Breakup, loving yourself and going foward even if it feels horrible

[CinPunk]

Hello the vast web
As usual the topics I write are already in the title. Few days ago I broke up with my first partner and is totally horrible. I'm scared to be lonely all my life and I won't feel better anymore. My depression, insecurities and horrible behaviours got me here. I was toxic and I'm paying the price. We both had our problems and now all I feel is shame and I feel horrible. I'm terrorized that he will move foward while I will be lonely forever. I know you should love yourself, but is so difficult for me, I hated my core/essence for all of my life and now I have to do it, I have to push foward even if I want to close myself up again in my room. Also we grown a part, and we were different from when we started the relationship, and either way, I have to move foward in life, work and everything.

I struggle from mental health, depression, suicidal behaviours and loneliness for all my life and even when I have friends and a partner, I feel lonely anyway.

With this post I want to connect with people who are struggling too, so we can cheer ourselves up, to not give up on life and be positive over the future. I was already broken before the start but I tried anyway.

Please be safe, I know is difficult, but we can be better and have a better life if we work on it 

Lots of hugs, because we need them 

[noahie]

Breakups are always a tough thing to go through, especially your first one. It's one that lasts pretty much the rest of your life. Time heals all wounds. It doesn't get better, but it does get easier. One day you'll go about your day and realize you haven't thought about it at all. That's when you know you're starting to heal.

Good luck, fren.

[Cele]

I have many similar feelings! I ended up in a relationship that isn't ideal because I felt so strongly that I can never get anyone else if I don't "settle" for this and now I'm struggling from that so don't make my mistake

But yes, I've been feeling "lonely while surrounded by people" lately. I wondered if I should find new friends, if that would make it possible to do or share something that I maybe can't do with the friends I already have. Not that finding new friends would be easy, though. I still approach this from the perspective that there ARE things I can do to improve my situation.

[Melooon]

I've come to find the all those fears you describe, they do come true  That person will move on without you, and you will always love the version of them you knew. When you really love someone, it doesn't go away, its stays with you, even long after that person dissolves into time.

You'll grow though, and you'll become another person too, and both the good memories and the pain will become part of you, and they will help build who you become. It's on you now to turn those things into the person you want to be. You don't get to leave the pain behind, but you do get to decide what you turn it into.

Sometimes you might find yourself wanting to hurt forever, because hurting for someone is still more than losing them entirely. Don't fall for that trap though, the world is made of a lot more than longing, and your life is worth more than a memory

[candycanearter07]

It's more of a like platonic friendship thing but I've been going through that really hard too... I don't know, I tend to like get attached to people and then manage to ruin every single relationship by being annoying and make myself miserable and stuff and i dont know what to do to fix myself

[CinPunk]

Hi, hello,
I find myself in your words too. I destroyed all of my probable friendships and this relationship in one year, because I couldn't maintain anything and I've passed the time getting annoyed, angry, sad or desperate because other people are not your parents and you're not a desperate child anymore. These problems are different from who to who, for me are deep trauma, horrible self believes and the constant feeling of wanting more, doing more and be perfect in everythig, plus emotions that fluctuates like crazy. What can I say is, understand what happened, be happy with what you have, take small step to a better version of yourself ( not perfect ), and be content even if you end up alone with cats , an apartment full of retro games and a low end job. Sadly not everything works out. it's better to go outside and help actually who needs it, instead of ruminating for years.

Spoilers: the guru ssshhhiii on youtube doesn't work, touching grass, be there for others and go outside the house are better. Going on YT is just repressing whatever you feel, I'm a master in repressing horrible feelings because they hurts ( that's how you end up late in life (if exists something like that), or you see people who were in your life going foward while you feel stuck and lonely )

[anyabooger]

I've come to find the all those fears you describe, they do come true  That person will move on without you, and you will always love the version of them you knew. When you really love someone, it doesn't go away, its stays with you, even long after that person dissolves into time.

Spoilers: the guru ssshhhiii on youtube doesn't work, touching grass, be there for others and go outside the house are better. Going on YT is just repressing whatever you feel, I'm a master in repressing horrible feelings because they hurts ( that's how you end up late in life (if exists something like that), or you see people who were in your life going foward while you feel stuck and lonely )

These quotes are very true!! I've been through so many breakups, and they've all hurt. Even the people I got with because I was scared I wasn't going to find anyone else, the ones who I didn't initially want in the first place -- it all hurts just as much as losing the ones that I thought I was finally, truly in love with. Of course I beat myself up each time, because how could I keep making the same mistake? but with each breakup I learned something new about myself and faced my fears.

I very recently had a breakup, and for the first time it didn't throw me into a full blown spiral. It still hurts a lot!! But I know now from experience which coping behaviors will only make me feel worse in the long run. Thankfully, this breakup occurred at a point where we haven't completely destroyed each other. It was a mutual decision out of love. The fact that I broke the cycle of painful, one-sided black-and-white breakups is enough to let me know that every past heartbreak hasn't been for nothing. Finally, I'm able to grieve a relationship to its fullest without being afraid of revisiting the good memories.

And honestly, you can only really learn from your mistakes if you allow yourself the compassion and patience to make mistakes. Ruminating on what I did wrong, or maybe how I was justified in my anger, was only hurting me and it wasn't changing anything about the outcome of the relationship. You accept that it was simply something that happened and you cannot control it anymore, it's done. There were people/things in your life that you were able to love before you met this person, and there will be more to love after this person leaves. 

[CinPunk]

Sometimes I find myself returning here, and even if the feeling is going away, no one could ever prepare for the hopelessness, especially if you live in small city and  you went away thinking to pull out something from your life, running away from the past.... and after all these years you return, and realize how stupid you were  .

At the end forgiving yourself is the best thing you can do, even if it's difficult and you feel isn't right, remember that there's a little child that needs you  , and is your inner child. Putting yourself first will make you happy in the long run, even completely alone, even if life punches you multiple times. Hug yourself, do things for yourself. If your friends are not available, go out anyway, it's your life and being codependent isn't useful, talk, just go out and try to make this world a little better, propose activities for your communities or even give opportunities for others to meet.

I don't want to give the idea that I'm a sad person, but I think what I'm experiencing could help others people to feel normal  , also normality doesn't exist, is a construct of whatever this society made

Society sucks, this year sucks and all the constructs that were made by society suck