Dear trans people, what are some things you would like the cis to know?

[Memory]

One small, simple thing

No, the comics and viral videos you're used to aren't true, 98% of the time trans people react either by going "oh, i'm actually [gender]" or ignoring you completely, they don't form a ruckus and start screaming at you

[Yaya]

Hi everyone! I’m transfeminine non-binary, always open to questions or discussing my experience! There are certain narratives or discussions, though, that I'm just not willing to have. If anyone tries to invalidate my identity, suggest I’m brainwashed, or doomed to hell, I probably won't engage with you. Also, I don't entertain debates over chromosomes, birth genitals, or sports participation—people pushing these topics often don’t actually care about understanding.

I do martial arts, where there's a lengthy 30-page book on hormone testing and strict guidelines for trans women participating. But guess what? It's rarely used, which makes you wonder why there's such a big focus on this when we know the science. My family, friends, therapist, and multiple doctors all support me, seeing this as part of a process that makes me happier and healthier. I trust their support way more than the opinions of strangers. I can make my own decisions about hormones; it's not all or nothing. If you're really curious, talk to an endocrinologist or a gender therapist.

Recently, I was in a restaurant and overheard a group of girls discussing one of their siblings transitioning male to female. One of the girls was against it, not because she disapproved, but because she worried about how mean the world would be. That might be true, but kindness can start with you.

Throughout my transition, I've faced moments of pure hatred just for existing, but also moments of profound tenderness, kindness, and love.

From a practical standpoint, respecting someone’s pronouns is not a political statement—it’s respecting a human right to identity and personhood.

Also, the terminology is changing; 'male-to-female' and 'female-to-male' are not really appropriate anymore. It focuses on a binary switch, which doesn’t reflect most trans people’s experiences. We're seeing more recognition for nonbinary identities, with terms like AMAB and AFAB evolving to 'my AGAB was Male or Female' to be more inclusive.

Most people I meet think it's pretty cool and are supportive, even if they find it a bit weird, and that's fine! If I'm at a restaurant or a store, I'm not making a political statement; I’m just living my life. Being trans is one of the most authentic parts of who I am, allowing me to live without filters.

Finally, remember, when people complain about trans individuals being difficult, my roommate always asks: "Are they over 25 and do they have a job?" Because often, they're just dealing with teenagers being teenagers, not something specific to being trans. Most trans adults are just like anyone else.

Rock on 🤘

[Misanthropic Monster™]

Hi everyone! I’m transfeminine non-binary, always open to questions or discussing my experience! There are certain narratives or discussions, though, that I'm just not willing to have. If anyone tries to invalidate my identity, suggest I’m brainwashed, or doomed to hell, I probably won't engage with you. Also, I don't entertain debates over chromosomes, birth genitals, or sports participation—people pushing these topics often don’t actually care about understanding.

I do martial arts, where there's a lengthy 30-page book on hormone testing and strict guidelines for trans women participating. But guess what? It's rarely used, which makes you wonder why there's such a big focus on this when we know the science. My family, friends, therapist, and multiple doctors all support me, seeing this as part of a process that makes me happier and healthier. I trust their support way more than the opinions of strangers. I can make my own decisions about hormones; it's not all or nothing. If you're really curious, talk to an endocrinologist or a gender therapist.

Recently, I was in a restaurant and overheard a group of girls discussing one of their siblings transitioning male to female. One of the girls was against it, not because she disapproved, but because she worried about how mean the world would be. That might be true, but kindness can start with you.

Throughout my transition, I've faced moments of pure hatred just for existing, but also moments of profound tenderness, kindness, and love.

From a practical standpoint, respecting someone’s pronouns is not a political statement—it’s respecting a human right to identity and personhood.

Also, the terminology is changing; 'male-to-female' and 'female-to-male' are not really appropriate anymore. It focuses on a binary switch, which doesn’t reflect most trans people’s experiences. We're seeing more recognition for nonbinary identities, with terms like AMAB and AFAB evolving to 'my AGAB was Male or Female' to be more inclusive.

Most people I meet think it's pretty cool and are supportive, even if they find it a bit weird, and that's fine! If I'm at a restaurant or a store, I'm not making a political statement; I’m just living my life. Being trans is one of the most authentic parts of who I am, allowing me to live without filters.

Finally, remember, when people complain about trans individuals being difficult, my roommate always asks: "Are they over 25 and do they have a job?" Because often, they're just dealing with teenagers being teenagers, not something specific to being trans. Most trans adults are just like anyone else.

