Asexual relationships suck

[schlime9k]

Trigger warning; lots of talk about sex (not in any pornographic way but still...)

Hi, I'm asexual (before anyone says I am acephobic) and I'm starting to hate my own sexuality.

For anyone who doesn't know what asexuality is, it means a person feels little-to-no sexual attraction to anybody. This doesn't mean a person doesn't want a romantic relationship (I'm romantically attracted to women), as that is completely different from a sexual relationship though the two are closely linked together... you see where this is going.

There's an asexual spectrum, meaning it varies between person; I am someone who feels no sexual attraction towards anyone (I can still see conventional attractiveness, I just don't get affected by it) and I do not want to have sex in any manner.

If I were to have a partner, they would either have to be comfortable with not having a sexual relationship with me, or I would have to be comfortable with having a sexual relationship with them despite my own sexuality. And this has so far never worked out.

It's been near impossible to find another asexual person in my area, and the girls I'd talked to weren't and were also wanting a sexual relationship alongside a romantic one, and compromise is insanely difficult because sex is, understandably, an important part of relationships. If they can't be happy without a sexual relationship, that is completely fair and I respect that.

I wonder if I should just suck it up and have sex with my partner(s), but it is incredibly uncomfortable for me and every time I've done it I felt simply... dread? I also wonder if I should instead give my partner permission to have sex with other people, though I feel very bad about that...

• Sex is intimacy, it's mainly between romantic partners, it makes me feel like I'm giving part of my relationship away.
• I feel as though if my partner is finding something they want/need from someone else other than me, I'm more easily replaceable.
• I feel as though I'm inadequate, or not good enough, I'm failing to make the fully happy.

This is more of a philosophical discussion now. But, I feel as though I'm more or less obligated to do one of the two (either give them sexual fulfillment or be in a non-monogamous relationship) to keep the relationship intact. Thing is, I don't think I'll be comfortable with an open relationship, nor would I be happy with a relationship where I have sex.

This was my short rant about being asexual, thank you for listening.

[Dan Q]

Sorry; that sounds really tough. I've long thought that ace (and to a lesser extent other gray) folks get among the worst deal, from a sexuality standpoint, not least because we're so-badly sociologically preconditioned to understand and support them.

It's true of course that e.g. homosexual couples are under-represented in media and culture (although that's enormously improved even within my lifetime)... but even they're given some context to extrapolate from. And having a "playbook" of what a default-relationship "looks like"; having role models, etc. is important!

It's tough for me to relate, but one thing stood out to me as somebody who's been exclusively in polyamorous relationships for the last ~24 years. When you talked about the possibility of a sexually-open relationship, you expressed some very specific and commonplace concerns:

• Sex is intimacy, it's mainly between romantic partners, it makes me feel like I'm giving part of my relationship away.
• I feel as though if my partner is finding something they want/need from someone else other than me, I'm more easily replaceable.
• I feel as though I'm inadequate, or not good enough, I'm failing to make the fully happy.

On those second two points and in particular on feeling like you're "replaceable"... I've had those same concerns, long long ago, but I ultimately found that the opposite is true! For me, at least, an open relationship of some kind can provide reassurance that you're important to your partner!

Wait, what? Yes; really! I think of it like this: if you made a superficial list of all of the "activities" that my partner and I share - romance, sex, companionship, blah blah... - then it's easy to see that she can also get all of those from her other partner, too! So it's very easy to take that and come to the conclusion that I should be fearful that she'll leave: after all, I'm giving her nothing that she can't get elsewhere, right?

But that's not what happens at all. Time and time again over the last nineteen-years-and-one-day that she and I have been together, she's proven that she wants to be with me. A lot of people stay in monogamous relationships for longer than they should because it feels like even a suboptimal relationship beats being single... but I know for a fact that that's not the case with us, because if she wanted to leave me... she still wouldn't be single!

I'm reassured every single day that she genuinely wants to be with me and that it's not simply about "scratching an itch"/meeting a need, because she's getting that somewhere else (too) and she's with me anyway.

