how to get better at talking to people?

[moos]

I've struggled my whole life on and off with writer's block and it seems that I stuggle with "speaking block" too. I have a lot of interests and opinions about things but when it's time to express them i just...dont know how. i guess im just too afraid? It's both easier and harder IRL because you can just listen to other people and not speak but at the same time you kinda feel like you're not really there. it doesnt help that im in a rough patch in life rn and im lowkey in survival mode and so im not firing on all cylinders to begin with. like i know deep down that i just need to focus on surviving first and getting to a better place but i also feel like im socially starving to death. does anyone have any advice?

[Rosaria Delacroix]

It's great that you are able to identify interests and opinions you already have- that's half of the battle! I think it might be helpful perhaps, if you practiced expressing them in a less stressful context first: perhaps by writing, (whether in a journal, or within a shrine on your personal website, for example). Sometimes getting the wording right can be a little tricky in a live scenario- and you can always fall back on showing them the actual page, and that can lead to discussion afterwards. It's a bit easier to do that online of course, haha- that's the nice thing about the Web Revival and most of us maintaining our own sites. Maybe even surf around here and look into any webrings that seem interesting, or posts that catch your attention- the lack of rapid fire live time interaction on forums is great for those who struggle to keep pace with the barrage of chatter in conversations.

I would suggest that trialling it out in more low stakes, casual conversations that have a bit of built in structure might help you build some confidence in that capacity: think something like a bookclub, or an online writing group, or something to that effect. Best tailored to your own interests, of course. Something where the group has things in common, and people are approaching the situation willing and ready to engage with others about a particular focus or topic: that makes it a bit easier to dig in more than 'so uh, the weather...' (Though small talk about the weather is a Canadian favourite, haha.)

And, in general- people love talking about themselves. Asking questions, being attentively curious- and following up to demonstrate your actual interest- it's not so much about flattery, but more so about making the other person feel as if you're actively engaged with them: and active listening is a skill unto itself. Reflective questioning is a technique often used in educational settings- (which some sources break down into awareness, analysis, alternatives, and action oriented questions, others into the who/what/where/when/why and how buckets) that can help in keeping conversations going, and there are worksheets you can find online to practice using them solo, if that would make you feel more comfortable lobbing them at people.

It's probably going to be more difficult, given how stretched thin your resources are- and I hope that you're able to hold some measure of grace towards yourself for struggling in that regard. It's understandable, and it sucks to experience- but it's not a reflection of a moral failure or some personal deficit: socializing is difficult at the best of times, (there's a reason charismatic people stand out!) and even more so when you're worn ragged by life. Fingers crossed for you that you feel better soon, and that your circumstances become easier to handle.

Hope this helps!

[moos]

It's great that you are able to identify interests and opinions you already have- that's half of the battle! I think it might be helpful perhaps, if you practiced expressing them in a less stressful context first: perhaps by writing, (whether in a journal, or within a shrine on your personal website, for example). Sometimes getting the wording right can be a little tricky in a live scenario- and you can always fall back on showing them the actual page, and that can lead to discussion afterwards. It's a bit easier to do that online of course, haha- that's the nice thing about the Web Revival and most of us maintaining our own sites. Maybe even surf around here and look into any webrings that seem interesting, or posts that catch your attention- the lack of rapid fire live time interaction on forums is great for those who struggle to keep pace with the barrage of chatter in conversations.

I would suggest that trialling it out in more low stakes, casual conversations that have a bit of built in structure might help you build some confidence in that capacity: think something like a bookclub, or an online writing group, or something to that effect. Best tailored to your own interests, of course. Something where the group has things in common, and people are approaching the situation willing and ready to engage with others about a particular focus or topic: that makes it a bit easier to dig in more than 'so uh, the weather...' (Though small talk about the weather is a Canadian favourite, haha.)

And, in general- people love talking about themselves. Asking questions, being attentively curious- and following up to demonstrate your actual interest- it's not so much about flattery, but more so about making the other person feel as if you're actively engaged with them: and active listening is a skill unto itself. Reflective questioning is a technique often used in educational settings- (which some sources break down into awareness, analysis, alternatives, and action oriented questions, others into the who/what/where/when/why and how buckets) that can help in keeping conversations going, and there are worksheets you can find online to practice using them solo, if that would make you feel more comfortable lobbing them at people.

It's probably going to be more difficult, given how stretched thin your resources are- and I hope that you're able to hold some measure of grace towards yourself for struggling in that regard. It's understandable, and it sucks to experience- but it's not a reflection of a moral failure or some personal deficit: socializing is difficult at the best of times, (there's a reason charismatic people stand out!) and even more so when you're worn ragged by life. Fingers crossed for you that you feel better soon, and that your circumstances become easier to handle.

Hope this helps!

Thank you so much for all of your advice! I really appreciate it. I will definitely be researching the things you've said. I knew about reflective questioning but not enough to use it. I will look into that today[and writing groups, too :)]. You are right, I need to focus on practicing expression and also improving my situation first. Fortunately, my situation is already a little better, I had an idea this morning that might fix a few things. Things might be better in a few months time, even. So, thank you for your encouragement. I am feeling hopeful already. Sometimes I just let myself get down when I should be staying positive ^^;

[drmollytov]

Reflective questioning is a great option. I'm a school librarian and I use it a LOT to draw kids out and get them talking to me about their interests (sometimes so I can recommend books, sometimes just so I can get to know them).

