How do you cope with loneliness?

[soju]

listen to wikipedia!
it's nice to think of how many other people are all awake and online at the same time as me, thinking and writing and editing and sharing information... there are so many people who know so much about things i've never even heard of before, and we're all here on earth together at this very moment! i find it really wonderful and relaxing and it always cheers me up a bit if i'm feeling down or lonely. whatever's going on with me, there's always somebody out there editing wikipedia... i get the same feeling when i'm up late and i see a light on in someone else's room, even if it's streets away; it's just nice to know someone else is here, too, right now, even if we have nothing to do with each other.

I just checked this out! Such a cool way to demonstrate the scale of the internet. Like you said, it's really comforting to know that you're not completely alone, even if you don't know who is out there. The ambiance and sense of connection is also really relaxing, I could definitely see myself using hatnote as white noise to fall asleep to.


As for what I do when I'm feeling lonely; I try to force myself to go outside and try new things I wouldn't usually do. Even if it's a fairly reserved activity like going out and getting lunch, I find that it just helps me to get out of the house. Going on walks, to the gym, to concerts, museums, or just driving around listening to music pushes away those thoughts of loneliness I have when it gets to be too much.

[cami02]

I guess being alone is pretty easy for me as a very introverted person so I don't really need to cope. If I ever do feel lonely, I just give my sister a call or text a friend. If it's nighttime and everyone is asleep, I cuddle my cats  For those who are more extroverted, I imagine it's more difficult... My advice there would be to just reach out to someone, anyone - someone you care about or even a stranger online. What's the worst that can happen? They might not reply or be unavailable at the time, but most likely someone is. It's also important to learn to enjoy your own company. Which, trust me, I know is very difficult - I struggled with that for years. But once you finally do, it's worth it. Being comfortable in your own company makes you more independent and makes loneliness easier to cope with.

[nana7828]

Reading or listening to music i like being alone a little with myself i talk with myself too for me this was a little common at school every break i was alone reading manga,i like to be a little alone :)

[e-]

I'd like to add context to this discussion, if I may.
for various reasons I stopped having friends when I was maybe 11 or so and never regained the ability to make them. I've shut myself off in my little room of introversion for my whole life and am generally fine. So when ppl are responding with 'I'm an introvert so loneliness doesn't bother me.' I very much understand. BUT. The problem with that is waking up realizing you're missing out on life because you've locked yourself away in your own prison of comfort and sameness. Being alone is quite manageable when everything is safe and sound. But when you get well outside your comfort zone suddenly you need people to help you through; and if you've spent your whole life comfortably recluse it feels a bit like being dropped in the ocean when you never learned how to swim. I started this thread when I was living in a hostel on the opposite side of the planet. That's why I was feeling unbearably lonely. Getting out of your comfort zone is necessary for progress though. So maybe coping with loneliness isn't necessarily a good thing. I feel like it's a uniquely modern thing to not need people. You can use technology to supersede the biological necessity of contact with other humans. It's really not so hard to be comfortably alone. I find that horribly tragic though. It's harder than ever to connect with anyone around you because they've all got their interpersonal needs satiated by media and the internet.
In short, yes, I can cope with loneliness. I just don't really want to anymore. :/

[MrsMoe]

I don't have any good advice to add because quite frankly, I've been doing a terrible job at coping. I try to do a lot of things the people suggest here, like create things or take care of myself, but the loneliness zaps so much energy out of me that I can barely get myself to do these things. This why I wanted to ask you all something: what do you do when your depression and loneliness gets so bad that you can't distract yourself?

[e-]

@MrsMoe Well, this may or may not be horrible advice, but it works for me: I don't attempt to distract myself. I often feel like distraction is the worst thing you can do, because ultimately you're just repressing which is in itself agonizing. I go for really long walks, sometimes all night, as long as it takes to untangle all the stuff in my head and come to some sort of realization about why I'm feeling the way I am and a hypothesis for what to do about it.

As painful as it is, I really do believe loneliness and depression exist for very important reasons. For me it usually has to do with too much stagnation. When I am not moving forward in life, doing new things, growing stronger--that's when my mental health just collapses in on itself.

