Dear trans people, what are some things you would like the cis to know?

[halcybutton]

i wish cis people would realize we just want to be treated as equals. i don't need special coddling, i just want to be regarded in the same way everyone else is. also, that trans people come in all forms. some want to stealth, some want to be out and loud, some want to pass, others don't care as much, some medically transition, some don't, etc etc. there isn't one right way to be trans, and that's perfectly fine. no matter the journey, we still deserve the same respect as everyone else

[JINSBEK]

Finally, remember, when people complain about trans individuals being difficult, my roommate always asks: "Are they over 25 and do they have a job?" Because often, they're just dealing with teenagers being teenagers, not something specific to being trans. Most trans adults are just like anyone else.

Yes, 100% this. Stressed out, hormonally insane, sleepless anxious teenagers who may or may not act as if they know everything are never pleasant company, regardless of gender. Don’t let your temper flare and argue with emotionally unstable children, it’s a waste of time and rarely productive.

Personally, I want to add to the discussion:

Gender is just one part of a person’s character. Yes, it can be and often is a major part of who they are, but gender isn’t equivalent to political views, tastes in music, hobbies, fashion, religious practices, cultural expectations, and so on. I personally have more in common with a cisgender Asian bilingual adult of any sex, or a cisgender observant Jew-by-choice, than I do have in common with the average transmasculine, solely Anglophone American Gen Z’er. My favourite exchanges often are with people who engage in the same activities and interests in me, e.g. we go to the same bike raves and Flow Jams, volunteer together, and drink at the same bar. I don’t like someone more just because they’re the same gender as I am. What about you?

Believe it or not, people can have different feelings about society, their gender, and life in general.

Honestly, if you think someone is cringe, just don’t hang out with them. Get on with your life and don’t be an ass. Not everyone’s the same and not everything’s for you. Do the right thing and go spend time with your family.

[serenefork]

I'm transmasculine nonbinary, but I'd normally just say I'm a trans man. The things I'd like for cis people to know are that people don't need to preform their gender how society expects of them! I'm a man and I like "girly" things and that's fine! I've started noticeably transitioning but people keep assuming I'm transfeminine because of the things I like. 
I  hope that any cis people reading this think about if their gender has been railroading them in how they present themselves and how they interact with things associated with other genders.

[VioletHeaven]

No, the comics and viral videos you're used to aren't true, 98% of the time trans people react either by going "oh, i'm actually [gender]" or ignoring you completely, they don't form a ruckus and start screaming at you

Personally, as a trans woman myself, people like chomphon (and the other people who make videos like hers...) really give trans women a bad reputation. We don't have beards, we normally dress well. She dresses intentionally poorly to get attention from the right-wing grifter crowd, and I just want to say that most trans women don't actually try to look the way she does. I'm really appalled by how much attention a grifter like her gets, as she drags down the reputation of the wider, non-online community.

I'm not trans myself so I won't say a lot. But please don't ask someone their pronouns in front of a large group of people or some other public setting. This goes double if you're in a professional setting or that person is the only one you asked in that whole group.

This, 100% this. I pass and I genuinely hate "pronoun circles" and being asked what my pronouns are. While I do understand that some people are nonconforming, they'll usually approach you themselves about their preferred pronouns. I can say with confidence that the number of people I've met in real life who don't conform to what you'd expect their pronouns to be, is pretty close to zero. You're best off with assuming based on presentation, and then taking a polite correction with grace if you're wrong.

Gender is just one part of a person’s character. Yes, it can be and often is a major part of who they are, but gender isn’t equivalent to political views, tastes in music, hobbies, fashion, religious practices, cultural expectations, and so on. I personally have more in common with a cisgender Asian bilingual adult of any sex, or a cisgender observant Jew-by-choice, than I do have in common with the average transmasculine, solely Anglophone American Gen Z’er. My favourite exchanges often are with people who engage in the same activities and interests in me, e.g. we go to the same bike raves and Flow Jams, volunteer together, and drink at the same bar. I don’t like someone more just because they’re the same gender as I am. What about you?

