Struggles with Socialisation on the Indie Web

[arcus]

There have been multiple threads over the years concerning making new friends in indie web spaces:

• Leaving social media and staying connected
• Improving the ability to make friends here in the web revival - a big proposal
• how do you make friends in web revival spaces?
• Making Friends on the Web: general use vs. niche spaces
• how do you make friends on the web?
• How do I make friends online without using data-hungry social media?

While some of the posts in these threads discuss the struggles of making new friends, this is a thread focused specifically on that.

• What would you say are the most difficult aspects of meeting new people on the indie web?
• Would you say social media has had an impact on the way you interact with others online?
• Would you say personal aspects of yourself (such as age, disability, gender, beliefs,) make it harder to meet new people?
• Have you reached out to someone else on the indie web before? If not, why not?
• What would personally help you with making new friends on the indie web?

You don't have to answer all these questions, but it's still a good idea to reflect on them.

For copy pasting:

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[quote author=arcus link=topic=5709.msg55525#msg55525 date=1781797459]
What would you say are the most difficult aspects of meeting new people on the indie web?
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[quote author=arcus link=topic=5709.msg55525#msg55525 date=1781797459]
Would you say social media has had an impact on the way you interact with others online?
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[quote author=arcus link=topic=5709.msg55525#msg55525 date=1781797459]
Would you say personal aspects of yourself (such as age, disability, gender, beliefs,) make it harder to meet new people?
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[quote author=arcus link=topic=5709.msg55525#msg55525 date=1781797459]
Have you reached out to someone else on the indie web before? If not, why not?
[/quote]
[quote author=arcus link=topic=5709.msg55525#msg55525 date=1781797459]
What would personally help you with making new friends on the indie web?
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[close]

[Noah_S]

Well, I've always struggled with making friends. It's disability related.

But I have another question. Did people actually make friends on social media? I don't mean people who would sometimes like their posts back and forth and maybe leave a short comment. I mean people to repeatedly have longer conversations with. To open up with about things that you weren't posting publicly. People who would be there for you during your hard times and vice versa? Or did social media train people to view acquaintances as friends?

[Kaiji]

I've always been quite socially anxious, so making new friends has been a challenge at times.
This has led me to usually lurk in most spaces, especially with how social media trains others to be judgmental and unkind.
There is some leftover unease from the hostility of the modern web which I feel may be causing me to be hesitant to reach out to others.

When you're exposed to such an environment you unconsciously adapt your own behavior. So I would not be surprised if others also struggle with this.

As for a solution to this I think by recognizing any feelings or anxieties one has regarding being open or talking about oneself (or just posting in general when it comes to lurkers) can help one work on this and take small steps to be more genuine. Even something as simple as making a post about it for others to relate to. In turn I think this will continue to foster this attitude in the indie web, and will create more comfort for everyone engaging. If people feel comfortable they will be more open, which will lead to more people feeling comfortable, etc etc.

We should try to create spaces that feel welcoming, maybe something dedicated to getting to know others like a sort of web based cafe one could "sit" inside and chat if they wish.

[Melooon]

I made a lot of good and close friends online in my teens and early 20s through my minecraft communities. They were people I stayed in contact with for years (some were close enough that we'd be texting most of the day), we were part of each others lives growing from teens, to seeing some of them getting married, getting jobs and having kids. Some of them I met in person, we traveled together, and in every respect they were true friends. Distance slowly crept in though and the fact that they lived in different countries and were living different lives meant we just didn't stay in sync at a certain point.

Initially what made those friendships work was the fact that we always had a shared project together (the minecraft server), that was a space we met daily. Plus, in a minecraft chat, its ephemeral, its not logged or archived like a forum, you can joke and say dumb things and be yourself and no one will care in a week; and that's important for making friends.

As I've gotten older (im in my early 30s now), I find that online relationships I had as a teen just don't give me what I need any more. I don't want to be on a game every day, I don't want to invest time into a friend I might never actually meet, or who might vanish the way online people do. I want my friendships now to be more direct. When I hang out with a friend, I want to actually be able to get a coffee with them, and talk in person, and have them understand where we are both at in life, and feel we have a future in each others lives.

I bring all that up, because I think a lot of people in the indie web are in their late 20s to early 30s and its worth acknowledging that what you want out of a friendship changes as you get older and the web may simply not be able to provide it.

I really enjoy interacting with people on ML for example, I enjoy offering knowledge and sharing ideas and joking with people (and sometimes debating too), but I've never really looked to make close friends here, and I don't think I could even if I wanted to.

That's fine though, if the web revival has anything to offer, its that the web is a wonderful thing, but it should not be everything, and it should not necessarily be a place for finding close friendships all of your life; it can certainly help connect people, and it can be a great shared interest and passion to have with a friend, but I think good friendships start where the web runs out 

[sunnyp4rk]

I kind of feel similar to what Melon said. Like yeah as a teen, the idea of having friends over an internet connection seemed cool, but now as an adult, I want friends I can sit in a room with. Not to imply that online friends are fake, because one of my best friends ever is an online friend. There's just a limit to how much enjoyment I can get out of sitting in a discord chat before I crave something physical.