Socializing on the Web

[serenefork]

  Hello Melonland!

I want to know more about how people go about socializing online! I've noticed that many people often don't reach out directly online (via direct message, email, etc.) and instead focus most of their attention to larger community spaces (social media posts, forum threads, etc.)
I really prefer direct communication but I get nervous reaching out (like I'm somehow overstepping an unspoken boundary). I love when people reach out to me directly though, so I'm constantly trying to balance it out.

So, how do you all go about socializing online and what are your opinions about the culture of socializing directly vs. indirectly in online spaces?

[WK_0]

Heyo, serenefork! 
Talking to folks can sure be tricky for some. I know I tend to go through the same hesitance you do when it comes to reaching out directly. I honestly do wonder why it's so common for us to think about being a bother, even though there's always a good chance you'd be making someone's day by sending that direct message to talk about something interesting or pass along a nice comment. Aside from some semblance of low self esteem, as is my case at times. That, and often I tend to worry that I'll be too boring to have any conversations with. Not sure why that often crosses my mind when directly talking to someone, over url and irl. I'm still trying to figure the programming for that mentality out.

But simply put, the way I socialise is on the conservative side. I've always been more of an observer first and foremost, so often I listen into conversations to see if I can learn anything new or if anything perks my interest enough to engage with it. And even then, engagement usually doesn't happen because of said reservations about being a Boring McBothersome. It makes me think that, even when I feel more loose and like myself on the web, I still tend to treat web interactions on par to being at a party. I never did well in irl parties, just so you know. I was a wall hugger because strangers scared me a lot as a kid. I was always in my own little head, focused on thinking of stories and weird little characters in weird little worlds and whatnot, and that was all I could ever really discuss in full, but of course people would never get it.

I think I've grown reserved in my socialisation because engaging in conversation takes a lot of energy out of me. Even without facial and body language to keep track of, there's a lot for me to worry about in wording. I'm one of those weirdos that agonises over how I'm saying everything as I want to be as concise as possible off the get-go. And even then misscomuncation always finds its way over because I often either misread other people's words or I'm using vocabulary or grammar that doesn't make sense to the person I'm talking to. Or worse, I tend to trail off to other topics if I go too long, thus ensuing I confuse anyone I talk to. Like I'm doing right now, possibly.

Of course, nowadays I'm trying to take any chances I can to try and be more social, though with my excellent sense of timing it's in a decade with more people being online than there ever were in the 90s and 2000s (which were the decades I started exploring the net), and because of that I've noticed there's been an increase in... Ah. Let's call it the "house party" vibes. Basically a very large group of people doing all kinds of crazy things, talking at the same time about any kind of big topic in the moment, and all at max volume. Depending on who you are, a house party can either be a great time or an absolutely miserable one. And if you recall, I did say I never was great in parties. So you can imagine where my feelings lie on the matter, and why nowadays I've vowed to never touch any semblance of big social media sites ever again.


So to bring it all back to discussing socialisation on the web, because I almost lost track of where I was going, the TL:DR is that I very rarely interact because, much like real life, to me the net's kinda started feeling like an oversized house party where everyone's talking over each other and it's too noisy to both focus and engage in a conversation in a way that matters to me. I definitely do see the same observation you have where folks seem to prefer gathering in bigger places, and I feel that's just par for the course in the human's inherent need to socialise. I don't get the appeal, but I'm very aware of its pull as I've felt it strongly before. People just naturally want attention, and it seems that though smaller conversations can make things feel personal, larger groups increase the net of influence you're capable of making, which I'm sure appeals to someone out there. Just not me, unfortunately.  I'm one who prefers smaller groups where it's easier to be heard and the conversations go at a pace I can actually catch up with.

Also I lied, I never provide a TL:DR. It's impossible for me to provide one because of how I'm programmed, thus another reason why I'm not great at parties.

[BlazingCobaltX]

While your question isn't directly about web revival spaces, I think this older thread can be relevant to anyone looking for advice on this.

WK_0 worded wonderfully why it can be hard for socially anxious people to interact with others even through the internet. On top of that, I think there's another reason for the innate preference for large gatherings over one-on-one interactions: If something goes wrong or a social faux pas is made directly to someone, one can move on faster to another person rather than sit with the awkwardness that now exists between themselves and the other. At least for me, this counts in why I don't easily send direct messages to someone.

I used to make a lot more friends online, either through forums or Tumblr. The last time I actively engaged in an online community was the EXID fandom on Twitter (think 2018), but after one friendship there crashed following a short period of daily interaction I suddenly felt burned out by making friends online. All at once it seemed very shallow and unfulfilling. Ever since then I have kind of closed myself off from others, hardly ever seeking out direct personal interactions unless I already knew someone from before.

The web revival space has, for the first time in years, rekindled an interest in making friends within me. But... I no longer am satisfied with the kind of short interactions I used to have on Twitter or a forum. I would love, instead, to get to know someone really well and develop a qualitative friendship. It's a bit paradoxical, because how do you know that someone is compatible with you if you don't have short and casual interactions with them? The barrier of talking to someone is naturally high, even if the other person is actively inviting you. Meaningless, and maybe even awkward interactions are necessary to test the waters and further develop a friendship.

...I say so easily, yet I am still working myself up to do any of this.