Every romantic relationship is built on its own rules: I've had ones that have been open and ones that have been closed; ones that have been sexual and ones that have not. But if there's something I've learned from it all that might help, it's that, in my opinion:

We don't own our partners, so it's meaningless to talk about giving them permission (or not) to something with somebody else who's not us. Instead, we state what we need from a relationship. Many - most! - people ask for fidelity, whether romantic or sexual (but even that has nuance - is it cheating to kiss somebody else? to flirt? to fantasise? - different relationships answer these questions differently). While we might imagine that we can stop a partner wanting to leave us by "controlling" what they can do, that's simply not true... and when we let go of our (imaginary) control over them, we're in a position to see that they're with us because they want to be, not because they feel they have no other choice.

That's my take. I know it doesn't "fix" anything - it's got to be still hella hard to form asexual romantic relationships in a world that's built around the expectation of allosexuality! But I just wanted to share that letting go of the notion that a sexually-closed relationship in any way protects you from the risk of a breakup can be a healthy and self-affirming step.

[Noah_S]

Okay, stop. No one who cares about you should want to have sex with you when you aren't enthusiastic about it. I'm also ace. It's better to be single than with someone like that. It's less damaging to yourself.

And if you're in any of the many ace spaces online that tell you that you have to have sex because "they have needs" and "aces can have sex too" or make you feel like you're bad representation by "making allos dislike us more" by not "just giving your partner what they need like a good ace", leave them.

[schlime9k]

We don't own our partners, so it's meaningless to talk about giving them permission (or not) to something with somebody else who's not us. Instead, we state what we need from a relationship. Many - most! - people ask for fidelity, whether romantic or sexual (but even that has nuance - is it cheating to kiss somebody else? to flirt? to fantasise? - different relationships answer these questions differently). While we might imagine that we can stop a partner wanting to leave us by "controlling" what they can do, that's simply not true... and when we let go of our (imaginary) control over them, we're in a position to see that they're with us because they want to be, not because they feel they have no other choice.

Very right, Dan. I probably shouldn't have said "give permission to my partner" because that's not what I meant, I just didn't think of any other way to put it. But I just still don't really know about an open relationship, for me personally. Maybe sexual and romantic exclusivity is something I want to feel like my relationship is secure. But I wonder if that's something I'm allowed to ask of my partner. Is that a valid want for me? Obviously they aren't obligated to stay exclusive to me, they are people with wants after all, but I don't want the person I love to have that kind of intimacy with someone else, is that thought as an asexual person who can't meaningfully have sexual desire with their partner valid? (all rhetorical questions.) I guess it more-so goes into the idea of partners being "special", y'know? One-and-only's (even though there may have been many different One-and-only's before me) because if my partner gets intimacy from yourself and other people, what makes me so special in that? Idk that's just more bad insecure thoughts about me. I really ought to sort these ideas out before getting into a relationship...

if you're in any of the many ace spaces online that tell you that you have to have sex because "they have needs" and "aces can have sex too" or make you feel like you're bad representation by "making allos dislike us more" by not "just giving your partner what they need like a good ace", leave them.

Have you been in spaces where they say that, @Noah_S? Wow, sorry if you had to have dealt with that! I haven't been in many ace spaces On the Line, mainly because I don't like to talk or think about it all too much, but yieks! I can understand where they're coming from, but it may be that due to the under-representation of us asexuals, that our thoughts and feelings may have been sidelined quite a bit, even in our own community...

[Dan Q]

Maybe sexual and romantic exclusivity is something I want to feel like my relationship is secure. But I wonder if that's something I'm allowed to ask of my partner. Is that a valid want for me?

100%, absolutely it is. If that's something you need in a relationship, that's something it's okay to ask for in a relationship!

Of course, every thing you add to you relationship wishlist is one more barrier to finding somebody who fits the bill! So it's also up to you which things are "must haves" and which things... you can be more-flexible on.

I guess it more-so goes into the idea of partners being "special", y'know? One-and-only's (even though there may have been many different One-and-only's before me) because if my partner gets intimacy from yourself and other people, what makes me so special in that?

"Specialness" comes in many forms. As you observe, every individual "thing" your relationship has might well be something that your partner has had from other relationships at some point in time (past, and I guess future, relationships); and some of them might be things they currently get at other points in space (other sources of intimacy, which of course can include non-romantic relationships!).

I like to start a relationship based on that... "spark"... of connection one can feel with people, and then work out what's "special" to us later on. This feels more natural and organic to me that defining at the outset that a particular aspect (e.g. sexual fidelity) is what must exist to make it special.