I guess I've been surviving on the belief that if I'm feeling depressed, there is a very rational and important cause that I am simply unaware of. And if I think about it enough and keep trying new things, eventually I can work through it. This belief has never let me down. It's never easy, but it's the only way forward. It's like some unpleasant task you'd rather not do, like getting spiders out of your house or something. You don't want to go face the spiders but if you let that dissuade you you doom yourself to having spiders in your house forever. Avoiding discomfort can wind up being the most uncomfortable thing.

That's what I do. But take all of the salt. I don't know how to live, life is never easy for me. I do think that I've come a long from where I've been. My problems of 5 years ago would be nothing to me now. But my now problems are just as crushingly overwhelming as they've always been. Progress at least gives you an internal feeling of perseverance, which can go a long way.

[MrsMoe]

@MrsMoe Well, this may or may not be horrible advice, but it works for me: I don't attempt to distract myself. I often feel like distraction is the worst thing you can do, because ultimately you're just repressing which is in itself agonizing. I go for really long walks, sometimes all night, as long as it takes to untangle all the stuff in my head and come to some sort of realization about why I'm feeling the way I am and a hypothesis for what to do about it.

As painful as it is, I really do believe loneliness and depression exist for very important reasons. For me it usually has to do with too much stagnation. When I am not moving forward in life, doing new things, growing stronger--that's when my mental health just collapses in on itself.

I guess I've been surviving on the belief that if I'm feeling depressed, there is a very rational and important cause that I am simply unaware of. And if I think about it enough and keep trying new things, eventually I can work through it. This belief has never let me down. It's never easy, but it's the only way forward. It's like some unpleasant task you'd rather not do, like getting spiders out of your house or something. You don't want to go face the spiders but if you let that dissuade you you doom yourself to having spiders in your house forever. Avoiding discomfort can wind up being the most uncomfortable thing.

That's what I do. But take all of the salt. I don't know how to live, life is never easy for me. I do think that I've come a long from where I've been. My problems of 5 years ago would be nothing to me now. But my now problems are just as crushingly overwhelming as they've always been. Progress at least gives you an internal feeling of perseverance, which can go a long way.

Thank you so much for your words. Regardless if it helps, I appreciate it a lot 

If I can't go on a walk, will lying in bed and just sitting with my feelings work too? I live in a woodland area and my mom doesn't like it when I got on walks sometimes because it makes her anxious.

[Snow]

How do I cope with loneliness?
I don't, really.

Well, I do try and find ways to cope with it, but there are some days and nights where everything weighs down on me and something will serve as a stark reminder of how lonely I am and how most of my life has been void of socialisation, friends, and pretty much any interpersonal connection with other human beings. I've been friendless most of my life. I've never had a "friend group" and I don't know what that is. At most I've had a couple of people I'd consider acquaintances come-and-go throughout my life but that's about it. I spend 99% of my time alone and I often go days at a time without speaking to anyone face-to-face. At this point I've grown used to it. I'd say I'm mostly lonely because I'm autistic and hardly relate to anyone. My whole life I have felt so alien - like I'm a spectator in life, on the outside looking in. It especially doesn't help when it feels like where I live (Australia) everyone is super extroverted, confident, loud and outgoing, and I'm the total opposite of that, being extremely shy, introverted, quiet and meek.

As a few others have mentioned in this thread, I find that staying distracted and preoccupied with hobbies is the best coping mechanism. When I'm bored I tend to get lost in my thoughts and I usually spiral into negativity often directed at myself. But I find that when I'm working on one of my creative projects my mind will concentrate more on that; same for if I'm listening to music, watching something or playing a video game. I've found listening to music to be of tremendous help and when I'm listening to songs I really like, I get lost in all kinds of daydreams and my mind will often try to imagine my own "music video" in my head full of colourful and crazy visuals to accompany the song I'm listening to, and oftentimes my mind will end up looking something like your average Cyriak video or something, and that makes me happy!

