i have GOT to get weirder

[tearyeyedAnimal]

[long post incoming from a guy who should probably start a blog. talking about art, journaling, expressing myself online, etc.]

Hi! Correct me if I've put this in the wrong place - despite being a forum member for like two years, I've succumbed fully to the capitalists and spent said years scrolling mindlessly on Instagram instead of, idk, logging on and figuring this place out.

Therein lies the issue I'd like to bring up tonight. I've become a shell of what I used to be. (Well, okay, that's dramatic. I have a rich inner world, and I've grown up from being a child.) It's just that all my thoughts spill onto my Instagram story, in front of too many people. I put Tumblr textposts on an admittedly ridiculous pedestal, if only because Tumblr feels more... niche and intentional.
I wear the same outfit daily (jorts and a tank top with a remarkably strong inbuilt bra) due to sensory and body image issues but also just because I get overwhelmed deciding what to wear. It's boring. Convenient and cute, but not as expressive as I wish it were.
I draw the same shit over and over again, I take commissions, I post them, I shy away from ever exploring the drawings that actually feel like me because they're not consistent in style, I'm scared to finish them, I'm scared to show them to the world because that feels so much more vulnerable than just posting another piece of fanart.

So the conclusion I have come to is that I have GOT to get weirder.

My inner self is already a weird little guy. I need to express that self, desperately and immediately.

Step two is to sink my teeth into this forum. Step one is to journal.
I've been brain dump journaling semi consistently since late 2024. (The exact date is on the journal on my shelf that I'm not getting up to check.) I've filled up one notebook with stream of consciousness garbage and I hope to fill many more. It's taken me from becoming so anxious that I became almost entirely unable to put words to paper, crying over assignments because my brain would go blank upon seeing a new page, to being able to write this forum post and actually enjoy it.

I now have a brain dump/stream of consciousness journal (B5. Ruled. Thin and therefore portable.), my diary, a media journal, and a soon-to-be-introduced-to-the-line-up commonplace book. The commonplace book is something I've tried before. I like filling it with printed out textposts ranging from inspiring to curious to funny. The media journal is something I've changed my approach to recently. No decorating, just writing. I have a monthly summary of what I've consumed, a monthly playlist, and as well as more traditional media I'm including a YouTube history check-in wherein I go through my history and note down what I've been watching.
I watch a lot of YouTube as background noise, and this has made me increasingly aware of what I'm consuming in a way I wasn't before.

My diary serves as a place to brain dump but neatly, to document my life, to paste in junk or photos, and, crucially, to write my daily "GET WEIRDER" entry. I'm on day three. Today I drew Pinkie Pie as a human, except I did it in a self indulgent, scribbly way where I did not care about making a neat or presentable drawing.

Yesterday I stitched a patch from my childhood pillowcase over a hole in my tshirt using embroidery thread. You get the gist, I think.

I'm not trying to be weird in the sense that I'm not like other people. I'm trying to be weird in the sense that I am a unique person just like everyone else and I feel like I've boxed myself in somehow, into a box that isn't me. I want to find the joy in doing artsy or silly or specific things that I know I can experience if I just put aside this notion of what is convenient and DO THE FUN THING.

And I really want to draw in a way that makes me happy. The idea of posting it just makes me shrivel up a bit in fear. And then it's like, if I don't post it, what's the point. (Obviously the point is to make it. I'm just describing how my brain has been rotted by the world, I guess.)

That's my current identity crisis. Do you have any habits or actions that make you feel weirder? What's something you think is unique or just special about yourself? It's almost 12am, please forgive any mistakes.

My eyes hurt and I guess I just want to know if anyone here can relate to or understand what is going on in my brain.

[cyanidesunrise]

congratulations on entering the new loop in the healing spiral of aggressive hedonism.

That's my current identity crisis. Do you have any habits or actions that make you feel weirder?

ironically, writing blogposts, something you were already going to do anyways. specifically, i make them as dense and powerful as my writing skill allows, while not allowing the writing skill to influence the intent or direction. a kind of angry unmasking - give it the claws to kill god, make it for no one but yourself, cement it in shared reality anyways. journalling does not have the same power for me, as it is still arguable whether it exists for anyone but myself. the publishing is irrevocable. no one can claim that it did not happen.