I also have a quick, shorthand version I default to. It's kind of like the "yes, and" approach for improv comedy. Basically, you embrace/repeat something the other person said or has, and go from there.

For example, if they're wearing a Hello Kitty shirt: "Your shirt is cute! Do you like cats in real life too?"

If a kid mentions being in any kind of team or club: "Neat, what are you working on right now?"

Basically: acknowledge what they said or what you're seeing, and ask a question that goes one further.

If all else fails, saying "I know, right?" often makes other people feel seen/heard, so they keep talking.

[SeaSlugUFO]

Great advice in this thread. I would also consider that some people aren't interested in a conversation, they're just interested in talking. So after applying this advice and practicing, you might still find yourself leaving some conversations with "I barely got to contribute or talk about my interests in that conversation..." and you shouldn't beat yourself up about that. Sometimes that time will come later with that person or sometimes not at all. Conversations are a two-way street and it's also up to the other person to engage you into the conversation and ask you questions 

Great advice in this thread 

[candycanearter07]

Yeah, I agree! There's a lot of good advice here. I'll also throw in my hat despite being bad at talking myself and say that sometimes watching someone play a game/doing an activity and commenting on it is a easy way to "sneak in" a conversation? Like, asking what x or y does sometimes helps start a small conversation, bc like someone else said here "people love talking about themself/what they're interested in"

[Memory]

I have considered getting some kind of speech or communication therapy/training because I have huge struggles articulating myself. It's why I've always preferred typing than verbally speaking to people. I find it so much easier to type my thoughts in a linear and sensical manner, than if I try to write with a pen or express myself through voice.

It's as though what is manifested internally, in my mind, doesn't seem to want to ever come out in a coherent fashion and I find myself repeating words, stumbling over my own mouth, forgetting the names of things and generally embarrassing myself whenever I try to talk to anyone about anything.

I have Autism Spectrum Disorder and dyspraxia so perhaps one of those factor into it, I also have real issues focusing and remembering things so it makes conversations a massive chore to me, unless I am completely relaxed and feel confident about what I am saying... otherwise it's just a word salad sort of mess.

It doesn't help that I have horrific anxiety and really bad memory retention so I spend more time trying to focus on remembering words and not looking stupid and ironically end up doing the opposite of both of those things.

[MilkJar]

It doesn't help that I have horrific anxiety and really bad memory retention so I spend more time trying to focus on remembering words and not looking stupid and ironically end up doing the opposite of both of those things.

Are you me???
Nah forreal, I do that same stuff all the time. I'll trip up or get hung up on a word and kinda like stutter or stall and the more I do that, the more anxious I get.

One tip I have is to remind yourself be "fake confident."
I try to do this sometimes if I'm having an off day. I remind myself to pretend to be confident. I make myself stand up straighter, walk with purpose, initiate conversations or small talk, etc etc. This isn't really me, it's me acting as a confident version of myself, but this frame of mind does help me quite often. Maybe it gets me out of my head a bit or something.

I tend to find that I'm better at listening to people and responding to them VS talking about myself, and it reminds me of a tip I read somewhere. The idea is kinda like the "yes, and..." that gets used in improv a lot.  (JUST REALIZED I LEARNED THAT FROM THIS POST, OOOOOPS!!!)
Like if someone you want to talk to has a band t-shirt on, you can say like "Cool Shirt!" and then follow up with a related, but slightly tangential question like, "What kind of music do they play?". I've yet to use this myself yet, but I'm keeping it in the back of my mind for now.

[Memory]

Are you me???
Nah forreal, I do that same stuff all the time. I'll trip up or get hung up on a word and kinda like stutter or stall and the more I do that, the more anxious I get.

One tip I have is to remind yourself be "fake confident."
I try to do this sometimes if I'm having an off day. I remind myself to pretend to be confident. I make myself stand up straighter, walk with purpose, initiate conversations or small talk, etc etc. This isn't really me, it's me acting as a confident version of myself, but this frame of mind does help me quite often. Maybe it gets me out of my head a bit or something.

I tend to find that I'm better at listening to people and responding to them VS talking about myself, and it reminds me of a tip I read somewhere. The idea is kinda like the "yes, and..." that gets used in improv a lot.  (JUST REALIZED I LEARNED THAT FROM THIS POST, OOOOOPS!!!)
Like if someone you want to talk to has a band t-shirt on, you can say like "Cool Shirt!" and then follow up with a related, but slightly tangential question like, "What kind of music do they play?". I've yet to use this myself yet, but I'm keeping it in the back of my mind for now.

 Thanks for the response! It's nice to know I am not alone in these issues.

I liked the advise you gave, I have a job interview next Wed which I've been dreading (I've been remote working since 2018 so it's been a LONG time since I've had to interact with real people or leave my house etc) so I am definitely gonna try these techniques whilst at the interview!