But going back to the topic of loneliness, I know it's going to sound cliché but I really think it's best to just try and put yourself out there, even if it means finding a community and sort of having to aggressively exist in public, for lack of a better term. It'll be weird and awkward and sometimes a little cringe, but if you go in with enough gumption and consistently try to engage, even if it doesn't seem to work for a while, very often you'll make a space where you can fit in. It has sort of worked for me before, with limited success, but like I've tried to go to social groups for things like tabletop gaming, Smash Bros tournaments, and even pickleball and 10-pin bowling, and I've been able to talk to some people there and that makes me feel less lonely. Can't say I've ever made any friends from those events or it's been able to "fix" my loneliness though, but that's not to say it can't! We're a social species; when we see someone trying to engage, we're literally wired to reciprocate. I dunno, maybe this is preachy and incoherent, but I think that's the best advice I've got.

I do wish people all over the world felt less lonely. A lot of people would be a lot happier if we all felt more included and a part of something, and that we are all worth something, you know?

[vaderbuild]

Loneliness is a very tough problem to overcome, and I've had many struggles with it. I think my perspective could be useful as I've been both lonely and un-lonely pretty recently, but granted I am in high school where social opportunities are shoved in your face a lot.

I totally agree with you that distraction is a pretty unhealthy coping method, but sometimes it can keep us sane when there seems to be no out, which is I guess why so many people have recommended it. I moved across the country during the pandemic and lost all of my friends and just completely disassociated with the internet and video games. It helped in the moment, but I'm pretty sure it also ruined my social skills in real life, and I was very very shy and awkward when school started again after quarantine. (I should add that I've good online friends, but none of those friendships really lasted long... but they were still nice. Although I think that nothing beats natural real-life connection, seeing people react to one another in real time and such)

The only thing that really helped me to make friends was to understand the people around me better - their mannerisms and things they found funny and their experiences. And the only way to understand the people around me was to be around them, quite a lot. And sometimes I had to force myself and sacrifice things and time to do so..

I remember in 9th grade, the only social thing I did was chess club once a week (I'm cool, I know). And that first meeting I was physically shaking with anxiety. But I also eventually met my best friend there, as we were similar skill level and would play each other a lot, which turned to talking, which turned to sitting with each other at lunch. Fast forward to 11th grade, and I had two hobbies I was good at - drawing and playing trombone. I liked drawing a lot more, but I got peer pressured into joining the marching band even though I thought it was kind of weird and pointless. Now with the season over, I can say that marching band was weird and pointless, and I wondered if it was a mistake a lot of times. But there were also parts that I enjoyed, and I improved so much socially with all of those hours around other people. I didn't quite mesh with most people there, but I found a group of people that I quite enjoy being around, while also being very tiring for me. So it definitely wasn't all great, but I can say that I didn't feel lonely during this period at all.

This is all to say that in my experience, having a social hobby or activity might help, even if it's not your main interest. I liked what Snow said, "aggressively existing in public" haha. Even if you don't say much, just showing up helps.

Thank you so much for your words. Regardless if it helps, I appreciate it a lot 

If I can't go on a walk, will lying in bed and just sitting with my feelings work too? I live in a woodland area and my mom doesn't like it when I got on walks sometimes because it makes her anxious.

@MrsMoe If the weather is decent, sitting outside could work too. I also find that writing my feelings out in a journal is really helpful for straightening my thoughts out. Best of luck to you too!

[candycanearter07]

I think the problem I have with loneliness is the same problem that causes most of my issues in my life: a lack of conviction to do things outside my comfort zone/outside the flow of things..

Like, I only really feel comfortable being kinda outgoing and nerdy about stuff when it's either like watching someone else play a game (and its like a group of people) or like they come up to me and force that conversation and while I do have some "friends" maybe in person it feels like the second there's not an event or like hanging out at a certain place each day to force us together then it just feels a lot harder to reach out and stuff and its even hard to like work on my hobbies sometimes because I'm all worried about messing up or it being hard and then I don't even try and IDK

TLDR I'm ok at talking with people when I'm not the one organizing and there's something else going on to comment on

[ayn_sweeet]

I used to have no friends. For about 2 and a half years of my life, I was bullied a lot and had pretty much nobody to rely on... and (being an extrovert) it was hard for me to cope with the loneliness. But before I give you any tips, please remember that it is okay. There is nothing wrong with being alone. Everyone feels lonely sometimes, and its okay. 