Yeah, and I just want to expand on this point:
As a trans person, or even if I was cisgender, any one aspect about myself (be that my sexuality, or transgenderness) doesn't actually define who I am. It might limit where I can go (I'm never going to the middle east at large, except potentially Israel after the war ends), given that I present and pass as a woman, but otherwise, it doesn't actually matter. I'm in love with Jinsbek because he's a wonderful man, because we have a lot of shared interests, and because I value his perspective in life, not because either of us were specifically seeking a trans-for-trans relationship. I have much more in common with people who share the same spiritual beliefs or cultural background as me, rather than another trans woman. You really don't have to interact with a trans group just because they're trans if there's nothing there that actually interests you.

And to respond to @DiffydaDude, if you're going to write a trans character, I would strongly suggest making them normal. A lot of trans women aren't perpetually online, unemployed, "puppygirls". A really good example of a somewhat comedic narrative with a trans character is Tiff and Eve's webcomic, where the fact that Tiffany (one of the main characters) is transgender doesn't actually affect the story much at all (though I do recommend later issues as the early ones are very stereotypical). Trans people can have any political beliefs, motives, family structures... most trans people who don't spend most of their time online, don't even actually have trans friends at all! I know I don't, barring my fiancé.

One more thing I'd like to add is that in my experience, queer support groups usually aren't actually healthy places to make friends. Most trans individuals that I've interacted with don't have healthy support networks, and the groups I've seen aren't actually conducive to building those support structures, either. They might have a social worker or two, but by large people in those groups don't interact out of shared interests or common ground, and being transgender doesn't usually make for a very interesting conversation topic. Most people don't want to hear how I have to pluck my eyebrows every morning, or how much estrogen I'm taking, you know?

[JINSBEK]

I'm not trans myself so I won't say a lot. But please don't ask someone their pronouns in front of a large group of people or some other public setting.

This, 100% this. I pass and I genuinely hate "pronoun circles" and being asked what my pronouns are. While I do understand that some people are nonconforming, they'll usually approach you themselves about their preferred pronouns. I can say with confidence that the number of people I've met in real life who don't conform to what you'd expect their pronouns to be, is pretty close to zero. You're best off with assuming based on presentation, and then taking a polite correction with grace if you're wrong.

Now this, this is interesting. I've never experienced a "pronoun circle" and didn't even know such a thing existed. I also don't mind anyone approaching me and asking my pronouns in a public or professional setting, even in front of a large group. Maybe it's my pathological lack of a fear response (lmao) but I appreciate the gesture. I take the goodwill far more deeply than the overlaying faux pas. "Hi, obviously genderqueer person! Welcome to the group! How may I address you respectfully?" Like doesn't that sound like the nicest Martian you've ever met? If you met a Martian like that, would you punch them in the face? No, you'd smile and nod and give them your pronouns like a civilised Earthian, right?

I personally like the extra effort others put into asking about my pronouns, even though an assumption would be socially smoother. The fact that some random bloke is going out of his way to add friction to his life just to be nice to me is really nice and heartwarming. I don't know. That's just me.

[VioletHeaven]

Now this, this is interesting. I've never experienced a "pronoun circle" and didn't even know such a thing existed. I also don't mind anyone approaching me and asking my pronouns in a public or professional setting, even in front of a large group. Maybe it's my pathological lack of a fear response (lmao) but I appreciate the gesture. I take the goodwill far more deeply than the overlaying faux pas. "Hi, obviously genderqueer person! Welcome to the group! How may I address you respectfully?" Like doesn't that sound like the nicest Martian you've ever met? If you met a Martian like that, would you punch them in the face? No, you'd smile and nod and give them your pronouns like a civilised Earthian, right?

I personally like the extra effort others put into asking about my pronouns, even though an assumption would be socially smoother. The fact that some random bloke is going out of his way to add friction to his life just to be nice to me is really nice and heartwarming. I don't know. That's just me.

