should all learn to take things slower sometimes.

my social skills are just as iffy on the web than in real life, and I don’t understand when people say that online chats are easier. I can’t possibly be the only person who feels this way. :(

I think it's fine, everyone is different and if you have trouble socializing/making conversation on- and off-line, that's fine. If people around you know this, they'll understand. Plus in any social interaction it's not like you owe the other party anything by default.


Other than that, a general suggestion I can try and give you to get more accustomed to socializing is hanging out in vr worlds like vrchat (you can easily play even without vr like any other game). In my experience it's widely accepted that some users are "mute" (eiher in the proper sense of the word or just in game, even temporarely) and it's typically not questioned. So just getting into some nice communities and just being there hearing conversations, or maybe intervening via text chat or voice chat if you feel up to it, I think can already help overcoming at least some of the troubles that shy people have communicating.

[everyport]

…yea. not sure why this is for me, but I find it just as difficult to initiate conversation. thinking of a topic, articulating myself, keeping others interested, all of it makes me just as panicky as it does with a real person in front of me. how the hell do I show that Im listening to someone through text?

well, at least I get to spend as much time as I want thinking if a response, but that doesn’t exactly apply to instant messaging (save me forum pages).

I find it odd that one of the biggest pieces of advice given to shy people, alongside ‘stop overthinking,’ is to try socialising online. Ive never had an online friendship, and I have no idea how to start looking for - or even if I want one! my social skills are just as iffy on the web than in real life, and I don’t understand when people say that online chats are easier. I can’t possibly be the only person who feels this way. :(

It's interesting, the sole fact and possibility of me replying to this thread left me paralyzed thinking whether I should or not, if I had something interesting to say or value to give to the conversation. That's usually the problem I have, if what I'll add is of any value at all... It's easy for me to get overflown with anxiety even through non instant messaging. So you're definitely not alone.

However, for me it is easier than real life or, for example, than voice chats. But I would say all 3 of these are different experiences, not exactly similar ones on a 1 dimensional scale. For example, real life interactions, while I do stress a lot about them, since I have much more practice with them I feel like they end up just happening (and me messing them up) rather than avoiding them altogether. Online I feel like I usually just don't engage.

I think it's important that we keep pushing ourselves, try to get better at this communicating-with-other-human-beings thing, so we don't fall in isolation. In my opinion, we should figure out which method works best for us, use that as our safe go-to, but try to be familiar with all of them.

You're not alone! I find myself being more misunderstood and misread online than in real life, despite the fact that my face and voice is pretty deadpan in real life and I use tone indicators a lot in personal messages. I've typed whole paragraphs filled with tonal indicators and still had my tone wildly misunderstood.

I somehow feel like the people that put the most thought into not being misunderstood are usually the ones that suffer the hardest T-T
I think I put much more thought into what I say, how I say it and when I say it  than my friends and still I feel like I'm much more misunderstood than them. But I think it ultimately comes from a place of them not caring as much and thus them being misunderstood not being that big of a deal overall.

[crazyroostereye]

It's interesting, the sole fact and possibility of me replying to this thread left me paralyzed thinking whether I should or not, if I had something interesting to say or value to give to the conversation. That's usually the problem I have, if what I'll add is of any value at all... It's easy for me to get overflown with anxiety even through non instant messaging. So you're definitely not alone.

Yes exactly that, many Messages I have fully written and was ready to post where I then decided that it dosent add enough value to the conversation.

My Solution is keep at it till it works. Maybe 10% of all Messages I write, I actually Post. Many of them just land in the Junk. But übung macht den Meister (Practice makes the Master). I will just continue writing.

Even this Message has seen many revisions.

[Darmodej]

im the absolute opposite. words be flowing from my fingers riverstyle but not from mouth

[BlazingCobaltX]

I would remember a few things when engaging in online conversations, whether it's DMs or a forum.

A good way to show the other person that you are paying attention is by asking a question about something they said, preferably in a way that advances the conversation and isn't simply for clarification. This shows the other person that you are really engaging with what they are saying, making them more likely to respond in kind and follow up on the conversation.

A general advice, though, is to realise you are as much of a conversation partner as the other person is. Don't treat social interactions like taking an exam: The other party can also do or say something that doesn't sit well with you, and you can react to that as you see fit. Conversations develop on the go and it's up to both parties to keep up with each other. I'm saying this for the people who feel performance pressure during social interactions (been there).

Just like IRL, you will have fleeting conversations online that don't lead to anywhere. Or friendships that start promising and then sink soon enough. It's not reasonable to think that any online interaction should be the best ever; sometimes it's not any better than your average convo at the bus stop. But just like that you can meet someone with whom you develop a meaningful relationship. I met my best friend on a forum just like this one. It IS possible, so long as you take each opportunity to socialise. At worst, you'll learn what to do better next time.