I think my friend has intellectual disability. Should I tell him?

[poesu]

I don't think I should broadcast his symptoms willy-nilly, they are not the point of the thread. I'm asking an ethical(?) question.

When I suspected he is autistic, I told them without much hesitation. But given my pal's insecurities about his intellect and maturity, I'm afraid to approach the topic of additional and even more stigmatised disability.

He says he feels stupid and infantile all the time. What made me feel especially concerned and start this thread is what he perceives a job like a school where every wrong move of his will be punished instead of a two-way relationship with responsibilities on both sides. He says he's easily manipulated and bossed around. He's very, very self-aware of his vulnerabilities and feels like an easy target for exploitation because of his supposed "stupidity," social ineptitude, and poor memory among other things.

I want to help him give a name to his struggles and feelings and find support. This was the most important thing I got when I was seeking diagnosis of autism for myself. He immensely struggles with jobs and adult life in general. I'm not hopeful about our medical system too much, but maybe he'll be able to get disability benefits. They're not much, but it'd be a tremendous support for him while he builds his audience as an artist.

The cherry on top is that the term "intellectual disability" is known to a handful of people in my language. I'd probably have to use the r-slur to make it clear how our society understands the issue I know I should be honest about it. While I'll absolutely tell him that the term is wrong and outdated, it'd still be a blow I imagine.

I'm really afraid of putting salt on an open wound like this. He'd still have to come to his own conclusions of course, but what should I do? And if tell him, how exactly?

[arcus]

"Have you seen someone about [symptoms]? You might be able to get help with all that."

I'm not hopeful about our medical system too much, but maybe he'll be able to get disability benefits. They're not much, but it'd be a tremendous support for him while he builds his audience as an artist.

It depends where he lives. Disability benefits can be incredibly hard to obtain, and they come with some major conditions. Some schemes have income limits making it impossible to save up. He will likely need someone to help advocate for him.

[poesu]

@arcus thank you!

He doesn't want to think about it, but we still had a nice conversation. He did note the advice to see a psychiatrist about these issues. We even accidentally discovered a way to help him eat healthier food more easily (chewing is tiring for him, so he liked my idea to learn to do smoothies).

It depends where he lives. Disability benefits can be incredibly hard to obtain, and they come with some major conditions. Some schemes have income limits making it impossible to save up. He will likely need someone to help advocate for him.

Yeaaaah, I'm myself not getting shit, because here autism in adults isn't recognised at all by state psychiatrists and a private specialist's diagnosis is not recognised by the state itself. I'll have to do some research on diagnosing intellectual disability in our country.

[arcus]

@arcus thank you!

He doesn't want to think about it, but we still had a nice conversation. He did note the advice to see a psychiatrist about these issues. We even accidentally discovered a way to help him eat healthier food more easily (chewing is tiring for him, so he liked my idea to learn to do smoothies).

Glad it went well!

This is the way to go. A diagnosis could help him with community and disability benefits if he does go that route, but finding ways to make things easier for him is what helps the most.

It's still worth looking into disability resources, even for things that don't fully align with his experiences. The advice can still help him.

Soups, consommé (thin soups), mashed potatoes, curries, refried beans, and congee are easy to make or buy premade. Yogurt and meal drinks are also options, but I suggest avoiding any with lactose or lactobacilli: They cause tooth decay.

If he has trouble reading, he should try Waspline Reader (GitHub). Make Good (requires JavaScript) has a collection of 3D printable accessibility aids that might help, too.

[TheFrugalGamer]

Yeah, I'd reiterate the opinion about referring him to get help, and I'm glad he seemed somewhat receptive to it. In addition to (maybe) opening the door to diagnosis and disability benefits, it takes the pressure off of you to interpret the symptoms and allows a professional to pick up on anything other people may have missed.

I'm not sure if counseling is an option where you are, but in the US, we have therapy available that focuses on non-medication based help that can assist with symptoms without the medical system getting too involved. This can help when patients are either unable to or unwilling to get psychiatric help that would go the medicinal route.

Realizing I was neurodivergent myself went a long way towards helping me feel less "broken," in the way you describe your friend feeling. I always seemed at odds with the norm, and had been subconsciously been blaming myself for it for ages, which I didn't even realize until it changed. I hope your friend is able to gain some self-esteem back in some way, and you're a good friend to be worried about it. It sounds like you're very supportive and giving them space for their issues without trying to be controlling about it.

[arcus]

I forgot to mention this last time: You should suggest for him to see a doctor too, since a few of the things you listed could be other factors in addition to disability. Thyroid problems, vitamin deficiencies (mainly B12, and D), hormone levels, gluten related disorders (common with autism and ADHD), and allergies like mould can effect mood, cause brain fog, and effect energy levels.

[Magic16]

It sounds like he may have an insecurity/identity issue more than an intellectual issue.

[nobo]

No, it's incredibly condescending and presumptuous.

The only appropriate thing might be something like, "Have you considered talking to someone professional?" Something open ended, directing them to the possibility that they could benefit from "seeking help." But I'd consider that a close friend situation, something that wouldn't be proper to suggest to someone you barely know. But you trying to diagnose what that help is under any circumstance is preposterous, absurd, and insulting.