Thanks for your reply, Jinsbek! It did make me really think more deeply about why I'm viscerally against pronoun circles. I think it's because personally, I've only ever had it used, or seen it used, to single out people and make them uncomfortable. If a random clueless guy walked up and asked, I'd probably be happy to respond! But the intent matters, I think. I don't mind wearing a pronoun badge at work, because everyone else does. I don't mind appending my pronouns to my work email signature when someone asks, because I know they don't have any ill intent. If a martian, or someone who wants to get to know me, came up to me and asked, I'd be happy!

But again, it's all about intent. I do think I may have come off a little too strongly against it initially, but in my experience, it usually just serves to make the one or two queer people uncomfortable in a cisgender-majority group.

[arcus]

The following articles discuss genitals, but aren't explicit.

• Chromosomes don't determine biological sex. Common beliefs about biological sex are either misleading or flat out wrong.
• Biological sex isn't binary (archive). Everyone has a mix of different traits.
• Estrogens don't weaken (archive) [non-explicit depictions of genitals]. They have their own performance enhancing effects in sports. The theory that women were scavengers while men were hunters isn't true either.
• Testosterone does help with muscle growth (archive), but it's effects are misunderstood [USA Politics, potentially dysphoria inducing].

[takomo]

The big thing I want people to understand is that I have a life outside of being trans. I don't sit around all day thinking about nothing but how trans I am and arguing with people about it online. It's not the only thing about me, and (in my opinion) it's not even a particularly interesting thing about me. I don't want my gender to be a big deal, it's just that certain people decided that it needed to be one.

[rnottelovesowls]

non-binary androgynous individual speaking what i would suggest, is to just behave yourselves when you're around us or talking about us. sometimes you get so weird whenever we exist, and it in turn weirds us out. we just want to be seen as humans, not... promiscuous deviants who want to brainwash your kids. or pitiable lumps of misery. get a grip and treat us as your equals, please

and for pete's sake, enough with the "attack helicopter" jokes! they were never funny to begin with

[Noah_S]

Just because I don't look androgynous doesn't mean I'm not nonbinary

I recently had a doctor start arguing with me after he had referred to me with one of the most gendered words based on my appearance and I corrected him.

[larvapuppy]

To Noah S's point, it's really funny how much one's body seems to imply gender to the cis 

If I wear jeans and a t-shirt, even from the men's section, because of my body I'm still feminine according to a lot of people. Wearing the most neutral clothes available but having identifiable secondary sex characteristics invalidates my gender, apparently. I have to get parts of me lopped off in order to be nonbinary enough to some people. And if I decide to wear a skirt one day it's a crime, whereas if I had been born with a penis, wearing a skirt would make me more "queer" in their eyes.

So I think I just want everyone, cis and trans, to question gender more deeply than just repeating buzzwords and slogans. "Gender is a social construct" is true, but do you actually know what that means? Do you know what gender is? If you don't, to put it bluntly, you have a fundamental lack of understanding of the world around you.

[Senkusha]

Honestly, I wish that we as a Civilization, had a class or period in school that taught people to live in other's shoes.  Whether that's six months of "opposite-day" where you're thrown into the gender expectations of other genders (I almost said opposite-- that's how deep this topic goes), or maybe just more education in general of being more accepting and accommodating toward other people.

The "Trans Issue" is actually much deeper than just gender.  It touches on entitlement, privilege, and really, our entire way of life.  Transness scares a lot of people.  (Ask me.  I'm living the experience, so I'm qualified on a personal experience level here.)  And because people fear this concept, they act out, sometimes using violence.  I truly believe that education, in some manner, could correct these behaviors, and allow people to just be people--however they wish to self-express.

I could go on and on, I've lived this way for over a decade now.  And to be honest, there are some days where I feel genuinely hopeless for Humanity.  You'd think with all the information and knowledge that we have at our fingertips, that we're exposed to in the media through television, that we'd have evolved past all the senseless bickering already.  But I have to keep hope nearby.

