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June 04, 2023, 02:59:02 pm - @582.66
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dotmidi
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« on: April 08, 2023, 04:53:43 am »

Coming Out!
I think many people might already have a preconceived notion that this must refer to coming out to your parents but it can also refer to coming out to friends, other family members, or strangers. Basically want this to be a space to share your coming out stories whether its silly, endearing, or just an emotional mess. I feel like this would be a great way to unite the queer community on the web too.

So, here's a little of my story:
At a very young age I always knew I was not exactly applicable to the cis-heteronormative plan my family and the world had at the time.. I went through a lot of identities and experiences before I have come to the person I am today. I think I've been a trans guy for 4 or 5 years now  :ohdear:  :ohdear: it's been a looong time, not to mention, I've been the first to come out in most spaces I was in at the time and at a pretty young age so many of my friends had a hard time adjusting.
As I went through high school though I made friends with this one guy who just.. has no idea what being transgender is or what it's like so we always had veryyy interesting conversations xD. One time I told him about me going to the beach and he made me full on stop mid-sentence, interrupting me with a "WAIT- WAIT- wait- what do you even wear?? To swim? Do you go out shirtless??" It can be quite hilarious just how uneducated some people can be but I never had trouble answering his questions really since he has been very understanding and supportive to me, I can tell he comes from a place of curiosity. I actually do not quite remember how I came out to him .. but thanks to him it was very easy for me to come out to OTHER classmates back then, knowing at least I had someone cheering for me on the sidelines.  :innocent:  :innocent:
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doubleincision
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« Reply #1 on: April 08, 2023, 08:57:56 am »

as a fellow trans man, i love clueless cis guys :grin: in my experience cis men have always been very respectful and chill about my transness but so confused about how we live our lives. they ask the kind of questions that just make you think "oh bless your heart" lmao. i also love explaining how top surgery works to cis guys who are horrified, but curious :cheesy: whenever it comes to the nipple grafts they're like "AGH!!" and clutch their own nipples :happy:

unfortunately i don't have a good coming out story because my coming out experience was...really bad. my mom (i don't have much of a relationship with my dad) didn't take it well at all and said a lot of hateful things. she tried to send me to some shitty therapist who told her that i was the "victim" of an "epidemic" of queerness but i only ever saw the therapist once and didn't go back, for whatever reason. she also took my phone and laptop so i couldn't talk to my partner or my friends, threw out all of my clothes and wouldn't let me dress myself-- i was a minor at the time so i was totally under her control in the situation. i ended up running away from home as soon as i turned 18; i took a retail job and bought myself a new phone and a plane ticket and got the hell out of there, lmao.

this all happened over a decade ago, though, and now my mom and i have mended things and we get along great. i don't resent her for reacting the way she did because this was long before most people even understood what trans people are, and she also was going through some unrelated shit that had her in a bad place mentally at the time. so it's like, i don't hold a grudge for the way she reacted but it was certainly traumatizing, lmao :ha:
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doubleincision
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« Reply #2 on: April 08, 2023, 09:07:20 am »

For a lot of people it works, and I'm happy for them. But personally I can help feeling betrayed by lgbtq+ community for how two-faced it is. How you are promised limitless compassion and love for being yourself, as long as you fall neatly into a preordained category. In reality the pecking order of "who's one of us, who isn't" is just as petty and cruel as any other human organization.
But that's probably just envy on my end for people who have found there place.

it sounds to me like you need to hang out with some elder queer people for a while because as an "old" trans person this is not at all what my experience has ever been? when i came out, literally the first thing i learned was that there were infinite ways to be trans. it would do you well to read some writing by Lou Sullivan, Leslie Feinberg or Kate Bornstein. or go look at the queer neighborhoods on Geocities archives. you'll see that there has never been any kind of neat categorization of transness within the community. the only time i ever see this attitude is with extremely online 15 to 25 year old baby queers who don't know anything but think they know everything, lol
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Cele
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« Reply #3 on: April 08, 2023, 12:12:26 pm »

