After years of flailing at Blender and trying way too hard to do way too much, I finally have something I'm incredibly happy with and can see going far!
How I made it was a little deranged, too. Every tutorial is like "just start extruding faces around the eye/nose/mouth and connect them" and "make sure you do your topology like this" or "take a cube and stretch it this way" or sculpting. But me? I could only describe the process as 'scaffolding.'

I collapsed the starting cube into a single vertex, then extruded out to frame the face, and pushed those extrusions back to give it depth. Then I extruded a front silhouette for the face (like the nose, lips, forehead) and connected its top to the top of the face framing. Then I extruded out to mark the lips, then again to mark the eyes, and just sort of started filling faces in from there.

I also marked a lot of edges as sharp, and it's not something I'd ever thought to do before, even experimenting with this technique. But lo and behold, it moved the shading PERFECTLY!!

I did the same thing around the back of the head and under the jaw, and here's the final product after a lot of tweaking and bikeshedding! Now if only I could stop procrastinating on the rest of the body lmao
I don't know how to end posts