How do I make friends online without using data-hungry social media?

[angel-val]

Since I transitioned away from using (most) social media run by big companies (deleted my twitter, instagram, and discord accounts but I just can't replace reddit* or youtube), I've found it difficult to make the kind of firm online connections that I used to, and as great as real-life friends are it's not easy to find someone who's into all the nerdy shit I am IRL

It's hard to make up for the loss of something like discord, and matrix has come close, but it has essentially zero discoverability so it's been hard to find any spaces that isn't filled with neckbeards and stuck-up elitists.

I have met a few people (hi memo and luna!), but I haven't found any servers bigger than a few people that feel like somewhere I want to spend time chatting**.

Have y'all who don't use big tech socials been able to find any spaces online where they are comfortable frequently chatting? If so, do you have any pointers, or just places where I can hang out?

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*if you could let me know of any good small-web-related subs that would be awesome, I've looked and I couldn't find anything but I imagine that's just the nature of the beast isn't it lol

**if anyone can suggest or point me to somewhere nice, I'd appreciate it!

[Commodorn]

Well uh... this forum is certainly a great start <:O) I've already made a few here and am frequently having letter-type conversations (among normal ones) with one. I'm not entirely sure what you're looking for specifically, but you might have good luck forming some bonds with people by emailing anybody you find on some place like Neocities if they seem like they'd make a good friend.

What's nice about this part of the web is the fact that a lot of people have entire websites that tell you who they are and what they enjoy. It definitely takes some looking (and maybe luck), but it's worth it in my book. You can even start your own chatroom with all the people you find if you have something that allows you to.

[Memory]

It is definitely harder, but generally the rule of thumb is (just like in real life) to interact in spaces that are tailored to your interests; like you are doing right now already!

Forums, game servers, chat rooms, fan sites, even mailing lists. Without social media, this is a bit more difficult since most of those meetup spaces are using unethical services like Discord, Facebook or Twitter, but if you're proactive and willing to put a mail or two out there every once in a while when you see a cool person's site, that should do the trick.

For example, before social media, I found good friends on my country's major Minecraft forum because we bonded over being queer; we built a user group (it was a feature back in the days), made a chat room for that friend group, played things together and eventually I started dating one of them and now we've been together for eight years.

[dotmidi]

Well uh... this forum is certainly a great start <:O) I've already made a few here and am frequently having letter-type conversations (among normal ones) with one.

That aside, I think the best way to make friends is to just be active in communities you like.. Then when you find someone you think is interesting you can go forth and Email them or other forms of personal contact that user has.
I'm not too sure about sources for chatrooms to use and the like, but i hope someone shares some alternatives for you!

[Memory]

It's about knowing the alternatives. Being then able, to present them to the peers. And being radical to stick with them no matter what others say or suggest.

For voice chatting for example, I use to the old Teamspeak 2. There are a lot of public servers available with most of them being empty. Almost like the former game clans forgot to shut them down 15 years ago. Everyone can step in...

With a couple of people from all over the world, we have set up a meeting every Wednesday evening to play some old Windows games.

I think doing these things regularly helps, too. It all started with a couple of shared interests and the knowledge of how to connect our voices via our Windows 98 machines.

[debleb]

*if you could let me know of any good small-web-related subs that would be awesome, I've looked and I couldn't find anything but I imagine that's just the nature of the beast isn't it lol

there’s a subreddit for neocities users (r/neocities) which is probably as close as you can get but it’s mostly just a place to ask for site making help that won’t get you 200 lines of javascript, three google analytics trackers, and broken css

[Memory]

Since this topic was posted, we also had a lively debate on making friends in the web revival here:

https://forum.melonland.net/index.php?topic=1162

[Cele]

Not gonna lie, I find it nearly impossible to make friends even on social media. The only one that has worked for me since the fall of forums has been Discord.

[Memory]

Not gonna lie, I find it nearly impossible to make friends even on social media. The only one that has worked for me since the fall of forums has been Discord.

I have to agree, honestly.

On Twitter et al, the only interaction that two people have is liking each other's posts, which does "lead" nowhere, and in the rare event that we do talk, it's because someone commented something on a one-off post and perhaps there is a bit of a back and forth; but ultimately, it's going to be gone as soon as the post is old enough to be irrelevant. PMing someone feels like it has to be bound to a purpose, like a question to ask, otherwise it's awkward.

Whereas on Discord, people can just do things, like streaming a game they're playing, and others can join in without expectations, without an express purpose. When both dare, they can start holding small talk and eventually they might find things they are interested in and hold a lively conversation; this is friendship budding!

I think the biggest issue is that small talk is effectively dead online because everything has to be about something, have a purpose. A thread in a forum has to have a topic, a PM or e-mail is supposed to be about something and once that topic has been solved, it's over. Nothing is just a room where people hang out without a reason anymore, except Discord.

That's why I think a forum IRC would be amazing to have: it's just a chatroom where people can join in and talk to others, and that's how people get talking in the first place and form friendships.

[Cele]

On Twitter et al, the only interaction that two people have is liking each other's posts, which does "lead" nowhere, and in the rare event that we do talk, it's because someone commented something on a one-off post and perhaps there is a bit of a back and forth; but ultimately, it's going to be gone as soon as the post is old enough to be irrelevant. PMing someone feels like it has to be bound to a purpose, like a question to ask, otherwise it's awkward.

Yeah, I really used to think that the mutuals and "oomfies" I saw on Twitter and who sometimes commented on each other's posts were actually friends but eventually realized that these people didn't have any other interaction with each other and it's just like you described.

[Zusk]

I found a great way to meet people is just keeping yourself BUSY 
You only have so much time on earth, you know. You got to make the most of it. Reach out to people, engage in creative hobbies, try to control how much time you spend surfing the web/binging youtube/playing 'timewaster' type games.

Going here and joining this community is a great showing of initiative! Keep at it.

[lonelyjuly]

Although I've recently discovered the web revival side of the internet, I've found that losing the friends that I've made on Discord isn't all that worth it. Sure, Discord isn't the best platform to steer away from having your privacy invaded, but it's honestly the only way I can actively find people that have the same interests as me without go too far away from this side too.

Idk. To each their own? :P

[lime360]

idk if it's mentioned in this topic but many people prefer irl communication as only social media alternative.

hovewer, people probably didn't made any friend irl or made at least one so idk if i should recommend it

[pinkvampyr]

I abandoned my main Twitter (I really should just delete it) and I use my other one just for lurking because there are some horror artists and game creators I'm really into, and I recently decided to take a good long break from Tumblr because I was just getting aggravated all the time, and I might go so far as deleting or remaking an account again just for lurking.

I can't let go of discord yet though....I have a really good friend group there and I'm alone a lot :^( so I don't have many alternatives to socializing, plus we can play video games and watch stuff together. I might try to push for us to move to matrix or something because discord is getting so bad. still I'm eager to find more forums and obscure social media to try and fill that hole.

[nobo]

It's very difficult to make friends on the Internet these days no matter what services you use. People are very plugged in. When you're talking to someone, they are only half paying attention to you. In group chats and on Twitter, it feels like you're just screaming into the void. People are less comfortable talking one on one, since there are so many scammers and shady people. So what difference does it make?