"The only constant in the universe is change." -- my father, when I was like eight (and whoever said it before him.)

[dogbrain]

trans man here! i can think of a few things. i'll try not to reword what has already been said since i think most people in this thread worded their points eloquently.

1.) you don't have to hate yourself to be trans. there are no prerequisites. feeling that you'd be happier and live a more fulfilling life as another gender is enough.

2.) we are not a monolith. the right often speaks of trans people as if we're a hivemind collectively marching on the same agenda, and that's just not true! no two trans people experience transness the exact same way because we are all our own individuals.

3.) some trans people are going to seem cringe or silly to you, and that's okay. the 14 year old neopronoun user with dyed hair and eyeliner is no less trans than the plainly-dressed guy who cares about passing. you don't have to understand the former, but you do have to treat them with the same basic human decency you would the latter.

4.) trans bodies can look like anything. we come in all sorts of shapes, colors, and sizes just like anyone else. the stereotype you might have in your head of a trans person is just one of the infinite ways a trans person can look, because we are just human.

5.) transition is natural, migration is life, we all inhabit a state of transience as humans and transsexuality is just one manifestation of that

as far as my subjective recommendations go? read trans writing, vote to keep our rights, be there for the trans people in your life, and consider giving one of us 15 bucks for a yummy sandwich

[fairyrune]

dogbrain, you've taken the words from my mouth! too many people talk to a trans person (or a Black person, or a disabled person, or, or, or...) and think they understand it all. on the contrary! most people have biases and blind spots. it's so important to take in a variety of viewpoints from not just different trans people with different trans experiences, but trans people who have experiences with other things too, because the way these categories exist aren't isolated (this is known as intersectionality).

"transgender" just means "this person is not the gender they were assigned at birth". it doesn't exclusively mean trans man or trans woman. nonbinary people are transgender too, because... well, as far as i know, people aren't generally assigned nonbinary - and "nonbinary" is a big category, encompassing everything that isn't strictly "man" or "woman".

trans is an adjective. please also get to know us as people! we're not just our transness. some of us are pretty cool, just like any other person. this also means referring to us as "trans people", not, like... "transgenders".

try not to say "[person] identifies as [gender]". it suggests that we're not actually, meaningfully the gender that we are. you wouldn't say that about a cis person, so don't say it about a trans person.

sex can absolutely be changed. indeed, categories of sex are entirely made up by humans, and we're able to change physical parts and secondary sex characteristics very easily nowadays. the whole "but sex is when chromosomes!" thing is both unscientific and a product of transphobes moving the goalposts to try to invalidate what we are.

if you need to refer to parts or certain characteristics for medical or other reasons, i encourage you to use the names of those things. instead of saying "women" when discussing, say, various diseases of the uterus, you can just say "people with a uterus". it might sound a bit odd or crude at first, but it improves life for everyone as people who do need treatment or screening for something but aren't generally included due to their gender won't feel isolated and singled out. it also makes things more inclusive for cis people who might not have the part you're referring to for various reasons. (the exception to this is an individual preference in certain settings. if you're intimate or otherwise close with someone and they'd prefer you use certain terms for parts of them, do respect that!)

there's also terms for whether estrogen or testosterone is doing the bulk of the work in the body - "estrogen-dominant system" or "testosterone-dominant system". some women have more testosterone and some men have more estrogen, so it's not strictly a "male" or "female" thing! it's also a helpful way to refer to what happened in puberty instead of "male/female puberty".

[Offline]

trans man here! i can think of a few things. i'll try not to reword what has already been said since i think most people in this thread worded their points eloquently.

1.) you don't have to hate yourself to be trans. there are no prerequisites. feeling that you'd be happier and live a more fulfilling life as another gender is enough.

This is something I'm still trying to internalize for myself. I never had gender dysphoria which is why my doubts of whether or not I'm trans often creeps in even after I've more or less accepted I'm trans. The thought of being perceived as a girl, trying more feminine things, and being called little sister by my older sister has always made me feel ridiculously happy.