[MilkJar]

Thanks for the response! It's nice to know I am not alone in these issues.

I liked the advise you gave, I have a job interview next Wed which I've been dreading (I've been remote working since 2018 so it's been a LONG time since I've had to interact with real people or leave my house etc) so I am definitely gonna try these techniques whilst at the interview!

Ayy no way, i have an interview on monday! Good luck on yours!!

I can totally relate to that tho, I worked remote for only 2 years 2020-2022, but I can tell that it really negatively impacted my (already piss poor) social skills. Have been trying to improve them ever since I noticed!

[Memory]

Heeey good luck with your interview Monday! Infact, feel free to let me know how it goes so I feel more confident for mine Wed! :D

I absolutely know how you feel, nearly 10 years of working remotely has been amazing because I am so introverted but it destroyed ANY social skills I had forged beforehand. I struggle to even talk to my friends these days... so it's gonna be tough going back out to an office and stuff.

[azalea]

this is going to sound SO cliche... but in my case, practice makes perfect. allow me to elaborate.

i remember starting my first job around 18 or so. i was so full of anxiety and i was SO introverted that my people skills were essentially non-existent. and i mean this to the point where my stuttering was terrible, i often tripped over my own words, things like that. it became so infuriating for me and made me feel so... out of place compared to everyone else who felt more adept in socializing, i guess. i never really cared about being some social butterfly or anything like that, but not sucking at interaction would be nice.

so i started working on it. i've used job interviews as practice. each failure i've used as a learning point of what to say, how to say it, and what not to say. i've slowly started getting better at being a conversationalist. and then i've spoken more to my co-workers and used that as practice, too. it was always slow progress, but it was progress nonetheless and i felt like i had made strides compared to where i was previously.

interestingly, i also have forums to thank, too. how i conduct myself in real life towards other people isn't too dissimilar to how i talk to people around the internet.

today, i'm still nowhere near a social butterfly, but that's by choice. i also suck at small talk, but that's also because i don't care for small talk. however, when it comes to important conversations to have and i have something of a starting point to go off of? it's completely natural for me. i still stutter every now and again because i overthink of what to say sometimes, but that's just something i'm going to have to live with.

[Memory]

this is going to sound SO cliche... but in my case, practice makes perfect. allow me to elaborate.

i remember starting my first job around 18 or so. i was so full of anxiety and i was SO introverted that my people skills were essentially non-existent. and i mean this to the point where my stuttering was terrible, i often tripped over my own words, things like that. it became so infuriating for me and made me feel so... out of place compared to everyone else who felt more adept in socializing, i guess. i never really cared about being some social butterfly or anything like that, but not sucking at interaction would be nice.

so i started working on it. i've used job interviews as practice. each failure i've used as a learning point of what to say, how to say it, and what not to say. i've slowly started getting better at being a conversationalist. and then i've spoken more to my co-workers and used that as practice, too. it was always slow progress, but it was progress nonetheless and i felt like i had made strides compared to where i was previously.

interestingly, i also have forums to thank, too. how i conduct myself in real life towards other people isn't too dissimilar to how i talk to people around the internet.

today, i'm still nowhere near a social butterfly, but that's by choice. i also suck at small talk, but that's also because i don't care for small talk. however, when it comes to important conversations to have and i have something of a starting point to go off of? it's completely natural for me. i still stutter every now and again because i overthink of what to say sometimes, but that's just something i'm going to have to live with.

I appreciate all of that - I think I was much better at socialising pre-covid but not by much. Though doing something regularly and having exposure to it definitely helps.

For anyone interested I did not get the job btw, after the arduous commute, and 3 hour interview/group assessment they didn't feel I was suitable for the role after all. The feedback was difficult to digest, they said I had a great grasp of their internal knowledge base and using their software, but during the roleplay scenario I did not show enough empathy or human connection with the hypothetical customer.

This was hard to hear, as I get this a lot in my personal life from people due to having ASD I struggle with emotional and social queues and also expressing myself. But after feeling a little crushed I started to look at the positives... I got practise commuting and I learnt some valuable bus routes from my house that are beneficial. I also got practise speaking to people and navigating (I have dyspraxia, so navigation has always been a nightmare). So I've taken positive things away from it, but I am left with the overwhelming stress of having to find something in the next 2 weeks or I won't be able to pay my mortgage.

I don't want to be picky, but there are a lot of things I simply can't do due to disabilities so I am very limited. But I am sure things will work out. 

[purelyconstructive]

...im in a rough patch in life rn and im lowkey in survival mode and so im not firing on all cylinders to begin with. like i know deep down that i just need to focus on surviving first and getting to a better place but i also feel like im socially starving to death. does anyone have any advice?

That sounds challenging and I can definitely identify to some extent. Beyond finding it easier to express your thoughts in words, I hope you are also doing better when it comes to survival.

I would like to share with you the idea that the only way for us to truly thrive together is if we sincerely try to help meet each other's needs through open, good faith dialogue. Some nice approaches are "conversation cafes" coupled to "mutual aid networks"...and when the conversations seem to get difficult, "restorative circles" can be formed to facilitate peacemaking.]