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dotmidi
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« on: April 08, 2023 @162.30 »

Coming Out!
I think many people might already have a preconceived notion that this must refer to coming out to your parents but it can also refer to coming out to friends, other family members, or strangers. Basically want this to be a space to share your coming out stories whether its silly, endearing, or just an emotional mess. I feel like this would be a great way to unite the queer community on the web too.

So, here's a little of my story:
At a very young age I always knew I was not exactly applicable to the cis-heteronormative plan my family and the world had at the time.. I went through a lot of identities and experiences before I have come to the person I am today. I think I've been a trans guy for 4 or 5 years now  :ohdear:  :ohdear: it's been a looong time, not to mention, I've been the first to come out in most spaces I was in at the time and at a pretty young age so many of my friends had a hard time adjusting.
As I went through high school though I made friends with this one guy who just.. has no idea what being transgender is or what it's like so we always had veryyy interesting conversations xD. One time I told him about me going to the beach and he made me full on stop mid-sentence, interrupting me with a "WAIT- WAIT- wait- what do you even wear?? To swim? Do you go out shirtless??" It can be quite hilarious just how uneducated some people can be but I never had trouble answering his questions really since he has been very understanding and supportive to me, I can tell he comes from a place of curiosity. I actually do not quite remember how I came out to him .. but thanks to him it was very easy for me to come out to OTHER classmates back then, knowing at least I had someone cheering for me on the sidelines.  :innocent:  :innocent:
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doubleincision
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« Reply #1 on: April 08, 2023 @331.90 »

as a fellow trans man, i love clueless cis guys :grin: in my experience cis men have always been very respectful and chill about my transness but so confused about how we live our lives. they ask the kind of questions that just make you think "oh bless your heart" lmao. i also love explaining how top surgery works to cis guys who are horrified, but curious :cheesy: whenever it comes to the nipple grafts they're like "AGH!!" and clutch their own nipples :happy:

unfortunately i don't have a good coming out story because my coming out experience was...really bad. my mom (i don't have much of a relationship with my dad) didn't take it well at all and said a lot of hateful things. she tried to send me to some shitty therapist who told her that i was the "victim" of an "epidemic" of queerness but i only ever saw the therapist once and didn't go back, for whatever reason. she also took my phone and laptop so i couldn't talk to my partner or my friends, threw out all of my clothes and wouldn't let me dress myself-- i was a minor at the time so i was totally under her control in the situation. i ended up running away from home as soon as i turned 18; i took a retail job and bought myself a new phone and a plane ticket and got the hell out of there, lmao.

this all happened over a decade ago, though, and now my mom and i have mended things and we get along great. i don't resent her for reacting the way she did because this was long before most people even understood what trans people are, and she also was going through some unrelated shit that had her in a bad place mentally at the time. so it's like, i don't hold a grudge for the way she reacted but it was certainly traumatizing, lmao :ha:
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« Reply #2 on: April 08, 2023 @338.43 »

For a lot of people it works, and I'm happy for them. But personally I can help feeling betrayed by lgbtq+ community for how two-faced it is. How you are promised limitless compassion and love for being yourself, as long as you fall neatly into a preordained category. In reality the pecking order of "who's one of us, who isn't" is just as petty and cruel as any other human organization.
But that's probably just envy on my end for people who have found there place.

it sounds to me like you need to hang out with some elder queer people for a while because as an "old" trans person this is not at all what my experience has ever been? when i came out, literally the first thing i learned was that there were infinite ways to be trans. it would do you well to read some writing by Lou Sullivan, Leslie Feinberg or Kate Bornstein. or go look at the queer neighborhoods on Geocities archives. you'll see that there has never been any kind of neat categorization of transness within the community. the only time i ever see this attitude is with extremely online 15 to 25 year old baby queers who don't know anything but think they know everything, lol
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« Reply #3 on: April 08, 2023 @466.97 »

I never really have coming out moments! It just kinda happens randomly and it's never a "moment" like that. I've never actually "come out" to my family and I don't think my dad even knows to this day until mom told him but if she did, he never mentioned anything. My mom and sister know of my asexuality because, well, it's just kind of obvious if you happen to talk about any topic like that with me :ok: Same thing with my closest friends. I never tell people who aren't my closest friends, except for if someone is trying to hit on me. Then I tell them as soon as it is possible without being weird, and they always back off because they're clearly looking for something I can't provide.