I never really have coming out moments! It just kinda happens randomly and it's never a "moment" like that. I've never actually "come out" to my family and I don't think my dad even knows to this day until mom told him but if she did, he never mentioned anything. My mom and sister know of my asexuality because, well, it's just kind of obvious if you happen to talk about any topic like that with me :ok: Same thing with my closest friends. I never tell people who aren't my closest friends, except for if someone is trying to hit on me. Then I tell them as soon as it is possible without being weird, and they always back off because they're clearly looking for something I can't provide.

As for the things that aren't asexuality, only my online friends know! Not even irl. I don't talk about such things with anyone else. It is just somehow easier when it's on Discord. Everyone irl thinks I'm just like, aromantic asexual a-any-kind-of-relationship who wants to be alone for all my life, but I'm not! Though it is a bit funny to be with my lesbian friends like an undercover agent like, they think what they want and what I want have nothing in common :ziped:
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« Reply #4 on: April 08, 2023, 08:27:18 pm »

When I came out as a trans woman to all my friends (particularly cis male friends) I was met with surprising support, I too had the hilarious and somewhat cute questions. My favorites were "Can we still hang together at our usual spots" and "Are you still gonna come out on Saturdays to play games?" I was expecting disturbed looks and rants but I was met with them hoping I would still hang out with them! (I still do hang out with them and it's just as amazing as it used to be!)
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dotmidi
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« Reply #5 on: April 08, 2023, 08:51:41 pm »

it sounds to me like you need to hang out with some elder queer people for a while because as an "old" trans person this is not at all what my experience has ever been? when i came out, literally the first thing i learned was that there were infinite ways to be trans. it would do you well to read some writing by Lou Sullivan, Leslie Feinberg or Kate Bornstein. or go look at the queer neighborhoods on Geocities archives. you'll see that there has never been any kind of neat categorization of transness within the community. the only time i ever see this attitude is with extremely online 15 to 25 year old baby queers who don't know anything but think they know everything, lol

Dang I wish I was able to read the rest of what the other person said. Curiosity is getting to the better of me
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Cele
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« Reply #6 on: April 08, 2023, 09:19:44 pm »

Dang I wish I was able to read the rest of what the other person said. Curiosity is getting to the better of me

Same because the quote alone... I kinda agree. The massive acephobia saga of 2016-2020 had a negative impact on me and thousands of others, and I'm sure there are tons bi, trans, etc people who have faced similar stuff from other LGBT+ people specifically. It's always the "oh you have to be this specifically to be valid" stuff. :drat:
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« Reply #7 on: April 14, 2023, 02:04:20 pm »

The topic of coming out is always kinda... half-funny, half-frustrating to me, 'cause. I never necesserily had A Moment like they show in media (and like I'm sure a lot of people actually have).

For many of my friends it wasn't exactly required 'cause we were all growing together and then suddenly instead of a bunch of repressed straight girls we were all lesbians and bisexuals and trans men etc etc, and that's just how it is.

I call myself genderqueer for many reasons, think the cisn't butch lesbian experience, yeah? But I'm not about to explain ANY of that to my parents, lol. Also not gonna mention the asexual part to them, even though I'm pretty sure by now they've figured it out. The evidence speaks for itself.

The lesbian part, however, as the more 'commonly known' and easier to mention, was the funniest one.

I think the first person I actually like directly came out to was my university classmate. I kinda had a crush on her I think, but that never came into play (she was taken and I was still very confused). That did, however, convince me to go party at her place with others from our group, where I proceeded to get very drunk and, consequently, sick. So the scene is set as such - I'm sitting on the floor, sick as hell, can't hold myself up straight, and like a good host she's sitting next to me and lets me lean on her. And of course I am drunkely rambling - you know by now that I do that a lot even sober. All the while I'm trying to text my best friend 'cause she's worried about me.