[serenefork]

I honestly do wonder why it's so common for us to think about being a bother, even though there's always a good chance you'd be making someone's day by sending that direct message to talk about something interesting or pass along a nice comment. Aside from some semblance of low self esteem, as is my case at times. That, and often I tend to worry that I'll be too boring to have any conversations with. Not sure why that often crosses my mind when directly talking to someone, over url and irl.

It always makes my day when people message me directly! Even when it's something simple like just an image they saw. I think many people worry about being boring in conversations, I know I worry about that, but I rarely find people to actually be boring in conversation.

The web revival space has, for the first time in years, rekindled an interest in making friends within me. But... I no longer am satisfied with the kind of short interactions I used to have on Twitter or a forum. I would love, instead, to get to know someone really well and develop a qualitative friendship. It's a bit paradoxical, because how do you know that someone is compatible with you if you don't have short and casual interactions with them? The barrier of talking to someone is naturally high, even if the other person is actively inviting you. Meaningless, and maybe even awkward interactions are necessary to test the waters and further develop a friendship.

I love quality friendship the most, that's part of why I love Melonland's commitment to thought out posts and slow(er) form communication! It forces us to actually think and pour a bit of ourselves into our interactions, I think the vulnerability is what lets bonds form.

[JINSBEK]

It always makes my day when people message me directly! Even when it's something simple like just an image they saw. I think many people worry about being boring in conversations, I know I worry about that, but I rarely find people to actually be boring in conversation.
I love quality friendship the most, that's part of why I love Melonland's commitment to thought out posts and slow(er) form communication! It forces us to actually think and pour a bit of ourselves into our interactions, I think the vulnerability is what lets bonds form.

This point about vulnerability is so important. You get to see people's thought processes, how they came to the conclusion they drew, their personal websites, the kind of imagery and other visual and text content that's important to them (their signatures). Everyone with a Profile tries in their own way, to say, "Hi, this is me! I like so-and-so, and this is my website," and that's before you read the long body of their forum posts. It's neat! It's why I like forums so much.

As for private online interaction, man, I used to do that a lot more in the last early heydays of forums in the early 2000s. How we got to that point... I don't know, we shared interests frequently enough in public spaces that we just naturally started PMing each other, I don't know. Sometimes I started it, sometimes they did. Things have changed a lot in recent years with the shift to Twitter/X especially. I still managed to form private relationships with some of these people over Twitter... I guess the key is to actually reply to people, and naturally, over time, you get to know each other a little? Then you slide into DMs, I guess? Now the quality of my relationships there... One person I joined a Discord they recommended it and loved it as long as I was there (I was forced to leave due to stigma about something personal of mine that was divulged), still kept up with directly messaging a few people for a while, another Twitter friend we became very close... ... We really cared for each other. I don't have any negative feelings about eventually parting ways.

Oh! Now my relationship with my fiancee, @VioletHeaven. Yes, we are engaged, we've met IRL several times and she is now emigrating out of Australia to move in and marry me in Minneapolis (a formal fiance K-1 VISA application has been filed). You might really love this story. We met via a mutual friend's Discord server, and she was actually just peeping through the Profiles on the server member list and actually accidentally DM'd me! But that's not how we became friends, ha. We were just having conversations normally in that Discord. Seemed to share a lot of commonalities. I think I DM'd first. We simply continued talking in private. And then our relationship became what it is now.

So again, I think the key is, to actually reply to people, interact with them over time, directly address them about things you appreciate that they've shared. It's easier to do this in smaller circles (and yes, believe it or not, small circles DO exist on Twitter/X and Facebook), and it becomes natural, at least for me, to hit someone up.

I'm not exactly shy in physical spaces (I'm the guy who makes friends with the bus driver and other bus passengers; and I go to DJ bike raves and drink with people at the after-parties), so the type of social anxiety about gregariousness is not a problem for me. My social anxiety comes from work, thinking, "Oh my god, I'm inconveniencing people, I'm inconveniencing my co-worker and my supervisor" and yeaaahhhhh I hate asking for accommodations. EVERYTHING IS UNDER CONTROL, WOLFY DOES NOT NEED HELP etc.

[VioletHeaven]

The biggest thing about social interaction for me, whether in person, or online, is really just saying "hi, I like (X thing about you)". Online, that could be a piece of art they've shared, or in person, it might be a pair of really nice shoes!

There really shouldn't be an expectation of becoming friends instantly. I think where a lot of the modern Gen Z audience fails is that they expect people to respond instantly (now that everyone has a phone in their pocket these days), otherwise they're not interested, when sometimes it can take me days or even weeks to respond to an email from @JINSBEK! It can take a lot of positive, small interaction over time to really become friends with someone, and I do think that's often just as meaningful as bonding over like, a in-depth discussion about the nature of dutch rabbits. Hell, that's how I met my fiancé! It was just a lot of small talk about topics we both enjoyed.

I think online, though, I definitely value quality over quantity of interactions. I work part time, and study the other half, so I don't often have time to spend hours chatting in 150-character tweets about a viral tiktok. I'd rather log on, make a few, well thought out forum posts, and then log out and get on with my day! It fulfills the social need just as well, because when I log back in the next day, or the day after, I'll get to read and reflect on what other people have said, too.