Rock on 🤘

That was the most beautifully articulated set of paragraphs on this topic I've read. As a transmasc non-binary person, I appreciate that society is slowly evolving to recognise gender identities outside of the binary more. There is definitely progression where I live compared to how things were when I was growing up in the '80s - back then when I'd talk about my gender identity I was often shut down or laughed at, or told I was just 'confused' or 'going through a phase' but that is just who I've always been.

The bit you said about respecting someone’s pronouns not being a political statement—but respecting a human right to identity and personhood is the most real and true thing.

[Plasmon]

Ok, so don't let me speak for all trans women—I'm just one, but there are a few things I've picked up on.

• Don't speak to journalists about us. I know that sounds like a weird thing to request for anyone, but since you're an ally, we expect you to be a friend as well—friends don't spill the beans on anything. (I'm mostly bringing this up because there's some journalists from The Guarian going around asking about DIY HRT and stuff.)
• In my personal opinion, it's best practice to just say "trans" instead of "transgender" or "transsexual," since I've heard both of the terms in common use.
• Think about gender in as a set G = {(x₁, x₂,..., x_p) | x_n ∈ ℝ^gobbledygook}. Gender is complicated and weird, and there's no real way to visualize it, much like the Dao or some other religious concept you can cite to look clever.
• Not all of us are furries—I just thought that would be useful to know.
• Some people might change genders and not change their presentations much at all—I'm a butch lesbian, for example, and I still look pretty masculine (despite my beautiful hair).
• Somebody already said this, but I think it bears repeating: Don't engage with The Phobes. They're not arguing against our humanity because they're somehow almighty, logical creatures, it's because they're grossed out.
• Based on my own experience, don't ask for a grace period when a trans friend comes out—they'll understand if you slip up by accident.

[victoriana]

I'm not trans myself so I won't say a lot. But please don't ask someone their pronouns in front of a large group of people or some other public setting. This goes double if you're in a professional setting or that person is the only one you asked in that whole group. If anybody reading this has done this before, ask yourself why you singled out that person in particular and check if it's motivated by biases or stereotypes. It has happened to me before and it was very uncomfortable being the only person asked a question like that in a group of more than 20 people.
Also, if you suspect that someone is trans but they haven't come out to you, don't make jokes about them being trans, even if it's well intentioned. If you want to show your support, find another way. Joking about sexuality requires a certain level of comfort to be taken cordially.
Also, congrats on the gender journey OP!`

[kepler-16b]

I'm not trans myself so I won't say a lot. But please don't ask someone their pronouns in front of a large group of people or some other public setting. This goes double if you're in a professional setting or that person is the only one you asked in that whole group. If anybody reading this has done this before, ask yourself why you singled out that person in particular and check if it's motivated by biases or stereotypes. It has happened to me before and it was very uncomfortable being the only person asked a question like that in a group of more than 20 people.
Also, if you suspect that someone is trans but they haven't come out to you, don't make jokes about them being trans, even if it's well intentioned. If you want to show your support, find another way. Joking about sexuality requires a certain level of comfort to be taken cordially.
Also, congrats on the gender journey OP!`

YES. THIS. As a trans guy, this is also very tough early on, especially as a teen who might not be completely out yet. I've had a few times where someone has asked me my pronouns in front of friends/family who I have not told yet, and I have to either dodge the question or answer she/her, which I hate saying. If you want to ask someone their pronouns, do NOT do it in front of people who might not already know.

[Misanthropic Monster™]

  Joking about sexuality requires a certain level of comfort to be taken cordially.

I don't really see gender identity as being the same as sexuality/sexual orientation. Trans people aren't inherently gay and vice versa :)

[Memory]

I am a cis male (meaning that I identify as my birth gender), and out of curiosity I would like to hear the voices of our trans people in the melonland forum. (This includes trans men, saddened to see that I almost never hear about them.)

This includes things about how to support, what you shouldn't do, etc.   I'm not expecting this topic to really go anywhere but it's worth a shot.

Edit: Trying out being non-binary, let's see if it sticks!

Edit2: Genderfluid

Hiya !! Transmasc guy here, the one big thing I think cis people should know is if you misgender someone just correct yourself . I know when a cis person makes a big deal out of it , it's always with good intention but its not a big deal. It can get annoying as well so just correct and move on :].

