Friendship is not possession

[invader_gvim]

I recently saw THIS News on the website and it really got me thinking about how late I realized that.



As Admiral Thrawn says, “It is said that one should keep one's allies within view, and one's enemies within reach.
A valid statement. One must be able to read an ally's strengths, so as to determine how to best use them. One must similarly be able to read his enemy's weaknesses, so as to determine how to best defeat him.
But what of friends?
There is no accepted answer, perhaps true friendship is so exceedingly rare. But I had formulated my own.
A friend need not be kept within sight or within reach. A friend must be allowed the freedom to find and follow his own path. If one is fortunate, those paths will for a time join. But if paths separate, it is comforting to know that a friend still graces the universe with his skills, and his viewpoint, and his present. For if one is remembered by a friend, one is never truly gone.”

For a long long time in my life I expected all of my friends to be committed to me in the same way that you might be committed to a life partner. I didn't really realize how dysfunctional that was, or how it actually turned me into the friendship version of this meme.

I felt like if someone became my friend I was obligated to give them the world, and if they ever drifted away from me they had committed some sort of crime. Well, now I feel a lot more comfortable just existing around people. It feels nice that people who I am / was friends with exist, and that I got to spend time with them at all. They don't owe me anything, and thats really cool because its a lot less stressful.

I feel like being less possessive has allowed me to actually help people out without expecting anything in return. It has made me a better person in general. I am really happy with myself for internalizing the lesson without some terrible giant disaster needing to happen. I feel like if I hadn't learned this lesson that my personality was heading me in that direction. Its a huge relief.

[Bede]

For a long long time in my life I expected all of my friends to be committed to me in the same way that you might be committed to a life partner. I didn't really realize how dysfunctional that was ...

Not to be That Annoying Aromantic ((is ABSOLUTELY about to be That Annoying Aromantic)), but you can totally be committed to a friend in the same way you can be committed to a life partner! A friend can be a life partner, even.

I understand your point about valuing friendships that require less effort to maintain, because the ability to give less than 100% and still feel secure in a relationship is a very important one! But just because it was dysfunctional for you to expect friendships to be that way doesn't mean that sort of relationship dynamic is dysfunctional for everyone else. Or your point may be that the issue was that you expected this of every single one of your friendships, or that it was that you didn't communicate it with the people you placed these expectations upon...

Regardless, I wanted to clarify, since your phrasing seems to imply that you at least might think the problem is inherent to the concept of friends who are committed to each other like they are life partners. T'is not!

[Melooon]

I’m glad you like the quote and don’t worry it came to me incredibly late too  I can contextualise this one a little more with the original note it came from out of my notebook 

Love can be the universe compressed into your chest and focused on a single person. Experience tells me that the person can change, but past loves never really go away; like other universes or threads of worlds that never were; they burn away out of sight until we are caught again in their gravity; perhaps death is only subdivision, when we can really encounter all those other worlds. All Iv learned is that love is not possession and art is the expression of love

I was having a bad day when that note appeared, and it talks about the feeling of being emotionally split between all of the past loves still stuck in my heart, and how they re-emerge sometimes, and the potential realities that never happened. Towards the end I start to wonder if perhaps when I die, and the atoms and energy that I’m made of disperses out into the universe; maybe then those feeling will be realised. The conclusion is that everything must keep moving, you cannot hold onto people or you’ll loose yourself, and the things you create are what makes that bearable (I think the conclusion is incomplete there’s more to figure out here)

I’d also note that love isn’t just romantic love, but as you say @invader_gvim it can be friends or family or even strangers, objects and art.

@Bede The original quote isn’t about literal structure of relationships; but more about the way you emotionally engage with someone; for example a parent can love their child and be with them every day for many years; but they must still be ready to let them go at a moments notice, when it’s time for them to step into the world; while still loving and supporting them. And I think that’s what invader was expressing too?

[Bede]

The original quote isn’t about literal structure of relationships; but more about the way you emotionally engage with someone; for example a parent can love their child and be with them every day for many years; but they must still be ready to let them go at a moments notice, when it’s time for them to step into the world; while still loving and supporting them. And I think that’s what invader was expressing too?

I totally agree with that! At risk of going on a tiny tangent, I think a lot of issues with a lot of parents stem from them seeing their children as something that they own, rather than tiny human beings with their own personalities and minds and lives. Like, the idea of "parent's rights" essentially being "parent's rights (to have complete control over their children and what they see and do and Are)". It's the problem with a lot of relationships, honestly, whether that be romantic or friendships or familial or basically anything. And it being applicable to romantic relationships is why I guess I got confused! (On top of, again, being That Aromantic who is an incredible stickler for "actually"ing people who imply friendship cannot be as deep as romantic relationships, no matter how self-aware he is that it makes him just so very annoying. Each time I can only hope and pray I come across as nice and friendly, and not, like, preachy asdfghjkl)

Semi-related, but I think I actually screenshotted this quote when I first saw it on the forum to save it? I'd have to check to make sure haha

[tellars]

i agree with you and this quote is quite powerful. this topic is quite difficult for me right now... i do understand that you shouldn't hold other people when they want to be free, but i find myself wondering if i ever will have that type of friendships when you spend a lot of time together, you care deeply about each other and are involved in each others lives. right now i have a number of friends and i know that they care about me but since we're all online it's seems like there's a big barrier between us. and for some i feel like they want this distance between us even though i might want to be closer.
i've seen videos and heard stories of people whose friends live near them, make surprises for them, spend a lot of time with them, but i think i've never had this experience. is this actually a real type of friendships or am i being delusional in thinking this is realistic?

[candycanearter07]

I agree, but I still kinda struggle with this online (specifically with getting people to help me with things im too scared to do) and its always disastrous. So, like don't be like me :P

[ayn_sweeet]

I recently saw THIS News on the website and it really got me thinking about how late I realized that.



As Admiral Thrawn says, “It is said that one should keep one's allies within view, and one's enemies within reach.
A valid statement. One must be able to read an ally's strengths, so as to determine how to best use them. One must similarly be able to read his enemy's weaknesses, so as to determine how to best defeat him.
But what of friends?
There is no accepted answer, perhaps true friendship is so exceedingly rare. But I had formulated my own.
A friend need not be kept within sight or within reach. A friend must be allowed the freedom to find and follow his own path. If one is fortunate, those paths will for a time join. But if paths separate, it is comforting to know that a friend still graces the universe with his skills, and his viewpoint, and his present. For if one is remembered by a friend, one is never truly gone.”

For a long long time in my life I expected all of my friends to be committed to me in the same way that you might be committed to a life partner. I didn't really realize how dysfunctional that was, or how it actually turned me into the friendship version of this meme.

I felt like if someone became my friend I was obligated to give them the world, and if they ever drifted away from me they had committed some sort of crime. Well, now I feel a lot more comfortable just existing around people. It feels nice that people who I am / was friends with exist, and that I got to spend time with them at all. They don't owe me anything, and thats really cool because its a lot less stressful.

I feel like being less possessive has allowed me to actually help people out without expecting anything in return. It has made me a better person in general. I am really happy with myself for internalizing the lesson without some terrible giant disaster needing to happen. I feel like if I hadn't learned this lesson that my personality was heading me in that direction. Its a huge relief.

This was a nice read. It’s awesome to see how you’ve figured out that friendship isn’t about possession or feeling obligated to each other. The way you’ve come to realize that friends can go their own way but still hold a special place in your life is such a healthy mindset. It's such a freeing way to live, and learning all this without going through a big crisis is a huge win—props to you for that