[pepper]

It looks like the journaling is helping because you're a great writer and this was very engaging and well written! So, keep journaling! I've tried journaling in the past myself but because of ADHD it's just not a habit that ever stuck. When you feel up to it you should definitely write a blog. What I've been doing is trying to write a blog post a month (not holding myself to that as a hard rule though), but really what is happening is that whenever I feel like I have something I really need to get out of my brain and say in a way that isn't just a forum post, I'll sit down and spend a few hours writing. I've always enjoyed writing and so it's been rewarding having a place to put these things.

I also tell myself I don't care if anyone reads them, I'm doing it for me, not for others. It's nice if people read them, I put in effort (ok i lied I'm really proud of that one and want ppl to read it also it's relevant to the current discussion  ), but for the most part I just like writing and like having a place to put things.

Same thing with my art. You do commissions so it may be a different experience for you, but when I post my drawings to bluesky I don't really care if they get engagement or not. I just like to have stuff out there so maybe others will one day be inspired by them, or I guess to just put my own little influence into the world. My bluesky posts consist of black & white film photography, furry scifi art, and reposts of my friends' art. It's, not built for engagement or getting followers and I'm always surprised when someone follows me after I post a photo (my photography does way better on there than my art does), and then stays subscribed when I start blasting furry art onto their feed lol.

Anyways, I guess what I'm trying to get at is that, with the self-indulgent art thing, jsut do it! You've got people that comission you for fanart, but those folks probably like you for your artstyle and personality and will likey appreciate seeing more personal, OC type stuff. I know I like it when I see commision artists posting their OCs and infodumping on them.

To answer you question 
Something unique and special about me! Lately I've been getting real into analog technology, or if not analog then non-smart technology. I already do photography with as little digital involvement as possible, but lately I got a minitape dictaphone voice recorder to keep my thoughts on instead of writing in my notes app on my phone, I have a digital watch coming in the mail so I don't need my phone to keep time, I carry a film camera everywhere, I've been reading library books instead of watching youtube on my lunch break at work. It's been so nice! It forces me to engage with the world in a more intentional way. My goal is to appear like I'm a boring time traveler from y2k lol.

[di]

I have felt this. Especially when I get lost in the cycle of "Go to Work 5 days a week, come  home, rinse repeat"

I'm still trying to break out of this, but something that generally helps me is remembering that life is short, so you may as well just laugh loudly, do things that bring you joy, and stop apologizing for taking up space. As long as you're not hurting anybody, who give a quack? Getting back into old hobbies that I used to do daily -- I know it sounds cliche but in my personal experience this has involved exercising & doing stuff with my body like yoga or dancing and even trying kickboxing -- has helped me relearn how to enjoy the experience of being me lately.

Embrace your unique art style and even the unfinishedness of it. You just got to have fun and not overthink your art. It's your way of expressing yourself. Just taking time to doodle and without overthinking it can feel so great for your mind.

Your little DIY projects sound nice! That often makes me feel good too.

What's unique about me? I don't know if this is unique but I'm one of those people who is constantly making connections in their brain with things that happen and quotes I've read. I have a very linguistic brain, I guess you could say? I love breaking down words, learning etymologies, learning a new turn of phrase, and reflecting on the things and the patterns I see. It's a fun way to experience life.

a kind of angry unmasking - give it the claws to kill god, make it for no one but yourself, cement it in shared reality anyways. journalling does not have the same power for me, as it is still arguable whether it exists for anyone but myself. the publishing is irrevocable. no one can claim that it did not happen.

Damn this is deep!   I love how you've phrased this feeling

I put in effort (ok i lied I'm really proud of that one and want ppl to read it also it's relevant to the current discussion  )

I just read this! Reading about your photography journey is really inspiring and it's interesting how you relate that to our current, what I like to call, "Netflixification" of a lot of stuff, and also to your website itself. This is a good website manifesto. And that last paragraph called me out a bit. You're giving me some motivation to finish a project I've been putting off...

[Dequake]

It sounds like you're already on your way. It's tough, changing one's ways. Lots of things happened to me at the start of my twenties. It felt like just last year that I was eighteen, running around on the streets of my hometown. Now I'm almost halfway to my 30's. I feel like a drone, a grey mass, slithering through the path of least resistance. So I know what you feel.