[invader_gvim]

hi, transmasculine here! honestly i think the best thing any cis person can do is just be respectful. you dont have to scream and shout about how much you support us, you just need to respect our identities or at the very least mind your own business, you know? just treat trans people like anyone else and that will honestly mean way more to us than you may think :D

Wow yeah this is such good advice from any minority to someone who is not a minority. It applies to so many groups if not all. I have always disliked when all someone I know wants to talk about is my membership in the minority club.

What I really really like and appreciate are all of the people who go out of their way to talk to me like a woman, and include me in social situations. I have a coworker who has started calling me hun, honey, etc. It makes me feel so good and I appreciate all of those people so much.

[Misanthropic Monster™]

I like to link this video to cis peeps if they struggle with anything about gender identity, sex or sexuality.

It's a great easy-to-understand guide 

[PurpleHello98]

Also, the terminology is changing; 'male-to-female' and 'female-to-male' are not really appropriate anymore. It focuses on a binary switch, which doesn’t reflect most trans people’s experiences. We're seeing more recognition for nonbinary identities, with terms like AMAB and AFAB evolving to 'my AGAB was Male or Female' to be more inclusive.

Really? I'm a trans woman and have never heard of such changes. I don't generally use "male-to-female" for myself, but that's because I believe spiritually and all, I've always been female.

Here's a big thing for me: not all trans people like to be referred to in the same way. I, for example, can't stand being referred to as "transfemme" as it makes me feel less like a woman and more trans. Also, not every trans person identifies as queer---I'm a straight trans woman, and I feel removed enough from the queer community both from their end and my end (if that makes sense) that I don't identify as queer or really even in the overall LGBT+ community---I mainly just feel trans as separate from all that. (Not that I'm saying there's anything wrong with being queer, LGBT+, etc.---I'm just saying that I'm not.)

[devils]

Cis people have the tendency to ask too much about things that are really personal, like our genitals which is just weird and inappropriate. Another thing they have the tendency to do is to say something pretty bigoted and/or insensitive and expect the trans person they're talking to to debate them or calmly explain why it's transphobic.

It's so, so tiring. If nothing else, I just wish cis people would let us live without expecting us to be a walking encyclopedia of trans facts and to have to disclose our personal business.

[Misanthropic Monster™]

Yeah - I've also noticed that some of my friends who claim to be trans allies, still say really ignorant, bigoted and offensive stuff but under the guise of 'open mindedness' when really it's just intrusive and patronising. I just find it taxing/exhausting to speak with most people about my gender identity.

[Fisher Moon]

Transmasc here.
Personally, I think the one big thing for me's already been covered- misgendering/deadnaming someone isn't a big deal.
The other thing I'd like to say is that while it is a good practise to give everyone the space to list pronouns/preferred names, there are certain situations where I pretend to be female just for convenience's sake (e.g bathrooms), or deadname myself (e.g. being at thanksgiving with distant relatives).
Also, while I don't think it needs to be said, while I am personally fairly gender conforming (to being male), this isn't everyone, anyone can do whatever gender thing they want, including cis people, etc.
On the flip side, some people really want to pass, and may change their behaviour/appearance in ways that feel silly to those who have always been one gender, or don't care about being perceived as their gender (which is also valid).
Yes, gender roles are arbitrary and unnecessary, but sometimes I have to wear a hat so people will see me as male because I don't want to have to correct them and it makes me happy when they assume it on their own (this is an actual thing I swear). That idea's more common in online trans spaces (and honestly seems to be a small group of people who probably are just speaking with more absolutes than they should), but I at least wanted to address it, since I have just seen it turn back into the ol' "I liked you when your hair was longer".

[boyrotting]

transman here ^^ I would like to say, do not correct people on the usage of a trans persons pronouns if they haven't already corrected them. It can oftentimes out people who don't want to be outed, or just trigger an uncomfortable conversation. For example, I was at a fair talking to some lady with my dad today and she'd been referring to me with she/her for around five minutes when my dad said "actually they use they/them pronouns" (i don't but im not fully out to my parents since they see being nonbinary as still being a girl in some way and would freak if i told them im a man). And the doctor went on and on about how it's plural and she just gets confused. It made me feel gross and more dysphoric then if she'd just kept referring to me with she/her pronouns. Do please note this is my own experience. It's different for everyone. Do please ask someone who you're planning to go out in public with if it's okay to correct people's usage of their pronouns.

I aplogize for the disorganized response I'm exauhsted but still wanted to say something.