Here's just a general list of things you can do to deal with loneliness. :D

1. Acceptance is the first step to dealing with loneliness. Acknowledge that you are lonely, and acknowledge that it is okay... no matter what the circumstances.

2. Discover yourself (or re-discover yourself.) Go outside one day and go alone. Be alone with yourself and with your thoughts and discover who you are as a person. Go somewhere that nobody else goes to (like the middle of a forest or an abandoned park.) It might be uncomfortable... or you might even find that you enjoy it. No matter what, learn to love yourself and be alone with yourself.

3. Read something. Reading is what really helped me thru loneliness. Pick up a book that sounds interesting and dive in! If you can't think of any books, try researching a bit... but I would definitely not recommend booktok for newer readers unless you are a GIANT A03 fan...

4. Look around. No, seriously. Look around. Have you ever taken even one moment of your life to actually look around? Look at the building you are currently in or buildings around you and contemplate the design choices... why did the designer choose to do that particular thing? Do you think it's aesthetically pleasing? What could they have done differently? I never noticed that the mall I frequently went to on a daily basis had so many shops I didn't know about... so many fire escape doors that I could explore. I never noticed all the little corners of my school, all of the "out-of-bounds" areas that I hadn't given a second thought on. It was insane.

5. Romanticise your life. This is controversial, but romanticising my life is what really helped me thru being lonely. Making it into an "aesthetic" that I was following helped me a lot as it no longer felt like something I had to just trudge through, but as something fun and aesthetically pleasing.

6. People watch. Just watch people. Listen to conversations, pretend you are apart of them and add your own contributions.

7. Philosophy is your best friend! Research on it a bit and actually think deeply about your answers and the way you construct them in your brain.

8. Talk to people online. No matter how alone you are, you always have the internet. Try to find a community of people online that you can be friends with, to help fill that pit of loneliness you have created for yourself. You could even go as far as to finding communities in your town/city... but this can be risky and I wouldn't recommend this if you don't know self defence or if you don't keep pepper spray in your wallet.

9. Start a very long TV series. Gilmore Girls is my personal favourite.

10. Start playing/learning video games. I remember that when I was very lonely, I played valorant and league of legends frequently to get my mind off of things.

11. Listen to new music! This was also something I did to get my mind off of things/cope with loneliness. If you have some artists/songs you strongly like, go on this website called spotalike and find similar songs/artists! Music is a great escape from reality as well. I used to make up scenarios in my head that matched the beat of the music whenever things got tough.

12. Don't hold yourself in, let it out and cry. Crying is sometimes the best way to let things go.

13. Discover new hobbies.

14. Finish projects you have been meaning to finish but haven't had the time for.

15. Discover what your political views on the world are... like for example, through my loneliness epidemic I discovered that I was alternative.

I hope that these help! And remember, being lonely is okay. There is nothing to be ashamed or upset about. Being alone is actually (in my opinion) sometimes better than it is to have friends.

If you ever want to talk, my email is aynmerchant9@gmail.com. I'd be happy to have a discussion with you <3

[Bluuu2000]

I  go  on  walks  a  lot.  Also  I  was  an  only  child  and  moved  around  a  lot  so  I  just  sort  of  got  used  to  solitude.

[holly]

This is interesting to me because I've kind of lived almost my entire life with exception of this past year without really any close friends at all, but I guess with either trauma or just how I grew up, I never ever *felt* lonely in a sense. I kind of never was able to emotionally sympathize with a lot of temporary life friends. My first ever close friend, I had broken off of, because he was so emotionally star struck by a failed relationship that lasted only a week, we had been friends for about 2 years and he never ever dropped it for the entire time, he sort of made me so miserable trying to help him... I couldn't begin to understand him.
So yeah I guess I sort of had to force myself as of recent to even try to understand the concept of social life, its so foreign to my autistic brain that i don't understand why anyone would even crave it desperately. But I love having friends and want more i guess, weird, i dont know. I've been in a relationship for 2 years now and I consider myself to understand the appeal that a neurotypical person would want out of a relationship, and it would absolutely crush me now to be without it. But I still dont think I understand my lovestruck friend, nor do i want to listen to another midwest emo song again :[