What worked for me? Making a site, for one. Taking up a huge, never-ending project, alongside that site, that being my archiving of cd's. It's kept me away from the endless well of social media, at least for a few minutes, each day. It makes me feel accomplished, watching the pile of finished archives grow, even though realistically I'm never ever going to have any use for it. It's like you mentioned, doing something for yourself. It's scary. We've all been coaxed into displaying every course of action, every creation. Monetize every hobby, "follow your dreams". Nobody does anything for themselves anymore, and it's making us miserable. It takes more courage not to share everything, because in not sharing we miss out on an opportunity to "make it". FOMO is strong. On the other hand, nobody is allowed to be a beginner on the internet either. If we post something, it must be refined, retried and perfected until acceptable for upload.

I don't know. It's hard being your true self. In my opinion, there is no real way to become more you. Everything that we do is affected by everything else, there is no platonic ideal of a self. The only thing we can do is try to change our outlook on life, our way of thinking. And focusing on our goals, whether they be public, or private.

I don't know if what I'm saying makes any damn sense to you, and I expect it won't. But what I'm trying to get at is that uniqueness, weirdness, doesn't come from what you do, or how you dress. Some of the most unique and weird people I know are that way precisely because they are so ordinary. They are simply themselves, through and through. It's a spiritual thing. That's my two cents.

[tearyeyedAnimal]

I think waking up to several genuine, thought-out responses just healed something in me that contemporary social media has broken.

@cyanidesunrise
the claws to kill god is such a simple yet raw way to describe it. Taking up space unapologetically even if it's just for your own sake. I love this.

@pepper
Thank you  !!! I genuinely love writing and I think I'm good at it too. I don't do it often enough, so compliments on it really stick with me haha.<3
A lot of my writing anxiety comes from my auDHD! I found that the stream of consciousness thing really helped make it a more consistent habit. But also allowing myself space to be inconsistent - leaving the journal open on my desk, picking it up whenever, not worrying about making it a daily thing, etc. But also it's not for everyone - it's cool that you've found blogging as an alternative!!

I read your blog post. It's so true, that this sense of convenience is taking over our ability to enjoy things. I'm putting in effort to engage here. Maybe I'll pick up trying to code my site again soon. Your writing is also very engaging, I really enjoyed the read! I might link it on my Insta (ironic, maybe) if you're okay with me sharing?

@di

I have a very linguistic brain, I guess you could say? I love breaking down words, learning etymologies, learning a new turn of phrase, and reflecting on the things and the patterns I see. It's a fun way to experience life.

That's really cool!! One of my special interests is internet culture, but that branches off into many interests, including linguistics :D I personally love to learn about the way language evolves online. The appropriation of AAVE as "gen Z slang" is a complex and fascinating topic in particular, and it's interesting to compare it to similar instances of words being traded between cultures (especially since AAVE slang is less often traded and more often taken). I also really like thinking about tone online - how,, writing like this,,,, Sounds Different To Writing Like This. If you ever want to talk about linguistic facts, hit me up! I'd love to hear about whatever you've learned :-)

@Dequake
This is a very grounding take, I appreciate it. I think that the weirdness does come from within - I agree with you that you can't make uniqueness appear through clothes or actions. I think my post is more about the fact that I know I often feel different or strange, and that the way I express myself isn't quite how I'd like to do so. All of this, for me, comes under the umbrella phrase of "get weirder".

Thank u everyone <3

[fablefound]

  hello hello, as a proud weirdo i’d love to offer my two cents…
a lot of what constitutes “weirdness” and “cringe” is based in ableism, and the various other isms. i kinda lost my ability to mask as autistic in the early covid pandemic and never got it back, and that was one of the best things to happen to me. i’m not on autopilot like i used to be, and because of that, i know what i like and what excites me. 10/10 do recommend m.

imo, weirdness is best when done with good company. i’m quite fortunate to be a couple cities away from a pretty active arts scene, and i participate there pretty much whenever i can, going to events and also performing when possible. it inspires me to make and share my weird art! i also get tk dress however i want, and tbh, the people in those spaces are generally very weird so wonderful conversations tend to ensue. last night, i had a gig and one of the venue volunteers kinda monologued about this bad conservative cartoon and its accidental queer coding?? lovely.

i also just like to give off a weird vibe, which i think makes me approachable to the right people. i get a lot of compliments on my fashion, and usually have some weird accessory or piece of tech on my person—or both! right now, for example, i’ve got my 3d printed antlers on my headphones, and my homebrew 3ds.

i’m writing a piece for a zine that ends with the phrase “make art, make noise, and make it everyone’s problem” and i think that’s where i’m at currently. i hope everyone here finds folks to make noise with, whether on this forum or in the flesh or some other part of the web