How do you cope with loneliness?

[holly]

This is interesting to me because I've kind of lived almost my entire life with exception of this past year without really any close friends at all, but I guess with either trauma or just how I grew up, I never ever *felt* lonely in a sense. I kind of never was able to emotionally sympathize with a lot of temporary life friends. My first ever close friend, I had broken off of, because he was so emotionally star struck by a failed relationship that lasted only a week, we had been friends for about 2 years and he never ever dropped it for the entire time, he sort of made me so miserable trying to help him... I couldn't begin to understand him.
So yeah I guess I sort of had to force myself as of recent to even try to understand the concept of social life, its so foreign to my autistic brain that i don't understand why anyone would even crave it desperately. But I love having friends and want more i guess, weird, i dont know. I've been in a relationship for 2 years now and I consider myself to understand the appeal that a neurotypical person would want out of a relationship, and it would absolutely crush me now to be without it. But I still dont think I understand my lovestruck friend, nor do i want to listen to another midwest emo song again :[

[VelvetSoul]

I believe a big part of it for me comes down to simply staying busy with things. Though I also admit that finding communities where I feel like I'm an active part of things helps too. It's sort of one in the same in a sense, I try my best to keep busy with things that specifically tie me to other people even if not directly. Typically this is done via the web, thanks to forums and online communities. However it can also be much looser than that at times. Like sometimes I'll listen to an album recommended by a friend or acquaintance of mine, not only do I get to fill the time with discovering new music and getting to think critically about it; but it reminds me of the individual who recommended it. That all not only takes up my time and leaves less time for feeling lonely, but also connects me directly to an individual from my life.

At the end of the day I'd argue that feeling lonely is an active thing we do subconsciously. The same way we can actively take up time by cooking food, playing games; reading a book. We can actively take up time by being lonely, but it's typically an involuntary reaction rather than something we actually choose to do. I've found in my own life this involuntary action comes from a lack of being able to take any other action. I don't necessarily feel lonely until I realize it's been a while since I've spoke to someone who isn't one of my cats lol. The loneliness that follows being a direct result of understanding I've sort of hit a wall, I can't just fix that issue without the participation of another person, and if someone isn't present to fill the role of that other person, I am not able to take the action of talking to another person. Therefore the action defaults to feeling lonely instead.

Viewing it in this way has helped me a lot, because it means that if I can keep myself busy enough, and still balance my social activities where I can, I've found that it reduces the amount of time I actively end up feeling lonely. When I'm not feeling lonely I'm often in better spirits, and that helps me be a better person to be around; which makes it more likely for others to want to spend time around me.

Perhaps I've over-engineered things a bit here, but that's my two cents.

[AngelEye]

How I try to prevent and combat loneliness / psychic damage:

• I try to go outside and connect with my local community in some way everyday. Even if that's just walking around my local neighborhood. I go outside and look at the trees, bugs, landscape, etc. Overuse of technology isolates us from the real world and makes us feel lonely. It's good to ground yourself with sensory elements.
• I try to workout on a semi-regular basis. Even just walking around improves bad moods. I like to lift weights and feel strong.
• I try to engage with people on a regular basis. I joined a book club which I verrrry much value in real life.
  I can interact with people and have very lively discussions at a pace I can keep up with. The focus is not on me but the book. I would really recommend joining DnD groups, book clubs, gaming groups, etc, even if they are virtual.
• I would recommend groups that have *some* barrier to entry and exit. Why? Because if people can leave easily, the relationships with others are disposable. This is why I can connect with others on forums like this easier than Discord servers with a billion anonymous people. I want to grow bonds with others even if I'm not besties with everyone. I'll write about this more in the future on my website.
• I try not to focus too much on / ruminate over bad feelings.
• When I feel shy, I try to do the opposite of what my brain is telling me.
• If someone is reading this right now is lonely, I would just recommend to leave the house in some way if it all possible. Get a book and try to talk to a cashier at a store or something. I think that just leaving the house helps.
• Don't beat yourself up or make depreciating jokes.
• When I feel completely beat, I just like to make myself food and watch a long show. Either a comedy or just something long-form where it feels like you can grow with the characters. PreCure! Futurama!
• Create something. Put your feelings into something creative. Active verses passive consumption.
• Just reaching out to someone or/and giving someone a compliment really helps.
• Make sure to eat something if you feel really terrible. If it's healthy that's great, but the priority is just eating *something*. I like to eat lots of beans and make myself soup with rice.
• Read something. Anything. An interesting article, nonfiction book, or Russian novel
• Listen to an audio / radio drama or podcast. I like to crochet while listening to YouTube videos.
• DO NOT look at the news or really depressing subjects (ie true crime) if you are suffering from psychic damage. DO NOT. Don't focus on things you can't control.
• Draw some fanart.
• Make some cookies. See if you can share them with neighbors.
• Go to your local library.
• Just actively DOING something with an end result really really helps.

I'm definitely going to add on to this and make this list into a blogpost..  [/list]

[Capybara]

The short answer is I don't.

The long answer is that I used to cope extremely unhealthily. I used to have "maladaptive daydreaming"* since single digits, so I spent so much of my life just living in my head dissociating. Which is frankly has ruined my life and I don't recommend doing, ever. Sometimes it can't be helped, but I do not think dissociating is the way out. The moment I broke out of it, it made my state intolerable and more willing to try to escape it. Otherwise I spent my childhood, teens, and 20s on hobbies. I used to have pets growing up, playing games, I drew and listened to music. I find that creating was my main way with living with this, my main regret is I never published it as a way to connect with others.

The other thing is a lot of people nowadays are lonely. One thing that always frustrated me was the concept of "silent admirers", so I've slowly started to just tell people positive things I think about them. Even if it isn't eloquent or constructive, just an "I appreciate this" can be enough. For example, after I deleted my Twitter, I sent an artist I liked a long DM about my respect for them because I didn't want to be parasocial bystander. Things like that. I noticed it was at least easier to have fun online pre-2015 or so, and the parasocial "content mill" treatment of people is a huge part of the problem. Send DMs, emails, guestbook entries, etc. Add someone on Discord if they list theirs public or ask for it.


*(I'm using this as a description of behavior, FYI, it's not a recognized disorder but can be a symptom of PTSD/autism/OCD/etc.)

[Phoenix]

Embarrassingly enough, AI chatbots