As for the things that aren't asexuality, only my online friends know! Not even irl. I don't talk about such things with anyone else. It is just somehow easier when it's on Discord. Everyone irl thinks I'm just like, aromantic asexual a-any-kind-of-relationship who wants to be alone for all my life, but I'm not! Though it is a bit funny to be with my lesbian friends like an undercover agent like, they think what they want and what I want have nothing in common :ziped:
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« Reply #4 on: April 08, 2023 @810.63 »

When I came out as a trans woman to all my friends (particularly cis male friends) I was met with surprising support, I too had the hilarious and somewhat cute questions. My favorites were "Can we still hang together at our usual spots" and "Are you still gonna come out on Saturdays to play games?" I was expecting disturbed looks and rants but I was met with them hoping I would still hang out with them! (I still do hang out with them and it's just as amazing as it used to be!)
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dotmidi
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« Reply #5 on: April 08, 2023 @827.56 »

it sounds to me like you need to hang out with some elder queer people for a while because as an "old" trans person this is not at all what my experience has ever been? when i came out, literally the first thing i learned was that there were infinite ways to be trans. it would do you well to read some writing by Lou Sullivan, Leslie Feinberg or Kate Bornstein. or go look at the queer neighborhoods on Geocities archives. you'll see that there has never been any kind of neat categorization of transness within the community. the only time i ever see this attitude is with extremely online 15 to 25 year old baby queers who don't know anything but think they know everything, lol

Dang I wish I was able to read the rest of what the other person said. Curiosity is getting to the better of me
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« Reply #6 on: April 08, 2023 @847.04 »

Dang I wish I was able to read the rest of what the other person said. Curiosity is getting to the better of me

Same because the quote alone... I kinda agree. The massive acephobia saga of 2016-2020 had a negative impact on me and thousands of others, and I'm sure there are tons bi, trans, etc people who have faced similar stuff from other LGBT+ people specifically. It's always the "oh you have to be this specifically to be valid" stuff. :drat:
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« Reply #7 on: April 14, 2023 @544.68 »

The topic of coming out is always kinda... half-funny, half-frustrating to me, 'cause. I never necesserily had A Moment like they show in media (and like I'm sure a lot of people actually have).

For many of my friends it wasn't exactly required 'cause we were all growing together and then suddenly instead of a bunch of repressed straight girls we were all lesbians and bisexuals and trans men etc etc, and that's just how it is.

I call myself genderqueer for many reasons, think the cisn't butch lesbian experience, yeah? But I'm not about to explain ANY of that to my parents, lol. Also not gonna mention the asexual part to them, even though I'm pretty sure by now they've figured it out. The evidence speaks for itself.

The lesbian part, however, as the more 'commonly known' and easier to mention, was the funniest one.

I think the first person I actually like directly came out to was my university classmate. I kinda had a crush on her I think, but that never came into play (she was taken and I was still very confused). That did, however, convince me to go party at her place with others from our group, where I proceeded to get very drunk and, consequently, sick. So the scene is set as such - I'm sitting on the floor, sick as hell, can't hold myself up straight, and like a good host she's sitting next to me and lets me lean on her. And of course I am drunkely rambling - you know by now that I do that a lot even sober. All the while I'm trying to text my best friend 'cause she's worried about me.

So she - the classmate - goes: "Is that your girlfriend?" And I'm like: "Nah." And then, since I'm drunk and free and brave, I muse out loud: "I do kinda think I like girls tho."

And she looks at me. And goes: "You know, since the first time you've stepped into the classroom when we've all just met, I hadn't for a second thought you were straught."

And my confused closeted questioning ass goes "rEALLY>?!"