So she - the classmate - goes: "Is that your girlfriend?" And I'm like: "Nah." And then, since I'm drunk and free and brave, I muse out loud: "I do kinda think I like girls tho."

And she looks at me. And goes: "You know, since the first time you've stepped into the classroom when we've all just met, I hadn't for a second thought you were straught."

And my confused closeted questioning ass goes "rEALLY>?!"

And that whole story is relevant because the next morning I come home hangover and such, but thoroughly enlightened by the fact that apparently my Ellen DeGeneres cosplaying self (not a metaphor, by the way, I've managed to trigger my awakening via Ellen even if those were definitely not the 90s anymore) looks gay, who would've thunk! And my parents are like, the usual, how did it go, what did y'all do.

And I say, quickly, deadpanning:

"Well I got drunk and was confessing to [host name] that I like girls".

And my poor parents blink at me and ask: "...uh, do you?"

And I say "YUP" and make a beeline to my room. The end.

Except not really, 'cause here's where the frustrating part comes into play - ever since then my parents have been pretending they didn't hear me and routinely forgetting that in favor of suggesting I date a man. Well, jokes on them, I don't date women either - I'm an introverted ace with avoidant issues, what can you do?  :tongue:

Just yesterday though an editor I work with clocked me ten seconds after seeing one pic of me, sooo where my orientation is playing it low the genderpunkery definitely does some heavy lifting. Maybe that's why none of my (mostly outspokengly homophobic) extended family ever brings up the relationship topic with me, despite my considerable age. Pretty sure my vibe (and the fact that I once almost fought my uncle over the above mentioned homophpobia) did the coming out for me.
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shevek
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« Reply #8 on: April 14, 2023, 02:27:37 pm »

I usually try to keep it like straight people do. When they just mention their partner, no one bats an eye and they don't have to come out as straight. So I do the same. Sooner or later I will mention my girlfriend in casual conversation and that's that, no separate conversation needed. Online, I like to mention it because visibility can be important.

The only extra coming out conversation I need to have is when stranger men hit on me. The last man to do so told me upon finding out that it's a decision because men are so disappointing, he could change me, and that I should seek therapy, and if I don't change, that I will die. It was my usual dog walking route, and I was scared to walk that for a while, especially because he had opened the entire conversation with "I saw you at the intersection and parked my car and followed you here". I don't even live in a backwards country or area, I live in the gayest area of my country, honestly.

I think many people offline at the office guess I must be bi because I look fairly straight, you wouldn't guess I'm into women and I am not one for pins or patches on my stuff, so I must at least also be attracted to men too. But no one said anything or labeled me in any way, so I wouldn't know for sure.

I think for people who are new to my life, my looks together with the fact that my girlfriend is trans has the risk of them thinking I'm the straight girlfriend going along with my "boyfriend"s crossdressing fetish and having started dating "him" before that happened, especially because she doesn't pass 100% and since I look so femme, I must date her for her masculine elements. This is something that used to bother me when this was still new since I only dated cis women before and I also wanted to be taken seriously about my orientation, but now I am relaxed about it. If you talk more with me, you'll know I only like women. Thinking something else doesn't make it more true. :tongue:

Also let's be real, there is no winning. To people like that homophobic man that approached me, she is not a real man when she would pretend to be a man, and not a real woman when she is who she is. I wonder how he would have twisted and turned the trans status of my girlfriend in that situation, but when he started saying that bs, I just turned around and left while he screamed at me lol.

I just remembered when I told my mum casually; she initially said it was a phase because I dated men in my teens (comphet). But then she talked with our lesbian neighbors about it and accepted it. My mum wasn't homophobic about it, just doubting me, but when she heard that both of her very butch married lesbian friends dated men at some point in their life, she realized it's possible.
« Last Edit: April 14, 2023, 02:38:51 pm by shevek » Logged

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