[VelvetSoul]

I believe a big part of it for me comes down to simply staying busy with things. Though I also admit that finding communities where I feel like I'm an active part of things helps too. It's sort of one in the same in a sense, I try my best to keep busy with things that specifically tie me to other people even if not directly. Typically this is done via the web, thanks to forums and online communities. However it can also be much looser than that at times. Like sometimes I'll listen to an album recommended by a friend or acquaintance of mine, not only do I get to fill the time with discovering new music and getting to think critically about it; but it reminds me of the individual who recommended it. That all not only takes up my time and leaves less time for feeling lonely, but also connects me directly to an individual from my life.

At the end of the day I'd argue that feeling lonely is an active thing we do subconsciously. The same way we can actively take up time by cooking food, playing games; reading a book. We can actively take up time by being lonely, but it's typically an involuntary reaction rather than something we actually choose to do. I've found in my own life this involuntary action comes from a lack of being able to take any other action. I don't necessarily feel lonely until I realize it's been a while since I've spoke to someone who isn't one of my cats lol. The loneliness that follows being a direct result of understanding I've sort of hit a wall, I can't just fix that issue without the participation of another person, and if someone isn't present to fill the role of that other person, I am not able to take the action of talking to another person. Therefore the action defaults to feeling lonely instead.

Viewing it in this way has helped me a lot, because it means that if I can keep myself busy enough, and still balance my social activities where I can, I've found that it reduces the amount of time I actively end up feeling lonely. When I'm not feeling lonely I'm often in better spirits, and that helps me be a better person to be around; which makes it more likely for others to want to spend time around me.

Perhaps I've over-engineered things a bit here, but that's my two cents.

[AngelEye]

How I try to prevent and combat loneliness / psychic damage:

• I try to go outside and connect with my local community in some way everyday. Even if that's just walking around my local neighborhood. I go outside and look at the trees, bugs, landscape, etc. Overuse of technology isolates us from the real world and makes us feel lonely. It's good to ground yourself with sensory elements.
• I try to workout on a semi-regular basis. Even just walking around improves bad moods. I like to lift weights and feel strong.
• I try to engage with people on a regular basis. I joined a book club which I verrrry much value in real life.
  I can interact with people and have very lively discussions at a pace I can keep up with. The focus is not on me but the book. I would really recommend joining DnD groups, book clubs, gaming groups, etc, even if they are virtual.
• I would recommend groups that have *some* barrier to entry and exit. Why? Because if people can leave easily, the relationships with others are disposable. This is why I can connect with others on forums like this easier than Discord servers with a billion anonymous people. I want to grow bonds with others even if I'm not besties with everyone. I'll write about this more in the future on my website.
• I try not to focus too much on / ruminate over bad feelings.
• When I feel shy, I try to do the opposite of what my brain is telling me.
• If someone is reading this right now is lonely, I would just recommend to leave the house in some way if it all possible. Get a book and try to talk to a cashier at a store or something. I think that just leaving the house helps.
• Don't beat yourself up or make depreciating jokes.
• When I feel completely beat, I just like to make myself food and watch a long show. Either a comedy or just something long-form where it feels like you can grow with the characters. PreCure! Futurama!
• Create something. Put your feelings into something creative. Active verses passive consumption.
• Just reaching out to someone or/and giving someone a compliment really helps.
• Make sure to eat something if you feel really terrible. If it's healthy that's great, but the priority is just eating *something*. I like to eat lots of beans and make myself soup with rice.
• Read something. Anything. An interesting article, nonfiction book, or Russian novel
• Listen to an audio / radio drama or podcast. I like to crochet while listening to YouTube videos.
• DO NOT look at the news or really depressing subjects (ie true crime) if you are suffering from psychic damage. DO NOT. Don't focus on things you can't control.
• Draw some fanart.
• Make some cookies. See if you can share them with neighbors.
• Go to your local library.
• Just actively DOING something with an end result really really helps.

I'm definitely going to add on to this and make this list into a blogpost..  [/list]