And that whole story is relevant because the next morning I come home hangover and such, but thoroughly enlightened by the fact that apparently my Ellen DeGeneres cosplaying self (not a metaphor, by the way, I've managed to trigger my awakening via Ellen even if those were definitely not the 90s anymore) looks gay, who would've thunk! And my parents are like, the usual, how did it go, what did y'all do.

And I say, quickly, deadpanning:

"Well I got drunk and was confessing to [host name] that I like girls".

And my poor parents blink at me and ask: "...uh, do you?"

And I say "YUP" and make a beeline to my room. The end.

Except not really, 'cause here's where the frustrating part comes into play - ever since then my parents have been pretending they didn't hear me and routinely forgetting that in favor of suggesting I date a man. Well, jokes on them, I don't date women either - I'm an introverted ace with avoidant issues, what can you do?  :tongue:

Just yesterday though an editor I work with clocked me ten seconds after seeing one pic of me, sooo where my orientation is playing it low the genderpunkery definitely does some heavy lifting. Maybe that's why none of my (mostly outspokengly homophobic) extended family ever brings up the relationship topic with me, despite my considerable age. Pretty sure my vibe (and the fact that I once almost fought my uncle over the above mentioned homophpobia) did the coming out for me.
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shevek
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« Reply #8 on: April 14, 2023 @560.84 »

I usually try to keep it like straight people do. When they just mention their partner, no one bats an eye and they don't have to come out as straight. So I do the same. Sooner or later I will mention my girlfriend in casual conversation and that's that, no separate conversation needed. Online, I like to mention it because visibility can be important.

The only extra coming out conversation I need to have is when stranger men hit on me. The last man to do so told me upon finding out that it's a decision because men are so disappointing, he could change me, and that I should seek therapy, and if I don't change, that I will die. It was my usual dog walking route, and I was scared to walk that for a while, especially because he had opened the entire conversation with "I saw you at the intersection and parked my car and followed you here". I don't even live in a backwards country or area, I live in the gayest area of my country, honestly.

I think many people offline at the office guess I must be bi because I look fairly straight, you wouldn't guess I'm into women and I am not one for pins or patches on my stuff, so I must at least also be attracted to men too. But no one said anything or labeled me in any way, so I wouldn't know for sure.

I think for people who are new to my life, my looks together with the fact that my girlfriend is trans has the risk of them thinking I'm the straight girlfriend going along with my "boyfriend"s crossdressing fetish and having started dating "him" before that happened, especially because she doesn't pass 100% and since I look so femme, I must date her for her masculine elements. This is something that used to bother me when this was still new since I only dated cis women before and I also wanted to be taken seriously about my orientation, but now I am relaxed about it. If you talk more with me, you'll know I only like women. Thinking something else doesn't make it more true. :tongue:

Also let's be real, there is no winning. To people like that homophobic man that approached me, she is not a real man when she would pretend to be a man, and not a real woman when she is who she is. I wonder how he would have twisted and turned the trans status of my girlfriend in that situation, but when he started saying that bs, I just turned around and left while he screamed at me lol.

I just remembered when I told my mum casually; she initially said it was a phase because I dated men in my teens (comphet). But then she talked with our lesbian neighbors about it and accepted it. My mum wasn't homophobic about it, just doubting me, but when she heard that both of her very butch married lesbian friends dated men at some point in their life, she realized it's possible.
« Last Edit: April 14, 2023 @568.65 by shevek » Logged

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« Reply #9 on: August 10, 2023 @683.21 »

I have 2 pretty funny/sad ones depending how you look at it eheh-

I came out to my best friend [very religious] over the phone as gay and she started praying- I had to keep myself from giggling because I genuinely just found it so funny. We're still friends and she's very sweet :3 very accepting nowadays!!

Came out to my mom as trans and she just completely forgot the next day. I've come out to her a total of 4 times now lMAOO
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« Reply #10 on: August 10, 2023 @719.62 »

I don't really have much of a "coming out" story. My wife knows I'm not entirely straight. She knows that before we met, I had been forcibly kissed by some drunk guy at a Sisters of Mercy concert that I attended on my 21st birthday (back in 1999). She also knows that even though it had been sexual assault, it had turned me on, and that if the guy hadn't forced himself upon me and I had felt safe to do so, I might have been willing to explore.

