how to get better at talking to people?

[moss]

I've struggled my whole life on and off with writer's block and it seems that I stuggle with "speaking block" too. I have a lot of interests and opinions about things but when it's time to express them i just...dont know how. i guess im just too afraid? It's both easier and harder IRL because you can just listen to other people and not speak but at the same time you kinda feel like you're not really there. it doesnt help that im in a rough patch in life rn and im lowkey in survival mode and so im not firing on all cylinders to begin with. like i know deep down that i just need to focus on surviving first and getting to a better place but i also feel like im socially starving to death. does anyone have any advice?

[Rosaria Delacroix]

It's great that you are able to identify interests and opinions you already have- that's half of the battle! I think it might be helpful perhaps, if you practiced expressing them in a less stressful context first: perhaps by writing, (whether in a journal, or within a shrine on your personal website, for example). Sometimes getting the wording right can be a little tricky in a live scenario- and you can always fall back on showing them the actual page, and that can lead to discussion afterwards. It's a bit easier to do that online of course, haha- that's the nice thing about the Web Revival and most of us maintaining our own sites. Maybe even surf around here and look into any webrings that seem interesting, or posts that catch your attention- the lack of rapid fire live time interaction on forums is great for those who struggle to keep pace with the barrage of chatter in conversations.

I would suggest that trialling it out in more low stakes, casual conversations that have a bit of built in structure might help you build some confidence in that capacity: think something like a bookclub, or an online writing group, or something to that effect. Best tailored to your own interests, of course. Something where the group has things in common, and people are approaching the situation willing and ready to engage with others about a particular focus or topic: that makes it a bit easier to dig in more than 'so uh, the weather...' (Though small talk about the weather is a Canadian favourite, haha.)

And, in general- people love talking about themselves. Asking questions, being attentively curious- and following up to demonstrate your actual interest- it's not so much about flattery, but more so about making the other person feel as if you're actively engaged with them: and active listening is a skill unto itself. Reflective questioning is a technique often used in educational settings- (which some sources break down into awareness, analysis, alternatives, and action oriented questions, others into the who/what/where/when/why and how buckets) that can help in keeping conversations going, and there are worksheets you can find online to practice using them solo, if that would make you feel more comfortable lobbing them at people.

It's probably going to be more difficult, given how stretched thin your resources are- and I hope that you're able to hold some measure of grace towards yourself for struggling in that regard. It's understandable, and it sucks to experience- but it's not a reflection of a moral failure or some personal deficit: socializing is difficult at the best of times, (there's a reason charismatic people stand out!) and even more so when you're worn ragged by life. Fingers crossed for you that you feel better soon, and that your circumstances become easier to handle.

Hope this helps!

[moss]

It's great that you are able to identify interests and opinions you already have- that's half of the battle! I think it might be helpful perhaps, if you practiced expressing them in a less stressful context first: perhaps by writing, (whether in a journal, or within a shrine on your personal website, for example). Sometimes getting the wording right can be a little tricky in a live scenario- and you can always fall back on showing them the actual page, and that can lead to discussion afterwards. It's a bit easier to do that online of course, haha- that's the nice thing about the Web Revival and most of us maintaining our own sites. Maybe even surf around here and look into any webrings that seem interesting, or posts that catch your attention- the lack of rapid fire live time interaction on forums is great for those who struggle to keep pace with the barrage of chatter in conversations.

I would suggest that trialling it out in more low stakes, casual conversations that have a bit of built in structure might help you build some confidence in that capacity: think something like a bookclub, or an online writing group, or something to that effect. Best tailored to your own interests, of course. Something where the group has things in common, and people are approaching the situation willing and ready to engage with others about a particular focus or topic: that makes it a bit easier to dig in more than 'so uh, the weather...' (Though small talk about the weather is a Canadian favourite, haha.)

And, in general- people love talking about themselves. Asking questions, being attentively curious- and following up to demonstrate your actual interest- it's not so much about flattery, but more so about making the other person feel as if you're actively engaged with them: and active listening is a skill unto itself. Reflective questioning is a technique often used in educational settings- (which some sources break down into awareness, analysis, alternatives, and action oriented questions, others into the who/what/where/when/why and how buckets) that can help in keeping conversations going, and there are worksheets you can find online to practice using them solo, if that would make you feel more comfortable lobbing them at people.

It's probably going to be more difficult, given how stretched thin your resources are- and I hope that you're able to hold some measure of grace towards yourself for struggling in that regard. It's understandable, and it sucks to experience- but it's not a reflection of a moral failure or some personal deficit: socializing is difficult at the best of times, (there's a reason charismatic people stand out!) and even more so when you're worn ragged by life. Fingers crossed for you that you feel better soon, and that your circumstances become easier to handle.

Hope this helps!

Thank you so much for all of your advice! I really appreciate it. I will definitely be researching the things you've said. I knew about reflective questioning but not enough to use it. I will look into that today[and writing groups, too :)]. You are right, I need to focus on practicing expression and also improving my situation first. Fortunately, my situation is already a little better, I had an idea this morning that might fix a few things. Things might be better in a few months time, even. So, thank you for your encouragement. I am feeling hopeful already. Sometimes I just let myself get down when I should be staying positive ^^;

[drmollytov]

Reflective questioning is a great option. I'm a school librarian and I use it a LOT to draw kids out and get them talking to me about their interests (sometimes so I can recommend books, sometimes just so I can get to know them).

I also have a quick, shorthand version I default to. It's kind of like the "yes, and" approach for improv comedy. Basically, you embrace/repeat something the other person said or has, and go from there.

For example, if they're wearing a Hello Kitty shirt: "Your shirt is cute! Do you like cats in real life too?"

If a kid mentions being in any kind of team or club: "Neat, what are you working on right now?"

Basically: acknowledge what they said or what you're seeing, and ask a question that goes one further.

If all else fails, saying "I know, right?" often makes other people feel seen/heard, so they keep talking.

[SeaSlugUFO]

Great advice in this thread. I would also consider that some people aren't interested in a conversation, they're just interested in talking. So after applying this advice and practicing, you might still find yourself leaving some conversations with "I barely got to contribute or talk about my interests in that conversation..." and you shouldn't beat yourself up about that. Sometimes that time will come later with that person or sometimes not at all. Conversations are a two-way street and it's also up to the other person to engage you into the conversation and ask you questions 

Great advice in this thread