Idk that's just more bad insecure thoughts about me. I really ought to sort these ideas out before getting into a relationship...

Maybe, maybe not. Just be honest: it's okay to still be figuring yourself out (especially if you're from a minority that, as I mentioned, lacks a supply of role models)! It's okay to start a relationship and say "I'm not fully sure what fidelity and exclusivity mean to me right now. I want us to be each other's one-and-only, sexually, but also I don't ever want to have sex. I know that's complicated and maybe even contradictory and I'm working on it!" None of us are ever "finished"; we've all still got learning and self-growth to do.

@Noah_S 's experience isn't unique, I gather. And ugh, yeah; it squicks me out no end that some folks treat asexuals that way: it's like... dismissing their actual experience of who they are. But so long as they're respectful and kind when they start a conversation about it, I don't think it has to be a red flag: after all, in the spectrum of asexuality there are people who do have different comfort levels. There are aces/grays/etc. who have partners with sexual needs, and those partners feel that their sexual needs are met in other ways. Other partners, sure, as we've discussed, but there's other options too, depending on the asexual partner's position on sex (e.g. whether it's totally abhorrent, or unpleasant, or tolerable, or merely uninteresting) and other physical affection (e.g. kissing, cuddling, massage, etc.).

Like: I knew an ace/allo pair who'd snuggle for a while, after which the allo would masturbate, for example: the allo enjoyed having the intimate proximity and closeness and a not-too-much-later sexual release; the ace enjoyed the former but didn't want anything to do with the latter (in fact, the allo would leave the room and return later, because the ace found it unpleasant otherwise!). This particular couple found a way to make their highly-mismatched sex drives work for them while meeting the things they both really wanted out of their relationship. And that's just one example; there are doubtless countless others (their needs are surely different from every other ace/allo pairing)! I'm sure it wasn't an easy journey for them to get to that point, requiring lots of transparent communication and a willingness to be vulnerable and open, but they got there.

[Null]

And if you're in any of the many ace spaces online that tell you that you have to have sex because "they have needs" and "aces can have sex too" or make you feel like you're bad representation by "making allos dislike us more" by not "just giving your partner what they need like a good ace", leave them.

*Blows up anyone who says that with my mind*
(I don't really have much to add to this conversation, I just wanted to show my support (^.^) )

[Noah_S]

But so long as they're respectful and kind when they start a conversation about it, I don't think it has to be a red flag

In this case you're being too charitable to those spaces.

What got me to leave was the way it was handled when someone who's allo showed up to ask for advice. He said that he wants to be in a relationship with someone who has sex with him and that there's a girl he's interested in who had told him that she's ace and will never want sex.

I told him that they're incompatible, and that while that sucks to find out, he should move on. And the amount of hate I got for that was unreal. Everyone else was encouraging him to keep trying to get her to change her mind because "aces also have sex".

I called that messed up because this particular ace had said that she doesn't want sex, and trying to push someone to change their mind on that is a way of force.

And I got even more hate for that and told that it doesn't matter that I'm a survivor of corrective rape, aces can and should have sex and she could have sex with him and he should keep trying. That's when I closed the tab and never went back. And that experience is why I caution aces who don't want sex from those spaces.

[Dan Q]

In this case you're being too charitable to those spaces.

...

there's a girl he's interested in who had told him that she's ace and will never want sex.

I don't think I am being too charitable, but I think that possibly I wasn't very clear in my position (sorry!).

Ninja edit: I see how I was unclear! It very much looks in my message like I was replying directly to you, but I wasn't! My message had nothing to do with the thing you were talking about beyond my first sentence observing that people are awful to aces. The rest of that paragraph was more-generic thoughts and not related to what you'd said. Sorry: I can see now that the way I phrased it was confusing!

By the time you've been told "I will never want sex", then it is not respectful nor kind to ask about it again! You already have an answer! Trying to "change her mind" once she's already stated her position is not respectful nor kind. I fully agree that this is, as you put it, messed up and a way of force.

What I meant to imply was that: if somebody tells you they're asexual, it's okay to ask what that means to them. Because ace for you won't necessarily be the same as ace for somebody else! (Just like anything else, really.) It's okay to ask "does that mean you will never want any kind of sexual activity that involves me?", so long as when you hear "that's correct" then you don't keep pressing it!