However, I haven't been with anybody but my wife. I might be queer, but I'm not willing to throw away a good marriage to explore my queerness.
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« Reply #11 on: August 10, 2023 @925.15 »

Mine are pretty embarassing honestly.
I always kinda knew that I was queer, even very early on, since there were just no expectations or norms on gender and sexuality in my family.

When I was around eight years old, I went to my dad who was doing laundry at the time and told him I had a same-gender attraction. Unfortunately, it happened to be a time where I had a phase where I'd tell wild lies to my parents only to see how they would react, so my dad thought I was kidding. Since he thought I was trying to gauge his reaction, he responded professionally like a 'model dad' (so I'd learn something) and told me he doesn't mind, he loves me like I am, and that it's no big deal.

Years later with like 12 or so I mentioned it again and he had no idea I ever came out to him, haha. He reacted pretty much the same though, but he believed me that time.

As for school, I was... a weird kid and not in the good way. I was very attention seeking and awkward/creepy, so my genius idea was to tell my friend to out me among the class in my stead. I wanted a lot of attention for it but honestly people just didn't care (or thought it was weird or like he was trying to bully and tell lies about me). I was really mad that noone cared. I didn't even become the queer token. People just didn't mind or mention it.

As for my original transition, I came out to my mom and dad and they had a bit more difficulty accepting that. They felt like it was very uncharacteristic for me, and as time went on, they felt like I was becoming really narcissistic with my identity - and they were right. Relations soured as I became really stingy and cocky and kept going out and presenting myself in embarrassing... "colorful"... ways.

My detransition was received much better though.
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« Reply #12 on: August 10, 2023 @942.22 »

my funniest coming out story was in high school, i was in a skype chat with some friends, and i spent like hours building up the courage to come out and these were the two reactions i got:

  • so THAT's why you don't like anime
  • sorry, what was that? i wasn't paying attention
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« Reply #13 on: August 11, 2023 @987.56 »

coming out as bisexual went a little something like this:

in the car driving home with my mom
me: mom, i think i'm bisexual
mom: what makes you think that?
me: i look at women in their underwear and think they are attractive...
mom: everyone feels that way! that doesn't make you gay, though :) you can't be bisexual!

mom... are you bisexual, too?

coming out as trans went like this:

me: mom, i'm a boy, not a girl
mom: are you sure
me: yeah
mom: well, i'll always love you and you'll be my little girl forever :)

many, many years later, my mom (and my dad) have come to accept everything. they were never directly homophobic or transphobic, luckily, just a little ignorant lol. but my coming out experiences were both a bit anti-climatic, and in my opinion, a little annoying! never had to come out to any friends really, they were all queer too LOL

at this point, i'm just glad my parents can get my name and pronouns right! took them a while but they came around.
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« Reply #14 on: August 11, 2023 @537.31 »

I didn't "come out" as such as... One day people just knew? It's hard to describe.

My high school peers knew I wasn't straight because one day I had a girlfriend and everyone saw us holding hands. It was nice actually, despite some silly questions, because no one bullied us for it. Everyone accepted us and we were never harassed or otherwise made fun of for dating. Some girls asked me if I was gay, and though I'd calmly tell them no, I still like boys too, they'd reply back with: yeah but you're with a girl now, so you're gay, right? Still, people were more curious than anything and I was never harmed for not being straight.

The same thing happened with my parents. Back when I spoke to my dad I'd asked him if my girlfriend could come over for dinner. This is because he's really old fashioned and he wanted me to invite all my partners over for dinner so he could meet them. Again, no issue, no comments other than "Yeah sure." and that was that. My mom too didn't care much either, it was just really accepted and normal.

I was brought up knowing that I could date, love, kiss, marry, whoever I want so... It didn't surprise me that my family couldn't care less who I was with beyond: Do they treat you well? I realise I have been really fortunate in my experiences. My little brother attends the same high school I used to, and though the kids were accepting of me back then too, the school provides a lot more support and such for the LGBT+ kids than they did when I attended. My brother assures me that he's very popular in the LGBT+ club he helps run after school :D!
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